How to respond to a person if he insulted you. What to do if a loved one or colleague is being rude? How to respond to insults and aggression

You also need to be able to respond to insult properly. And we'll tell you exactly how.

Unfortunately, today there are too many people who can easily offend others. They are present in the environment of each of us. You can easily come across them in a store, public transport or at your own entrance.

It is noteworthy that insult others, usually weak people. They cannot reasonably convey their point of view to others, and therefore choose the simplest path - an insult.

Most often, behind such anger, these people hide their own insecurities and fears. Usually, after the uttered rudeness, they immediately disappear from sight.

Another category of those who like to talk nasty things is the aggressors who love scandals and feel themselves in conflict situations as comfortable as possible. With their insults, they provoke you to an appropriate reaction, after which they enjoy being in the epicenter of the conflict. Such people stand their ground to the last and are never the first to back down.

Several options for how to respond to an insult correctly

In no case should you follow the lead of the aggressor and respond to his insults in the same way. After all, in this way you will only fall into the trap set by him, which will devastate you both morally and even physically.

It is better to choose a different reaction. Moreover, there are several options:

How to keep a good mood despite insults

Even if we learn to respond to insults correctly, this does not mean at all that offensive words will stop hurting us. In any case, an unpleasant aftertaste remains, which is not so easy to get rid of. That is why it is so important to learn a couple of tricks that will allow you not to lose your inner balance even under such unpleasant circumstances.

Thus, resisting rudeness is not so difficult. Moreover - at such moments you can even stay in good location spirit. Philosophical attitude towards various life situations and self-love work wonders. And learning how to respond to insults correctly, as we see, is not at all so difficult.

Learn not to respond to insults and good mood to you!

Video: Roman Kartsev and Viktor Ilchenko - Mood

Arthur is a smart, thoughtful, and well-loved graduate student, so he was stunned and crushed when one of the professors answered a question he asked in a seminar by telling Arthur that he was a total idiot.

“I blushed,” Arthur said. “And, perhaps, for the first time in my life, not only could I not utter a word, and not even a single coherent thought arose in my head. I felt like my brain had completely switched off.”

Teresa, a nurse, experienced a similar reaction when the head nurse in her department yelled at her for a minor error in her time sheet.

“I could not deny that I was wrong,” Teresa said, “but it was about my time, not about the patient. I didn't hurt anyone, but she yelled at me like I was the dumbest, ugliest idiot in the world. I didn't answer her. All I could do was just stand there. I just told myself that in no case should I cry. It was all I could think of. But, of course, I burst into tears, and this made me even more angry with myself. ”

Research shows that shame and guilt, although sometimes related, are actually very different emotions.

Feeling guilty, or acknowledging a wrongdoing, can lead to positive changes in a person's behavior.

Shame is a way to suppress and repress a person, and it has been proven that shame, humiliation, and emotional and physical abuse are often closely related.

People who describe feelings of humiliation report feeling destroyed, helpless, confused, paralyzed, and full of anger. Sometimes it seemed to them that this feeling was akin to being suddenly drastically reduced in size or struck right in the heart. They felt a surge of heat and wanted to disappear. It does not matter how many years have passed since the event, but these experiences remain vivid and alive in consciousness for a long time.

A common reaction to humiliation is a desire to disappear, sink through the ground, or disappear into thin air. And often, when we are humiliated, we lose all ability to act.

If this has ever happened to you, you know the feeling. Maybe you sometimes thought about what you could have done at that moment or later to protect yourself.

Get rid of the shame and pain of humiliation

Here are 7 tips based on psychotherapeutic experience and understanding of the dynamics of shame, as well as the results of recent research on this topic.

1. Take the time to formulate an answer.

It's not easy, especially when your mind is terrified and all you want is to disappear. But if you get your brain to work, you can find a way to respond appropriately.

You don't need to apologize, take the blame, or counterattack - it can all have backfire At the moment.

Just keep hitting.

2. Don't take humiliation too personally.

To begin with, take your mind off yourself and try to reflect on what made the person say such humiliating things to you at this moment.

Look at your abuser, even with your mouth open if necessary. He may try to humiliate you even more, but this reaction, more than any words you can think of, will show how stunned you are that this person allows you to behave in this way.

Sometimes the person who puts you down doesn't do it on purpose, and when he sees your reaction, he may be horrified and immediately apologize, although he will not always allow you to witness his dismay (perhaps because now he himself feels ashamed!).

If you think your boss didn't want to humiliate you in front of the entire team, asking directly is the best answer.

You may be asking, "Can you give me five minutes?" and then, having met with him face to face, say something like: “I know you didn’t want this, but when you criticized me in front of the whole team, I was very upset. Yes, I'm ready to hear your criticism. You have a clear and correct view of many things. But I would be very grateful if you would criticize me in private.”

You can get a sincere apology, but no one, including your boss, likes to be told what they did wrong, so expect to get a snort or even another critique in return. Take it easy. If your boss really didn't want to humiliate you, your opinion will be heard.

But if the person wanted to embarrass or shame you, no matter what you did wrong, you don't deserve to be humiliated.

Of course, take responsibility for the mistakes you make, but don't admit that making a mistake means that you unworthy person who should be ashamed of himself or be humiliated by others.

When someone tries to make you feel humiliated, it's usually because they're in trouble, not because you did something terrible.

3. Try to get out of the situation.

Neurologists say that we have about 20 minutes to change the direction of a conversation when it gets emotional. After this time, you and your interlocutor will be locked into the boundaries of the negative model, and will be able to switch only after completing the interaction.

So don't get hung up on achieving your goal in the process of talking in raised tones. Keep your distance. You can say, "I'm not really ready to discuss this with you right now" or "I'm sorry you're reacting this way, we'll talk later."

4. Try to understand the other person's motives.

As soon as you cut off a conversation that could end badly for you, you will have time to think about what is happening. Understanding does not mean forgiveness, feeling sorry, or having to be nice to someone who has offended you.

It is simply a tool to help you become aware of the shadow behaviors of others. This is useful for not taking their actions to heart - and as a way to make sure it's them and not you.

Perhaps they are angry because you are shaming them in some way? It may be something that you are not even aware of, but when you focus, you will remember that you said and did something recently. It seemed insignificant to you, but somehow it hit them extremely hard. So now they pay you in kind, even if you didn't do it on purpose.

Another possibility is that your abuser feels a threat to his power - and by trying to hurt you, he asserts his power. Sometimes this intention is closely related to specific person- when the aggressor reacts to what you said or did not say, did or did not do.

But more often it is associated with a general feeling of powerlessness or helplessness experienced by the aggressor.

Perpetrators often feel unattractive and/or powerless (not always realizing it) and are therefore forced to "prove" their strength by harassing vulnerable victims.

5. Realize that you are not alone.

It is unlikely that someone will be able to live life without ever experiencing humiliation.

Talk to other people who have experienced the same thing as you.

In addition, if a person abused and humiliated you, he almost certainly did it to others. As soon as one victim claims to have been mistreated, others also admit it.

Confessions help you not take humiliation personally by realizing that you are the victim, not the cause of the problem.

6. Be careful how you respond.

Humiliation is a mixture of anger and shame, so retribution may seem in a good way restore self-esteem.

But the danger is that someone who puts others down to feel more powerful is more likely to react even more violently and strike back.

But refusing immediate retribution does not mean that you are weak.

Strength may lie in the willingness to fight and stand up for others in a similar situation. But do not criticize yourself if you are not ready to openly confront the aggressor.

You may not always respond to humiliation immediately, but it is within your power not to allow the aggressor to influence your future life, which will become a form of revenge. You are not who they want you to be and not who they see you as.

You have strengths and are able to live a fulfilling life without them - whether that means ending a relationship or leaving a job, changing a manager, or simply having nothing to do with a particular person.

Arthur is lucky. The professor who humiliated him turned out to be a good man, and when he saw Arthur's reaction, he immediately apologized to the entire audience. But that doesn't always work out that way.

The head nurse who humiliated Teresa was known to lash out at everyone who worked with her. Teresa overcame this situation with the support of colleagues. "Everyone knows she's a real bitch," Teresa said. “She's hard to resist. But this good job so no one wants to leave. So we just tolerate it. And we always support each other, saying a lot of positive words to each other. It's the best we can do."

The support of others, colleagues, friends, teachers, mentors is key.

It is useful to keep a journal of your experiences, writing down when and what exactly happened. But don't use this method if it makes you feel even worse about revisiting the experience.

But most of the time, writing down what happened helps you get it out of your head. And as we know from experience, such notes can be very useful one day when you get a chance to be heard.

Addition

When a person is humiliated, then inside he has subconscious programs that attract the negative attitude of others. For example, this could be low self-esteem or hostility. People reflect your vision of the world, and in order to correct such situations, you should go inside yourself and find negative patterns, and then regularly change them with the help of reflections and new beliefs.

You need to work on increasing your self-worth and know that there are times when people do certain things or say bad words, not because you are bad. Not! In fact, there can be many reasons. For example, their internal genetic programs that provoke them to behave this way.

The most important thing is not that you were insulted, but how you reacted. Your reactions hurt you and it is important to work with them. Develop your confidence and humiliation will no longer be present in your life. All the best!

This is one of the first desires that arise after an insult. But a retaliatory attack is appropriate only if it:

• witty;
• takes place in the circle of relatives or friends;
• defuse the situation rather than exacerbate the conflict.

In all other cases, even if you consider yourself a wit worse than Oscar Wilde, answering an insult with an insult is not the best way out. So you sink to the level of a boorish opponent and make it clear that his words hurt you, that is, there may be some truth in them.

2. Make a joke

The difference between a witty insult and a joking response is that in the latter case, you are making fun of the situation itself. The advantages of this strategy are obvious: the insult loses its toxicity, tension, and the audience (if any) takes your side.

In this case, you can also take a pseudo-self-deprecating position. This will confuse your opponent and mask the sarcasm.

Example 1: A colleague says you've prepared an ugly presentation.

Answer: You are probably right. Next time, I won't ask my five-year-old son for help."

Example 2: A stranger calls you names.

Answer: “Thank you, this is very valuable information. You opened my eyes to my shortcomings. Something to think about over lunch."

3. Accept

In some cases, it is really worth analyzing words that seem offensive to you. Especially if they come from people close and respected by you. In this case, take their remarks not as an insult, but as criticism that can make you better.

It would be useful to think about the motives of people, to find out what exactly made them use harsh language. Perhaps this is a violent reaction to your far from angelic behavior.

4. Respond to intent, not words

Any insult always has a hidden purpose. Make the secret clear: designate it.

For example, in response to rude words, say: “Wow! Something really serious happened between us, since you decided to hurt me.

So, on the one hand, you can unsettle your opponent, and on the other hand, find out the reason for his negative attitude.

5. Keep calm

If the insult comes not from a loved one, but from a colleague, acquaintance, or even a stranger, never show that the words hurt you. Most likely, behind them lies uncertainty, dissatisfaction own life and the desire to just win back on you. Don't let the trick work, react calmly and with a smile.

If necessary, continue to bend your line: ask what exactly caused such a reaction in a person, not paying attention to his words.

6. Ignore

Often the best answer is its absence. If we are talking about Internet trolls, you can simply not respond to their comments or send boors to . Well, "in offline mode" you can always skip the insult past your ears or leave. You have every right to do so.

An example from ancient Roman history... Once, in the public baths, someone hit the politician Cato. When the offender came to apologize, Cato replied: "I don't remember the blow."

This phrase can be interpreted as follows: "You are so insignificant that not only do I not care about your apology, but I did not even notice the insult itself."

7. Use the law

You can hold the offender accountable, or at least threaten him with it. The punishment for insult is spelled out in the Code of administrative offenses, but libel is already in the scope of criminal law. In case of insults from the boss, you can contact the personnel department.

The main thing - remember: no one has the right to encroach on your honor, dignity and reputation. But you must respond to people in the same way. Otherwise, any recommendations are meaningless.

Good afternoon, dear readers! Recently, a client of mine asked the following question: what to do if you are insulted. We are often faced with unpleasant people who behave inappropriately. But after all, we cannot put our head on them. Only the reaction and further communication depends on us. Today I want to talk about what a teenager should do if he constantly stumbles upon insults, how to behave to spouses and what to do with a rude colleague.

As teenagers, we are faced with ill-mannered classmates who believe that whoever is stronger is right. That you can easily offend a person, fight, humiliate, and nothing will happen for it. And if the teacher complains about him, then he will begin to pester even more and will not let you live in peace at all.

Not only in school people live by such principles. And in adulthood, we are faced with similar instances. One of the most common examples occurs every day on the streets of all cities on our planet. Drivers just insult each other like that. Someone cut, someone climbed out of turn, almost collided. All this is accompanied huge amount insults, slander, and sometimes even threats.

I'm already silent about social media. There is even a special term on the Internet for people who behave inappropriately - a troll. To be brave behind the screen, not to be afraid of a retaliatory strike, to write everything that comes into your head, everyone can today. This cannot be avoided.

If on the Internet you can just close the page, do not answer, ignore, then in real life everything is much more complicated. The person who insults you is standing right in front of you. Here he screams, opens his mouth, from which humiliating phrases pour out.

What should the child do in this case? Reply the same? Give back? Complain to a teacher? Tell your parents?

Stressful work environment

It happens that we are faced with a terrible boor at work. This person can be a colleague, boss, customer or performer. And how to behave in each of these situations? After all, you won’t explain to your boss that he’s a terrible, vile person who doesn’t know how to behave.

There is a subordination in the office and to express everything that you think to the boss in the face is considered unacceptable. But if he constantly humiliates and insults you, then this cannot be tolerated either. You can try to talk, explain all your complaints and try to find a way out together.

In addition, you can try to avoid contact with this person. Minimize your communication or transfer work through a third party. Why do you need once again deal with negativity? After all, he stays with you and you bring him home. Is your family life worth it?

You have to work at work. Fulfill all your duties, do not be distracted by sorting out the relationship, observe subordination, do not respond to rudeness and humiliation.

It is best to stop talking to the person who is behaving in this way. After all, they usually wait for your reaction, the intensity of passions, the continuation of the conflict.

You can get out of this situation as a winner if you simply stop such communication in the future.

Family matters

At home, things are a little different. You can't just get up and leave.

There is a problem - the husband insults his wife. It needs to be solved. For starters, you can try to handle on their own. We need a calm and thoughtful conversation. The couple sit down and together decide what to do with this problem.

Remember that in family life, respect between spouses is very important. It is his absence that leads to such problems, when the wife constantly humiliates her missus, trying to offend him. Be sure to read the article "".

If you cannot cope on your own, then you always have the opportunity to seek help from a specialist. Family psychologists help to get to the true reason for such behavior of the spouses, suggest the necessary steps to change the situation and direct them in the right direction.

The family is our fortress. Place. Where we should feel safe. Our loved one should not cause us negative emotions.

Of course, we all swear, quarrel, but all this should not go beyond boundaries. Humiliation and insults are unacceptable in family life.

Is it possible to fight this?

One of my clients constantly tells how his friends tease one of the guys. Sometimes the jokes are completely harmless and even cute, and sometimes the humor turns into derogatory and insulting remarks.

Friends can and should talk about their feelings. If you are offended by their comments, be sure to point it out. Ask them not to bring up a topic that hurts you anymore, ask them for help if you don’t know how to deal with the problem yourself. Remember that friends are there for support and understanding.

Definitely not worth responding to such behavior with rudeness. You are an adult man of sense and understand that such a reaction is expected of you.

Insults are thrown in the case when the conversation has already lost all constructiveness and moved into a different direction. You can try to end the conversation, leave, ask to come back later, put down the phone.

Remember that such a person probably has a lot of internal problems. Happy man does not pour slop on others. He is friendly, sociable and calm. And when there is unresolved issues, then many consider it normal to dump all the garbage on others.

Keeping this in mind, you will treat such people differently.

Be happy!

You know the enemy by sight - it's easier to fight. Is it necessary? Or is it worth developing in yourself a certain tactic of responding (or rather, NOT responding) to insults. When a person deliberately wants to offend you - ask yourself the question - WHY?

Why is he doing this? Wants to humiliate you in order to exalt himself? Then his act causes compassion. This is the only way a person can assert himself.

Or he wants to hurt your nerves to piss you off. What for? He is looking for a lightning rod in you, he wants to drain his irritation somewhere.
Always think - why? And only after you understand the root cause and choose a model of your behavior. After all, we cannot be offended, we can only be offended. Sami. So, such a reaction is the result of his own choice.

Leo Tolstoy also said: “It's all about the mind. Thought is the beginning of everything. And thoughts can be controlled. And therefore the main task of perfection is to work on thoughts.”

The main groups of lovers of insults:

• Losers. Their only way to assert themselves is to belittle the other person.
• these are people who enjoy, energetically “feed off” due to quarrels, scandals, including insults to other people. They feel good when others feel bad.
• Aggressors: people who see everyone as an enemy. To protect themselves, they are the first to attack other people.
• Ill-bred people for whom the norm is communication in the language of insults.

If you immediately start reacting thoughtlessly after the insult, your offender will celebrate the victory. WHY?
Why give him such an opportunity! How do we respond to insults? A fool is a fool himself. A familiar picture?
When you see this from the outside, you understand that both of them are the most stupid people. One, due to the lack of upbringing and endurance, allowed himself such a thing, and the second, having tuned in to his destructive wave, accepted the conditions of this “game”. Both are worthy of compassion.

Sometimes we get insulted so unexpectedly that we don't even have time to respond positively. Offensive words hurt painfully, sharp needles enter the very heart. We are not sure what to say in the first minute, but “after the fight” we come up with a plan for revenge.
Now stop and look at the situation as if from the outside. Silly and funny. Wit on the stairs. What are we spending our precious lives on? A person has long forgotten about his attack, and you are carefully and scrupulously cultivating the seeds of revenge in YOUR soul. And they are very systematically destroying you from the inside. WHY?

If, nevertheless, you understand that it is you who is the master of your thoughts, and not vice versa, stop and imagine the whole situation from space. Are you crying now? Are you offended? How would it look in cosmic scale? Negligibly small and not worth your nerves. It even becomes funny - because of such a trifle there are so many experiences.
Have you calmed down? And now go to the window and carefully, but the smallest lines, consider some object outside the window. You switched your attention, took a deep breath and ... you felt better.

At first, it will not be easy to get rid of destructive thoughts, and resentment will remind of itself from time to time.
STOP! Stop the flow of sad thoughts. Sip delicious tea with lemon and honey. Listen to good music.. Watch a comedy. Play with pets. Switch to a positive wave.

If the offender is an outsider, then you should not be led to a provocation, indulge in mutual accusations and showdown. The wisest move is to ignore.

It's harder to do it when your boss or co-worker insults you. In this case, it is better to avoid conflict. If this is your boss and you still have to communicate with him, here you will have to develop a certain tactic of behavior.
Psychologists recommend that the first step is to understand what exactly in your work caused such a reaction, to isolate constructive criticism, where exactly you did not complete or made a mistake.

The next step is to protect your psyche from verbal "attack".
There is such an approach. It's called Aquarium. When the boss starts screaming and insulting half a turn, imagine him in an aquarium, like a fish that opens its mouth, but you can’t hear the words. Such a protective shell helps a lot to abstract. Words, like balls, bounce off without reaching the goal.

In general, as far as the boss is concerned, one must act carefully. In this case, before responding to an insult, you must imagine that you have a small, capricious child in front of you. And your task is to calm him down, pat him on the head, kiss him and feed him semolina. By placing yourself in such a situation, you will easily endure the attacks, meeting them calmly and with a smile. This will also affect emotional state chief.

If you watched the movie "The Matrix", then remember the moment when Neo stopped the bullets fired at him. Imagine that the rudeness thrown at you is bullets, and you are invulnerable, and all the rudeness does not reach you, falling with a ringing on the floor.

If silence does not work, you can respond with a little taunt.

“A gentle answer removes malice; hurtful words arouse anger.”
John Ruskin

A good reception, only it requires a certain hardening, endurance - to respond politely to evil insults. Or, at the very least, say calmly: "How rude and rude you are."
Sometimes it acts like a tub cold water on the offender. In any case, you get a pause and will be able to retreat from the battlefield with your head held high.

The most unfortunate, in my opinion, response technique is to shout all sorts of nonsense in response. Of course, in this way you become a twin brother and slide down to the level of this ill-mannered type. But sometimes it helps relieve stress. Especially if you took two octaves higher.

Much better help reception of a splash of negative emotions into the water. Open the faucet and just scream everything that has boiled into the stream of water. How well it helps! Wash your face with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is over. You are smarter! Give yourself five and try to draw healthy conclusions from this situation.

The man showed his true face. Can you remake it? Thankless work. Either you accept him for who he is, or that's the end of your relationship. The choice is always yours! The main thing is not to stoop to the role of a victim.
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We all had to hear insults addressed to us and, out of surprise, we did not know how to respond to them correctly. They began to be rude or cry from resentment. Below, a psychologist gives some tips on how to intelligently respond to an insult to an offender. Gives examples of phrases that will help you get out of an unpleasant situation beautifully.

First, let's talk about several types of correct reactions to an insult.

calmness

PS. Remember that an insult is a negative, intentionally statement of a person's assessment, which humiliates his honor and dignity. It can be applied orally, in writing, and even with a gesture. In this case, the object of attacks does not have to be present in person.
AT Russian Federation This is punishable under Art. 5.61 of the Code of Administrative Offenses.