How to learn to forgive and let go of resentment. How to learn to truly forgive offenses

For forgiveness on the go, you are unlikely to be able to. The first and at the same time the most difficult step towards forgiveness is the refusal to focus on your experiences and feelings. In other words, think less of yourself.

This can be done, for example, by trying to switch the course of your thoughts in a different direction. When resentment and anger take hold of you, just tell yourself “stop” and think of something pleasant. Particularly helpful in some cases are attempts to imagine pleasant moments of life in which a person who offended you was next to you. If it doesn’t work out, say some kind of tongue twister to yourself, a children’s song, a counting rhyme, or something like that. Every time you suppress your negative emotions, mentally congratulate yourself, in general, support your mentally.

It is necessary to try very hard to understand your beloved. Do not justify him or yourself, but understand.

Don't be afraid to take a step forward. Living in a state of resentment, experiences is much worse than taking a step. Think about the good things that connected you with each other. Present yours in a good light. You can try to write on a piece of paper bad and good qualities beloved. Count the entries. Maybe there are much more good ones and you are offended in vain?

Never consider forgiveness a heroic act or an act of complacency. You are going with your loved one, not doing him a favor. Forgiveness is important to you first and foremost. You free yourself from the moral burden. When you forgive, you feel much better, happier than before. All you need is a willingness to let go. Learn to forgive, not only your loved one, but also yourself.

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Useful advice

Remember these tips after any conflict situation, not only with your loved one.

We are used to being offended and sometimes we cannot contain this emotion, no matter how hard we try. Meanwhile, experts in the field of psychosomatics have proven that strong emotions can make you sick. Especially if they happen all the time. The most difficult disease - oncology - appears precisely because of resentment. A cancer patient lives by the principle "I will die, but I will not forgive!".

We live by stereotypes: offended - angered - angry, and so constantly. That is, we follow the circumstances, like a chip floating on the river. However, a person can and should become above circumstances, if only because negative emotions negatively affect health - this is what science says. Yes and folk wisdom says that "all diseases are from the nerves."

Moreover, most diseases are caused by resentment. Because when offended, a person begins to experience other negative emotions: anger, fear, guilt and a desire to take revenge, and much more negative. Sometimes resentment is so strong that it "covers with the head," and we can't help ourselves, we can't help but be offended.

Nevertheless, it is necessary to learn to forgive if you do not want to cause illness in your body with your own negativity. And one more thing: all religions of the world assert that forgiveness is the highest virtue of a person, bringing him closer to the Creator, that is, to the ideal.

So, you were offended (or rather, you were offended, because the opponent, perhaps, did not want to harm you). What to do? First, try to come to an emotional balance. Calm music, funny comedy, an aroma lamp, a walk in nature - everything that helps to calm raging emotions. This is necessary, because in an anxious state a person is unable to make an adequate decision, and no good thought will come to his mind.

After the emotional background becomes more or less calm, one must remember the moment of the outbreak of resentment and soberly assess - is the cause of resentment so important? As a rule, we are often offended because of trifles or simply because the stress has accumulated, and at that moment the cup of patience overflowed. The person you were offended by did not understand your reaction, and in response he was also offended. He considers your attitude towards him unfair - this is how the conflict occurs.

If you were really offended, you still can’t be offended. Moreover, the offender is neither cold nor hot from this, but your body feels bad. Therefore, the best way out is to try to put yourself in the place of your enemy. Often we do not know what thoughts and feelings moved a person during a conversation. And when you start to understand, everything becomes clearer. Sometimes a person “winds up” a petty offense so much that he cannot find a place from grief. Do not wind up your emotions, try to be rational.

It's good to talk to your opponent and find out what caused you to treat yourself like that. Namely: not “why did you do this to me, but “what did I do wrong?”. It often happens that in such a conversation it turns out to find the truth or come to an agreement. think over possible options reasons for this relationship. At the same time, you can close your eyes and enter a state of meditation: here you are in the place of the one who offended you. It was you who said rude things and left. And look: what the person was thinking at that time, what he was preoccupied with, what he was worried about. He is the same as you - with his emotions and desires. What caused him to be negative towards you? Maybe this is part of your fault? In the process of meditation, images, thoughts, fragments of memories will arise, and you will be able to understand why a person did this. Understanding - main step to forgiveness.

If that doesn't suit you, think higher. Expand the boundaries of your consciousness, take it away from your resentment to the scale of the universe, for example. And imagine that each person is a spirit that has come to Earth to fulfill its mission. On this path, there are trials that must be passed calmly and steadfastly. And then one of these spirits behaved in relation to you wrong. However, he has nothing to do with it. This space, the world through it sends you a test that you must pass, that's all. You went right - the world will no longer test you in this way. Did not pass - the tests will be repeated in a more enhanced version. As in the saying: "They carry water on the offended."

There are practical trainings for resentment in the book by Svetlana Peunova "Live without resentment." It will help you get rid of resentment forever.

In modern reality, teaching children to forgive their offenders is not very popular - exactly the opposite, it is customary to teach them to "give back." But the desire to respond with violence to violence leads to an increase in conflict.

The ability to forgive others is the basis of all interpersonal relationships in society. In order for a child to learn not to hold a grudge against others, it is necessary to set a personal example for him. In early childhood, looking at the reaction of their parents, children learn to respond to the world around them.

If you are on personal example demonstrate that you can allow any conflict situation will not be difficult - this will allow your children to understand the need for forgiveness in life and communication with other people. Your children (whether they are young or teenagers) should always ask for forgiveness if they hurt someone. The words "Forgive me" should not become an empty phrase for them, or a way to avoid punishment, they should be felt by the child.

It is believed that children who grow up in an incomplete or large family are most often subject to resentment. But this is an erroneous delusion, which is akin to a stamp. In reality, the composition of the family is not so important, and rather plays a far from primary role in this problem. More touchy are impressionable children and children with a weak nervous system, as well as babies who experience a lack of attention from their parents.

Helping your children to realize the need and value of forgiveness, you should, first of all, instill in them respect for the people around them, show that they are all different, but this is what makes them valuable. Children must fully master the art of empathy, responsibility and justice. By teaching forgiveness to your children, you help them to adapt better in society and simply become good people in the future.

Who among us has not been offended in life? They criticized, did not appreciate, did not understand, did not hear ... And then there is an insult that sits in the heart like a splinter. How to get rid of it? How to forgive an offense? How to forget caustic words addressed to you? How to survive the betrayal of a friend? This article will teach you.

Resentment as a means of manipulation

Some psychologists say that resentment is a way to get what you want. This is especially true for close relatives. The wife, trying to teach a lesson to her late husband, pouts her lips and "takes a vow of silence." The husband accuses his wife of being unable to manage the household, hinting at constant meetings with girlfriends. Why do adults have such a need to offend? loved one for private purposes?

Psychologists say that all this comes from childhood. A child who likes a toy cries and begs for it from their parents. The little manipulator knows it's bad. Parents also know this, but they still buy the 25th doll or car. It is impossible to look at the tears of your baby without pity. We often use this method of manipulating others later in adult life. True, he works more often with close relationships.

Why does a person offend another?

What is the main reason why one individual offends another? We are often offended and do not think about it at all. But humiliation and verbal insults against us are often a disguised compliment on the part of our opponents.

Envy, unfortunately, is inherent in many people. Not many will praise a person who has achieved any heights. But there will always be those who will scold him and blaspheme. By doing his vile deed against us, the offender gains a sense of his own importance. He "grows" in his own eyes. Moreover, the more his words affect us, the more joy and satisfaction it will bring to him. So why indulge him? Let's smile back at him and say nice words. We are concerned about the question of how to forgive an offense? Sometimes, in order to do this, it is enough to understand why we are humiliated and insulted.

Consequences of resentment

Perhaps many people find it difficult at times to forgive their enemies. Many people think: “Why should I forget the offense? My enemy will be happy if he does not suffer the deserved punishment for this. Learning to forgive is necessary for oneself, to preserve one's health. To understand this, just look at the following list of potential problems that can arise if you constantly replay an unpleasant situation in your head:

Decreased immunity;

thyroid problems;

Depression;

Diseases of the cardiovascular system;

Oncology;

Mental disorders;

Migraines, headaches.

At first glance, the connection between the occurrence of these ailments and the mood of a person seems unrealistic. But it is worth imagining what is happening inside the offended person in order to understand this. For example, a person was rude on the bus, fired from work for no reason, insulted ... What do most of us do in this case? Some are taken to take revenge, someone - to drink "bitter", someone becomes isolated in himself. But many of us will swallow the hurt and move on with our lives. Only here is the insult, the tension from it has not gone away. Negativity accumulates in our body. This will continue until negative energy won't find a way out. And the way out here can be severe depression, and a nervous breakdown, and a complex illness, and so on. So why accumulate resentment in yourself? We need to learn how to neutralize them. How to forgive an offense and let it go will be discussed later.

How to remain calm in response to criticism?

A person sometimes with indignation perceives teachings from another person. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism is often very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unflappable in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are a few tips to help you do this:

Don't answer the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.

And then the question of how to save the situation, and not how to forgive insults, will come to the fore for you. The past cannot be returned. An unpleasant aftertaste from a quarrel will remain not only with your opponent, but also with you. Cool down and analyze the opponent's words. And only then parry.

Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: "If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded." Know that the main goal of the opponent is to hurt you to the quick. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.

During an argument, ask the abuser, "What can I do to make things right?" Is he confused and unable to answer? So he has personal reasons to talk bad about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.

The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you look like? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It is better to step aside, leaving their words unheeded.

Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Justify your opponents. Try to put yourself in their place and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. Nature created one so angry, the second was offended today, and he shouted at you in the heat of the moment, the third has an unlucky day today, everything falls out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, having quarreled with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my heart was pity for these poor fellows.

Live in the present. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to go on your way. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.

The main thing is the inner core!

Only strong-willed people can remain calm in response to criticism and not be offended by insults and slander. We often worry about the bad things we hear about ourselves. It doesn't matter if they said them to our eyes or behind our backs. But if we know that we have done nothing wrong, then why are we worried? The main thing is the confidence that we are right, that we are doing the right thing, that the truth is on our side. This conviction gives us calmness, firmness, determination. The inner core will not allow us to bend before offensive insults and slander. And we will not have questions about how to forgive an offense and let go of the past, how to forget insults addressed to us, how to improve relations after a quarrel.

Exercise number 1 - revenge on the offender

Learning to forgive is not easy. Getting over yourself is sometimes difficult. Special exercises will help to do this, for example, such as "imaginary revenge on the offender." It consists in the following:

Exercise number 2 - forgiveness

Psychologists say that thoughts and words are material. By managing them, you can easily change your life both positively and negatively. And if positive thoughts and words carry a creative energy, then negative ones produce a destructive effect. This knowledge will help us answer the main question that concerns us: "How to forgive an offense, finding peace and joy?" It is recommended to perform this exercise for 5-15 minutes a day. It is best to do this with a partner, but you can do it alone. It consists in the following:

1. Take a comfortable position.
2. Loudly and emotionally repeat several times, mentally addressing your offender: “You are good, cheerful, kind ... I forgive you for the fact that ...”.
3. After releasing the resentment, tell yourself this: "I forgive myself for ...".

Three ways not to be offended

1. Only truly strong and great people have self-control. Anyone can be offended, but only a select few can forgive. No wonder Socrates said: "To be offended is beneath the dignity of a person." And why are we worse than a great philosopher? Let's learn to forgive.
2. Let's replace resentment with pity. For example, our soulmate spoke sharply about some of our personal qualities: the husband said that his wife was a bad cook, the wife "broke her husband's brain" about small earnings, and so on. Now we are overwhelmed by the thought of how to forgive an offense to a loved one. Let's just take pity on the poor guy. After all, a person offends when he is in a state of anger, frustration or a bad mood. And all this adversely affects his health. It's already not easy for the offender.
3. You can try to find out why people offend us. A heart-to-heart conversation will help resolve an unpleasant situation.

The main thing is not to keep

Not everyone understands why we should learn how to forget the offense and forgive. But, as we have already found out, experiencing negative emotions is unhealthy. And resentment, anger, grief - these are perhaps the most negatively colored feelings. In our civilized society, it is not customary to openly express your emotions, especially negative ones. Therefore, many people, swallowing resentment, try to pretend that nothing happened. But experiences do not give them rest. Over time, the unpleasant situation is erased from memory, but the sediment on the soul from it still remains.

What to do in this case? Release negative emotions out in time so that they do not have time to harm our physical and mental health. You need to do this when you are at home alone. Otherwise, you can unpleasantly shock your household. You can break several plates on the floor, knock your fists on the pillow, imagining your offender in its place. You can just scream loudly at home when you are alone. It takes only a few minutes. But you will see how easy it will be for you after that. The world will no longer seem so dark and cruel, the offender - rude and heartless, and those around you - indifferent and ruthless.

Religion for Forgiveness

There are words in the Bible about loving your enemies and thanking them for the evil deeds they do. Christian preachers teach that the one who strikes on the cheek should also offer the other cheek for the blow, and the one who takes away the outer clothing should also give the shirt. At first glance it seems that these sayings are reckless. How can one not resist blows and thank one's enemies for beatings? But it seems nonsense only at first glance. It is important for a person to learn to forgive others in order to preserve his own own health. An offended, upset, angry person is in a state of tension, constantly scrolling through the details of a quarrel and possible ways revenge. Negative thoughts deprive him of the joy of being. Having forgiven his offenders, he finds peace and tranquility. No more pain and suffering. You can move on and do good deeds. Life is already too short to waste it on such trifles as scandals and quarrels.

Why think about how to forgive an offense? Mother and father should not be offended at all. These are the people whose love for children is immeasurable. As for the enemies, here many people may have such questions: “Why should I forgive my enemy? Why do him good? Because he doesn't deserve it." There is one in the bible wonderful place, which says the following: “If your enemy is hungry, then feed him. If he is thirsty, then give him a drink: for by doing this you are heaping burning coals on his head.” These words have a deep meaning. You cannot defeat evil with evil. Bad things can only be eradicated with good. And then, who knows, maybe your worst enemy will become yours. best friend. No wonder they say: "From hate to love - only one step." The Bible will tell you the answer to the question of how to learn to forgive offenses. Try to be a true Christian and follow all the commandments set forth in it. Then in your life there will be no place for resentment, hatred, revenge.

Prayer for forgiveness of enemies

When it becomes especially difficult for us, we turn to God for help. And it is not at all necessary to know certain prayers here. You can express in your own words what lies like a stone on our soul, and ask the Almighty for salvation. The answer to the question of how to forgive and let go is clear. We need to open and read the Bible more often, follow the commandments given in it. The Lord teaches us that we need to love our neighbor as ourselves, no matter what, that we should forgive our enemies, no matter what offense they may inflict on us. This is necessary, first of all, to the most offended.

And a prayer with which you can turn to God can be like this:

“Lord, our father, I ask you, give me the strength to forgive the people who offended me. You, the Merciful, taught us: “Love your enemies. Bless all who curse you. Do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who offend and persecute you." Give me the strength of my soul to forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Help me to reconcile with those who offended me in my soul. Let me find the joy of forgiveness."

You need to repeat this every day. And then you will no longer have questions about how to forgive the offense. Prayer saves from empty experiences and anxiety.

How to forgive a loved one and let go?

How many tears are shed when love leaves! It is very difficult after this to forget the betrayal of the second half and start life anew. It is especially hard for women in such situations.

These tips will teach them how to forgive a man for an offense, let him go and start life from scratch:

Give him all his things, remove all joint photos so that nothing reminds you of him;

Take a two-week vacation and fly to warm countries to relax;

Try not to isolate yourself, go to the cinema, cafes, clubs, somewhere where there are a lot of people, where life is in full swing;

Call your best friend for help, talk to her, cry, you will immediately feel better;

Write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your former lover, remembering all the bad things that are associated with him, tear the sheet and mentally say goodbye to this "scoundrel".

Aphorisms of famous people about forgiveness

To be offended is common to all people. It is curious what famous people say about this negative feeling.

Oscar Wilde: The best way piss off your enemies - forgive them.

Thomas Szas: "A stupid person does not forget and does not forgive, a naive person both forgets and forgives, a smart person forgives, but does not forget."

William Blake: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend."

Johann Schiller: "Forgiveness is stronger than all victories."

Gilbert Chesterton: "A haughty apology is another insult."

Henri de Monterlant: “There are people to whom we forgive everything, and there are people to whom we do not forgive anything. Those to whom we do not forgive anything are our friends.”

Jean Paul: "A person is beautiful when he forgives himself or asks for forgiveness from another."

George Halifax: "Conscience and memory always diverge as to whether wrongs should be forgiven."

We found out the reasons why some people try to humiliate and insult others, and also looked at several ways to forgive an insult.

Mom taught not to accumulate resentment, Orthodoxy orders to grant forgiveness. Yes, only invisible chains return us to a dark corner of a sense of injustice and a painful desire to carry out revenge. To gloat, imagining how misfortunes will twist the offender, to spend days, months, years on hatred and aggression. In the head of the offended, the painful situation is played out on an uncontrolled repetition.
How to learn to forgive an offense? How to get rid of resentment?

Do you agree with these statements?

1. Life is not fair.

2. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

3. For the offense caused to me, a person will still pay: not me, so life will punish.

If you agree with at least one point, then the question of how to learn to forgive requires urgent resolution.

How to learn to forgive insults?

Resentment is an unnatural state
this is a violation of the taboo on degradation, on involution.

Yuri Burlan

The brain boils, the heart is filled with aggression and a thirst for revenge. “I should have answered like this! Give change! Not me, so God will punish him,” we imagine ourselves in direct contact with the one who sees everything and will avenge us.

How to learn to forgive insults and breathe freely? Mom taught not to accumulate resentment, Orthodoxy orders to grant forgiveness. Yes, only invisible chains return us to a dark corner of a sense of injustice and a painful desire to carry out revenge. To gloat, imagining how misfortunes will twist the offender, to spend days, months, years on hatred and aggression. In the head of the offended, the painful situation is played out on an uncontrolled repetition.

How to learn to forgive an offense? How to get rid of resentment? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives step by step solution Problems.

1. Understand who is offended

My sister was loved more than me, my mother urged me all my life, my grades were underestimated at school, the boss did not notice the efforts, my husband did not praise the dinner, the children do not consider it an authority. Feeling like an empty space. I want to slam my fist on the table and scream with all my strength: “You will regret it!”

Such mental anguish is characteristic only of the owners. There is a risk that the very name of the vector may anger and offend them. But the excellent quality of bringing things to the end will help you to thoroughly understand your own inner way of life and make peace with this world.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls the owners of the anal vector golden people. They are characterized by the best human qualities - reliability, decency, honesty, excellent memory, perfectionism.

But this gold is often covered with corrosion in the form of insults from improper operation. Just as a precious metal tarnishes under the constant influence of bleach, so painful circumstances can greatly damage the fragile psyche of such a person.

2. Act according to the rules for exploiting the "touchy" vector

Ideally, the psyche of a person with an anal vector is built in such a way as to accumulate and pass on past experience and knowledge to the next generations. For this, such people have an excellent memory. In the head of its happy owner is a well-organized archive so that other people at the right time will use valuable material on how to build a bicycle, and not invent a wheel with each generation like for the first time.

This valuable library lacks only a powerful encyclopedia on how to forgive offenses and let go of a painful situation. But this knowledge already exists and is waiting for a place on the shelf of self-understanding.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says that any natural desire is provided with properties for its realization. The owner of the anal vector strives with all his essence so that the clumsy learn, and the ignoramuses come to their senses. Teachers, educators, scientists, writers, surgeons are best use their talents. For all these people in demand in the profession, the basis of recognition is an assiduous, diligent and patient anal vector.

If the golden properties are not used for their intended purpose, then the memory archive is filled with anything. On the first rack he climbs on his mother, and further up to the ceiling - on everyone he meets.

Awareness of one's abilities and natural desires makes it possible to use one's talents for their intended purpose. And experience great satisfaction and joy from this.

Just as a child who has eaten his mother’s hearty meatballs will not be able to eat another kilogram of harmful sweets, so necessary implementation"touchy" vector will unlearn how to experience aggression and resentment.

3. Understand the one who offended

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan allows you not only to read your personal library of the psyche from cover to cover, but also to look into the neighboring ones. And here's the surprise: I thought my husband also had an archive with shelves, but it turns out that in his head - a football field and thoughts-footballers scurry rapidly from one end to the other. And someone even has cosmic infinity! Of course, we will all look at the same things differently!

How to learn to forgive your husband for forgetting your anniversaries? When you clearly realize that he does not have such a cell for storing this information, it does not arise. And you just rush to cook your favorite charlotte in anticipation of a pleasant evening with a loved one and his inner space.

How to learn to forgive your mother - psychology systematically explains life-long grievances. Now there is a way to look into my mother’s thoughts and understand why she interferes in the affairs of an adult daughter as unceremoniously as she rummaged through her pockets as a child, points her index finger at all mistakes and considers only Swiss account holders successful. Systemically realizing mother's priorities laid down by nature, instead of painful insults, you feel a pleasant recognition of her features and closeness from communication.

4. Realize how you can do it differently and not be offended

And if a heavier offense is inflicted, how to learn to forgive betrayal? In the high-speed skin psyche of the "football player" there are other laws. Such a husband is created to change environment. But he has not yet become an engineer, lawmaker, businessman or leader. So he ran to look for changes on the other. Not for long.

A woman can inspire a man to great deeds. And since "feats" are performed only in a primitive range, then this is a question for both the knight and his muse.

The strength to forgive him and yourself because of mistakes in a relationship wakes up when you realize that you yourself have not worked out somewhere, but you can still direct the situation in the right direction. Realizing the properties of her beloved, a woman with a sensitive word is able to direct a man to conquer precisely his peaks.

If in your family rear the skin husband is truly understood and motivated in the right direction, he will be able to provide himself with the necessary diversity at work, in society and you with an absolutely reliable rear. And then there will be no need to change partners. And you do not have to experience constant indignation and look for an answer to the question of how to learn to forgive a man.

Resentment is a brake that does not allow family happiness to open up. How to forgive and not be offended by yourself because of past mistakes? Act constructively to save loved ones family relations The key is to create a strong emotional connection with your loved one. In return, he will bestow loyalty and butterflies inside. About this in the article: ""

5. Interact with others without being offended

When it is clear that the sound engineer is not a leather worker, he does not keep track of time and may be late - it's not a shame. When it is obvious that the viewer is not a sound engineer and does not want to talk for hours about the structure of the Universe, it is not a shame. When it is clear that the urethral courage does not fit on the shelf of the anal order, it is not a shame.

It is possible to get rid of resentment against mom, dad, husband, boss, your child and even God without a trace.

All people are imperfect. It is very easy to offend another person, as well as to be offended yourself. We can say that all people at least once offended someone and at least once were offended themselves. Psychologists say that resentment is a childish feeling, because otherwise the child cannot show what upset him. However, many adults are offended all their lives. If you want to learn how to forgive offenses and let people go, then read on how to do it.

Why is it necessary to be able to forgive insults? Let's start by considering a question that should be clear to the person himself. To be motivated to forgive, you need to know what benefit it will bring to the person himself.

People speak only admiring speeches about the ability to forgive, but few people explain why this is important. Sometimes people give forgiveness just like that. Sometimes it must be earned, begged for or given, as if from this those who forgive become saints. However, everything that concerns forgiveness is connected only with the person, and not with other people.

You or someone you offended. Forgiveness is required. But who should forgive or excuse? People argue as follows: the one who offended asks for forgiveness, and the one who was offended gives. But this is just a human game. In fact, life does not care whether you have forgiven someone or asked someone for forgiveness in the way that is customary in society. What matters to the Universe is whether you have forgiven the other person deep down in your soul and whether you have forgiven yourself for hurting someone.

The important thing is not whether you asked someone's forgiveness, but whether you apologized to yourself for a bad deed. It doesn’t matter if you asked for forgiveness, but whether you yourself forgave the person for his actions. The rest (the words "forgive" and "forgive") does not matter, because if deep down there is no forgiveness, then it will bring the same harm as if you did not forgive each other.

Why is it important to be able to forgive? After a while, you also experience irritation due to the fact that you didn’t forgive, didn’t accept, didn’t let go. The world narrows down to the level of one event that offended, while you stop noticing everything that is happening around. You get hung up on one problem, and scroll through it in your head, even more offended by yourself or another person, and do not solve it.

To be able to forgive is important first of all for yourself. If you are offended by someone, then forgive this person, even if he did not ask you for forgiveness. If you feel guilty about yourself, forgive yourself, because even if you ask for an apology from the one you offended, you will not get rid of the oppressive feeling until you forgive yourself. Remember that resentment chokes only the one who experiences it. You will not harm another person with your thoughts who offended you. You can only hurt yourself while you are offended.

Forgiveness is important for the following reasons:

1. You let go of the situation in the past, no longer worry about it and do not suffer.
2. You take the pressure off yourself when it was important to remember why you were offended.
3. You stop blaming anyone, which does not provoke negative emotions in you.
4. You do not waste your time on empty grievances that will not change anything in your life.

If you can’t forgive in order to let go of your offender, you can seek the help of a psychologist on the website website. He will consider your situation and find a definite solution to your problem.

How to learn to forgive?

Everyone needs to learn to forgive. Despite the fact that resentment is born in childhood, children forget many of their negative emotions. An adult person is not only offended, but also remembers his grievances for a long time. It only harms him in the first place. It seems that by our offense we cause discomfort to our offenders. In fact, our offenders live happily while we bathe in our grief and wait for all our problems to be solved by themselves.

In order not to waste time on past grievances, you should learn to forgive and let them go. A person understands the phrase “You need to forgive insults,” but it has no effect until he understands why this needs to be done. Living right is not a guarantee that a person will achieve happiness. It is important to understand the meaning of your “right” actions, which should benefit the person personally. Living for the benefit of others is great, but even better when everyone benefits from their “good” deeds.

Resentment is a part of everyone's life. Other people cannot predict in advance what might upset you. They often focus on own desires, which often contradict other people's aspirations. It's okay to do something that offends someone. There is not a single person who would not offend anyone. From time to time, a person himself is faced with situations that offend him.

The process of forming resentment is not so important. A person does not like something, because of which he is offended. His desire is to get a confession from the offender that he was wrong. Some people are so eager to hear the word "sorry" that they hold resentment and anger at others for many years.

Resentment can be easily let go: let other people be who they are. They are not perfect, they can do things that you do not like. They have the right to live as they please. And you have the right not to be offended by this! Are you uncomfortable? Recognize the fact that other people do not have to go along with your desires. When a person stops expecting apologies from others (“I’m sorry I was wrong”), then he stops being offended.

Why forgive past hurts? Nobody has to pretend wise man and pretend that he forgave. If you don’t want to forgive, then you don’t need to force yourself. But if you understand why you need to let go of resentment, then do it at least for the sake of your own well-being.

The mechanism of resentment is simple: a person is waiting for someone to apologize to him. He sees mistakes only for other people, they are to blame, so they must apologize. At the same time, he does not notice how he himself contributed to the formation of an unpleasant situation. This may be a misunderstanding of the motives of other people, categorical beliefs and views, the commission of actions that prompted others to do what they did. Often the offended himself is no less to blame for what happened to him.

What happens to a person when they do not apologize to him? Often offenders disappear or leave, because of which, in fact, resentment arises. Often, offenders don't understand why they need to apologize. Some have a desire to go on the principle: "Since they decided to take offense at me, then let them continue." In other words, you can be offended at least all your life, never having received an apology.

Offenders soon forget that they offended someone. Only the person himself suffers from his resentment.

1. He stops trusting people. Moreover, this mistrust does not arise because specific people managed to deceive, betray or offend, but because a person continues to carry a grudge against others, projecting it onto those who have not yet done anything.
2. He thinks only of his hurt. Accordingly, he unconsciously begins to look for confirmation that he is justifiably offended. A person begins to pay attention to people who are capable of offending him just as previous acquaintances did. He waits for situations when an offensive situation will happen to him again. He constantly talks about unpleasant things with people who did not even think of committing offensive actions with him, which he himself pushes them to such actions. This is called "to provoke offensive situations on your own in order to once again make sure that people are not good."
3. He ceases to notice people with whom he would never have experienced unpleasant events, because of which he is offended. After all, a person is busy looking for evidence that people are traitors and deceivers. How can he notice those who will never do bad things to him?

Resentment is always in the heart of the one who is offended. At the same time, offenders can forget about it altogether, going about their business and living happy life. Resentment brings destruction only to those who are offended.

How to learn to forgive people?

When time passes, people turn their eyes to the past and understand that there was no need to be offended. They were only wasting their time in meaningless experiences. You need to learn to forgive people, understanding what burden will fall from the shoulders of those who are offended.

Undoubtedly, resentment brings its benefits: a person believes that he did the right thing, blaming others for the troubles that happened. Now he can do nothing but sit and wait for the perpetrators to correct the situation. But it passes a large number of time, the situation does not change, and if you ask the perpetrators why they did not fix anything, it turns out that they could not even think that someone was offended, that they were guilty of something.

Offenders usually live happily as long as someone is offended by them. Therefore, resentment is a problem that primarily harms the person who experiences it. It is better to learn to forgive people so as not to carry resentment with you into the future and not constantly experience negative emotions due to its presence.

To forgive people, you need to understand how it will benefit you. Then start using the following guidelines:

1. Indulge in pleasant things. Resentment does not need to be energized by its suffering.
2. Take it easy. Use meditation or pleasant music to improve your mood.
3. Reminisce about the good times you had with this person. If you continue to build relationships with a partner, then it is important to forgive him so that you do not destroy the union with your resentment. Think more about what good you had with this person, forgetting about all the bad things.
4. Let other people be imperfect. People do offensive things because they didn’t think, didn’t guess, or simply didn’t know that they were doing something bad with their actions. Other people do not know how to read your thoughts and sometimes they simply do not know how they offended you.
5. Stop blaming anyone. The offended person usually exalts himself too much, believing that he always does the right thing. However, if you ask the people whom the person himself offended, it turns out that there are also a lot of them and they are all waiting for an apology to them. From this we conclude: if you do not apologize to those whom you offended, why should you be asked for forgiveness? And we are talking about people who you do not consider interesting and important to yourself - and the people from whom you expect an apology do not consider you an important and interesting person.
6. Analyze the situation. Why are you offended? You should understand what moment caused you resentment. This knowledge gives you an understanding of where your weakness lies. Resentment is that weak link that you can pull to manipulate you.

How to learn to forgive insults?

A person can be offended not only by others, but also by himself. How to forgive your own wrong actions? Self-criticism is good if it helps a person understand what not to do, instead of being killed by remorse. So how do you forgive your own wrongs?

Psychologists say that people who take on a lot of things experience resentment against themselves. It seems to them that they should know and be able to do everything, so mistakes are unforgivable for them. Perfectionism leads to constant dissatisfaction with yourself and, as a result, resentment.

Not all the troubles of the world need to be taken personally. Sometimes a person is not guilty.

If you offended someone, then just ask for forgiveness. Even better, if your apology is accompanied by a real understanding of what you did, and not just a game of publicity when you just want to make up and then do unpleasant things again.

Results of Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself and others is a very important skill. It allows you to relieve yourself of unnecessary tension, which always harms the one who is offended, or the one who considers himself guilty. And if the offense is directed at a person who has already left your life, then his forgiveness allows you to let him go.

Guilt haunts 75% of people on the globe. Remorse haunts day and night. They put pressure on the psyche, creating. Guilt becomes a weakness of a person, which is used, because it is so easy to put pressure on a sore spot. What if there are several? And each of them interferes with a full life? There is only one way out: learn to forgive yourself.

Where does the feeling of guilt for one's own actions come from?

Everyone has an ideal idea of ​​society and themselves. This image is a flawless picture that says what a person should be. The ideal determines what is permissible and what should not be allowed, what qualities a “good” person should have, and what qualities a “bad” person should have. He draws images of a respectable family man, a successful worker, a loving mother, a skilled lover. Sigmund Freud called this part of a person's personality "Super-I": shame, conscience, morality and the inner inquisitor, a merciless judge who punishes without investigation and proceedings.

"Ideal-I" hides in the depths of the subconscious and is formed from childhood. First parents, then educators and teachers, the social environment. , which was supposed to help a person get used to society, destroys the personality from the inside:

It punishes, but not for "bad" or "good" deeds. Conscience pronounces judgment for the discrepancy between reality and the ideal idea.
Guilt is unreasonable. It does not allow you to think and analyze the situation, but only corrodes from the inside, sweeping aside all justificatory arguments.
Internal conflict. Negative, allowing conscience to continue its execution for new "misdemeanors".

Why is it important to forgive yourself?

Guilt provokes an internal conflict that destroys the psyche. Mental discomfort is reflected in the physical well-being: chronic diseases are exacerbated, vegetative disorders develop, and nerves fail. Internal self-torture can lead to:

neuroses;
, psychological breakdowns;
painful self-control;
unsuccessful attempts to fit themselves to social standards;
self-pity, physiological and psychological weakness;
development;
anxiety, inferiority complex.

Blaming yourself, not giving a single chance for forgiveness, you live in the past. Trying to justify someone else's opinion, a person cannot be himself. He is deprived of the right to his own thoughts, tastes and outlook on life. Happiness is gradually slipping away, the ability to rejoice, to be sincere, to show real ones is leaving. There are masks and moral masochism. What is another name for the state of self-torture?

You can't fix the past. Thinking about it will not build the future.

He ceases to adequately assess himself, the situation and the people around him, becoming easy prey for manipulators. Guilt does not require action. Remorse of conscience does not end with attempts to correct the situation and lead to a personal dead end. Why it happens?

Looking for answers from the subconscious

On a subconscious level, feelings of guilt and fear are accepted as useful property psyche. In fact, everything is different. The subconscious is afraid of change. it tries to create permanence. But the world does not stand still, people change, society, living conditions, even the weather is different every day. Guilt brings a person back, keeps him in the networks of the past, so as not to let change overwhelm the future.

Myths of the subconscious:

Protection.
In a subconscious representation, guilt reminds a person of bad deeds that harmed someone or caused a negative reaction from others. This is insurance against the recurrence of a similar situation. In fact, fear is the unstable pillar of a relationship. . Problems are solved by deeds, not by internal remorse.
Love.
Taking the blame for their own imperfection, a person seeks forgiveness from loved ones. Repentant and indicative of suffering, he strives for acceptance and love from others. In fact, he is so accustomed to his role that self-flagellation becomes the norm.
Humanity.
Ideally, guilt keeps you from forgetting compassion and harming another person. In reality, following this myth leads to dependence on the opinions of others. A person lives according to the desires of other people, forgetting about himself.
Engine of development.
Punishing himself for "bad" deeds, a person hopes for further correction, change. He believes that such a situation will not happen again, tries to insure against "inappropriate" behavior and lives in the past.

The feeling of guilt is cultivated in a person specifically to regulate it. public behavior. Gradually, it turns from a mythical protector into a real destroyer.

What's stopping you from forgiving yourself?

Pride

The desire to be the best forces a person to set the bar too high for himself. Harsh criticism in evaluating oneself and excessive loyalty to others is a sign of overgrown pride. It is born out of self-love, focusing only on your feelings and aspirations. Pride does not forgive one's own transgressions.

Inferiority complex

Born from self-love. Such a person does not accept himself, he forgets about his needs, does not care about feelings. He is dependent on others, and guilt further alienates him from the true "I". Condemnation in the eyes of others, unjustified expectations of a mother or a soulmate remind of their own "inferiority", forcing them to suffer under the yoke of guilt.

Action.

Decide why forgiveness is important to you and what you need to let go. Remember all the painful moments that cause guilt. Analyze the situation. What awakened the conscience? If these are unjustified expectations, feel free to forgive your own sins. If it's an act that hurt or harmed another person, you can apologize or try to make amends.

The past should not interfere with the future. Let yourself go for clean slate. Change your outlook on life. Mistakes are the engine of progress. Experience is more important than safe constancy. Action will not let you dwell on the past, it is directed to the future, and the path to it lies through the present.

Your friends are successful and wealthy, but you are not? Don't self-deprecate. What is the reason for someone else's success and your failures? Make a plan of action, change, find new job, get a good education. Live and move forward rather than waiting for someone to take the first step and assuage your conscience.

We let go of the past.

The world is imperfect. There are no perfect people. There are no exceptions to this rule. Why blame yourself for all personal and other people's failures? The actions of many people lead to one mistake, not just your own efforts. Don't go back to the failures of the past. If they bother you too often, analyze the painful situations. Conscious conclusions will help you not to make repeated mistakes in the future and will correct your behavior. Forgiving yourself is the beginning of a new life. Think about what can be done to improve this moment. If not, move on.

Engage in analysis of the past. Sometimes guilt arises without visible reasons. Find your starting point. For example, you have a few extra pounds, and you blame yourself for being weak-willed and unable to get rid of them. But ? Think about when this idea was born in your mind, who put it there. Most painful thoughts are suggested to a person from outside. Some thin, beautiful classmate pointed her finger at the plump girl and laughed. She sowed the seed, which grew into a huge one. It puts pressure on the psyche, forcing a person to strive for other people's ideals.

When an attempt to change oneself to the standards of another person ends in defeat, guilt awakens. And beauty is not about weight. Complexes make a person ugly, not extra pounds. Each girl has her own structure. What suits the beauty of an asthenic physique will not look good on a beautiful lady from a painting by Rubens, and vice versa.

Forgive others and ask for forgiveness yourself

Forgiving yourself is more difficult than forgiving another person, but you should start with more a simple step. Let go of the negativity caused by other people. Learn to apologize if you're wrong. When you are forgiven, it is easier to let go of guilt and not reproach yourself for what you have done.

Necessary in simple words backing them up with action. Do not hide an apology behind ambiguous phrases, do not evade or hide, then conscience will have less reason to "punish".

If you have a fight with a close friend, do not reproach yourself in vain. Look at the situation from the outside. What do you feel guilty about? Sorry. Try to correct the situation.

Be responsible

Admit your mistakes. But only them and nobody else! Learn to be honest with yourself and admit to ulterior motives. It's stupid to make excuses to others, but making excuses for yourself is even more stupid. Accept your role in events that make you feel guilty. Leave the negative in the past.

If guilt torments you for hidden desires and thoughts, admit them to yourself. Accept them to the fullest. Hidden motives are released during the development of internal conflict under the guise of other aspirations. For example, specifically looking for excuses, but in fact, he unbearably wants to hit his boss.

accept yourself

Become aware of your beliefs and idiosyncrasies. Decide what is important to you, what you have. Separate your desires from the expectations of others. Anything that is legal and does not harm other people is right and should not be condemned. Don't try to fit into someone else's standards. Someone loves broccoli, and someone likes pies, someone likes noisy companies, and someone quiet evenings. Be natural and listen to yourself and your desires. Do not let others impose their opinions and tastes on you. Your value is your uniqueness.

Why can't you blame yourself?

You are not responsible for the perception of the interlocutor. It's not your fault if he misunderstood something. You are not responsible for his reaction. Leave internal conflicts and problems of the interlocutor to him and do not take someone else's reaction to heart.
Don't blame yourself for mistakes. School years accustomed us to the red pen in the margins and estimates. Life does not put marks, it does not have a five-point scale and a mandatory program. Here and now you are creating the future, and if you don't want a repeat of the past, don't torture yourself with memories of what has already happened. It is impossible to predict everything.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings and actions. Each person has their own upbringing and idea of ​​life. Information about the surrounding world comes to consciousness through the individual prism of perception. If a person sees everything in a different light and acts according to their own convictions, this is not your fault.
It's not your fault if you can't do something. A person cannot know everything. Learn and be persistent. If you fail again, find other ways to solve the problem. As Einstein said, it is foolish to judge the intelligence of a fish by making it climb a tree.
Do not punish yourself for breakdowns, failures, misunderstandings. What was, is gone. Self-punishment will not help you improve or change the past.

Forgive yourself, don't let guilt rule you, and you'll open up a new future where there will be no place for the ghosts of the past.