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This article will tell you in an accessible form how decisively, but at the same time competently, accurately and politely refuse a person asking you for a favor...
Not so long ago I watched the movie with Jim Carrey "Yes Man" (2008 release). The plot revolved around the idea that you need to overpower yourself, say “Yes” to everyone, and everything will be like this -
But in practice, it seems to me, the problem is exactly the opposite - for many people, the mere thought that someone will have to REFUSE becomes uncomfortable. They constantly joke that, they say, “it’s easier to give up than to explain why“ no ”, etc.
In fact, this skill can be mastered. But even more than that, I’ll say that it IS NECESSARY to master it, because if you don’t know how to say “no”, then you will NEVER become a truly free person, fully realize yourself, do what YOU, AND NOT OTHERS, need. You will be doomed to do what DOES NOT concern you, while being angry at others and at yourself, repeating the cherished words of all the compromisers like a mantra: “well, this is definitely the last time ...”
So, let's stop being trouble-free "like a Mosin rifle of 1891" - here are 6 fairly simple ways to STRONGLY, CONvincingly and DEFINITELY, but at the same time POLITE, TACTICALLY, and WITHOUT VIOLENCE OVER YOURSELF, say "NO":
METHOD ONE - DIRECTLY "NO"
The first thing that comes to mind is to directly say “NO” to the interlocutor and explain the reason for the refusal.
In fact, "explaining" is not necessary at all. If you stand and come up with the “true reason for the refusal”, then it will be immediately obvious - such behavior of yours will look insincere and far-fetched ...
Maybe it's better to just say "no", without writing and lying on the go? A direct, simple “no” is quite self-sufficient, convincing and understandable.
Try this recipe - just don't add anything to your rejection.
Of course, you don't have to be rude. You can use mild terms:
If this is not enough for your interlocutor, he begins to resort to various manipulations, tricks, then you can try to apply the so-called “DAMAGED RECORD TECHNIQUE”, the essence of which is to repeat the same phrase several times - in our case, a short refusal :
Under no circumstances should you respond to provocations! They must be patiently listened to and waited out. Even if one form of “persuasion” replaces another, you cannot ask questions, clarify or object to anything - just listen silently and repeat your “no!”
The considered technique is especially effective in relation to assertive and / or aggressive people, as it deprives them of the opportunity to apply their strength, and, consequently, the opportunity to persuade them further.
METHOD TWO - EMpathetic "NO"
Here is the “softest” answer to the question “ How to politely refuse a person?», main principle which consists in thoughtful, attentive listening to the interlocutor. You need to show that you understand his problems with all your heart, you sympathize. But at the end - add your refusal to fulfill the request.
You can use the following opt-out options:
At the same time, the reason for the refusal can also be left out, especially if your compassion looks convincing enough.
This trick is especially effective with people who want to arouse pity, play on your feelings. And, of course, for those who just wanted attention, sympathy and support...
METHOD THREE - A REASONABLE "NO"
If there is a sufficiently weighty reason for your refusal, then, of course, you can voice it. In this case, you don’t need to be smart - just use this elementary formula: “I can’t do this, because ... (the reason is given below)”
You can also use special techniques failure, for example, by the method " three reasons". The formula of this rather weighty and convincing technique is: “Sorry, but I can’t do this for three reasons ... (these reasons are voiced further)”
The main thing in this technique is not to spray on unnecessary details. It is important that the interlocutor does not get lost in your arguments and captures the very essence of your message.
Use this technique can be done in both informal and formal settings. It will be especially appropriate in communication with your bosses, older people, etc.
METHOD FOUR - DELAYED "NO"
If the methods described above are too decisive for you, if you are used to automatically agreeing with everything and have completely forgotten how to refuse, the DELAY ANSWER method may suit you. So you will gain time, you can turn to other people for advice how to politely say no to someone etc.
This technique is also well suited for those who are heavily loaded with work (and, accordingly, cannot correctly assess their labor reserves), who doubt themselves excessively, their actions, as well as those who are accustomed to constantly and carefully analyze all their actions.
The essence of the technique is to ask for time to consider the request:
Thus, the soul will not have to bend. You just need to ask for some time out, which will protect you from a lot of rash decisions. Just try not to leave "opponent of maneuver" space for further discussion in this moment time!
Such techniques work great with persistent, assertive people who absolutely do not tolerate any objections.
FIFTH METHOD - "NO" BY 50% or COMPROMISE "NO"
Sometimes you would agree to help your interlocutor, but not 100%, right? Then you can offer him to negotiate the terms. But here it is important to be extremely precise - what you will do and what not:
In the event that your opponent is not satisfied with the conditions, then you can safely refuse to help!
METHOD SIX - "NO" IN SMALL OR DIPLOMATIC "NO"
Sometimes you just need to invite your interlocutor to the negotiations. Then and refuse him individual positions it will be convenient, and it will be much easier to find a mutually acceptable option.
This technique is suitable when ready solution You don’t have a problem, and you would like to find it together: “Come on, I’ll try to help you in a different way? How - I have not decided yet ... Let's think together?
You can also invite a third party (specialist, expert, your friend and ally) to cooperate ...
HOW TO LEARN THESE TECHNIQUES?
As you can see, if you need politely refuse a person- there are plenty to choose from. But just reading this material is not enough.
Therefore, put them into practice as often as possible so that these useful skills simply become a habit!
The Spanish philosopher Gracian Baltasar once said that "he who belongs to everyone cannot belong to himself."
Think about it. And understand that it is vital to develop the skill described above, since any request cannot be answered in the affirmative - because this WILL LEAD YOU TO A SITUATION in which WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR ACTIONS NO ONE ! Do you need it?
Quite often it happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.
Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?
First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task with which the asker can perfectly cope on his own, spending a little more strength and time, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.
They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.
Ability to handle different forms of rejection
There are several simple ways, which can help, how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a service "for the future", that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.
If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.
Refusal does not mean offending
In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when a request is made by an unfamiliar or not too close person. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.
When someone close asks for a service, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but even here there are several options for how to refuse native person and don't offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.
The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion
Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.
Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.
Deny…temporarily
Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.
If it turns out to be simple enough, you can meet halfway, but when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to employment or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.
Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"
Partial "no"
Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.
For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:
- only on certain days of the week
- only in good weather
- no more than 15 minutes
On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.
What about "yes"?
It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. Always put first own desires and priorities, and even in those cases when one of your friends was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!
Update date: 11/26/2017
The word "no" is slightly longer than the word "yes". But for some reason, we easily say the latter at every step, but to refuse someone is an impossible mission for us. Why is it so hard to say the word “no!”? And how exactly to refuse a request in order to remain within the framework of etiquette and?
Why are we afraid to say "no"?
The fear of saying “no” can start in childhood. Big influence(unfortunately, not always positive) has a parental example and the moral principles that the family follows.
For example, even in the sandbox, caring and friendly mothers always teach to share their favorite toys with other children. And the kid knows: if he does not share, they will scold and punish him. And now the child, reluctantly, choking on tears, holds out his beloved scoop to an unfamiliar harmful boy ... and remembers his state of mind for a long time. And he will continue to live, guided by the principle “one must always give and help, even if one does not want to”; and will continue to be constantly afraid of punishment for refusing to do anything.
From a small sandbox in the yard, a stereotype of behavior and communication with others of an already adult person is laid. We get used to sharing something expensive and very valuable, so that we are loved, not offended, so that we are not called an extremely impolite person. Even if we refuse to fulfill someone's request, we are afraid of spoiling relations with people, losing the trust of friends, the attention and respect of others...
Many suffer from an "excellent student complex" formed over time. school years. Such people always try to justify someone's expectations, to please others, to be "more educated" and more polite than everyone else. How can you say “no” and refuse someone?
But by constantly agreeing to do what we don’t want or really can’t, we lose much more. We forget about our interests, we infringe on our own rights to personal space, personal property, time and rest, finally. Regularly doing something against our will, we find ourselves in a situation of wasting strength - both mental and physical; we lose touch with our own "I"; earn stress, depression, fatigue; we get into time trouble, simply not having time to allocate time for personal life.
Saying “no”, for some reason we feel discomfort on a psychological level: it becomes awkward, a feeling of guilt appears.
But answering “yes” is more pleasant: this word will be followed by a stream of gratitude and immense joy of the interlocutor. And at this moment, few people think how much strength, nerves and health he will have to give for this momentary happiness of the “applicant” ...
Saying "no" has to be learned. Just like learning to thank, apologize, say hello and greet people. Saying the word "no" is not out of etiquette. Moreover, the ability to refuse is a manifestation of our politeness and good breeding.
How to Learn to Refuse Politely
The ability to refuse politely and correctly cannot be developed after only 2-3 attempts to mumble "no ...". Ultimately, such a skill should become part of the culture of communicating with people, a way to preserve the inviolability of one's interests and personal space.
In every situation where you feel the need to answer “no!” At the request of an annoying interlocutor, completely different refusal tactics will be applicable. Their choice should depend on the degree of your relationship with the person, the real possibility / impossibility to provide assistance, your personal attitude towards the interlocutor, etc. However, there are certain principles and rules of cultural rejection that will make it easier for you to protect yourself from encroachments on personal time, energy, and - very importantly -.
Before you sharply and irrevocably pronounce your cold “no!”, try to understand the true motives of the interlocutor. After all, any request can be the result of two intentions - the desire to find real help in hopeless situation or just a way to manipulate you.
In the first case, you should think about the reasons for your ardent readiness to quickly refuse a person. Perhaps, behind them lies ordinary laziness or immense selfishness? So, you need to slightly reconsider your principles of life and the form of communication with people. But the situation of the second type requires utmost attention and the use of special rules of communication.
Therefore, it is necessary to take into account important "speech" subtleties:
- If you feel that the current situation still requires an immediate refusal, do not delay with a strong and decisive “no”. Your answer to the request should be just that - firm, clear and confident. The slightest trembling in your voice and eyes “running” around will betray your doubts and awkwardness to the interlocutor. And this, in turn, will become another opportunity for manipulation.
- When refusing, do not set yourself up in advance for a negative response and a great offense to the interlocutor. First, if you politely describe your "no" with available arguments, further pressure on you will be almost impossible. And secondly, if you still hear reproaches addressed to you, then they will reflect just not your bad manners, but the lack of culture in another person.
- When saying the word “no”, do not try to put yourself in a psychological “block” and stand in a protective position with your arms crossed over your chest. So you can really offend the interlocutor with inappropriate neglect. After all, no one is going to attack you!
- Try to pronounce expressions of refusal in a calm, neutral tone, do not accompany your words with negative emotions. The interlocutor should not feel the negativity in your voice. And you, in turn, should not kindle sparks of discontent with a person inside.
- In no case do not shame the interlocutor for trying to ask you for something! Do not accuse a person of lack of independence or, worse, impudence. After all, he really needs help, not your notations! Make it a rule: if you cannot satisfy the request, provide at least moral support.
- In particular, when trying to support a person, try to speak sincerely, consider and weigh every word. You should not pour stereotypical verbal cliché formulas and give “hackneyed” supposedly wise advice. After all, a completely real one is asking you special person, and not a generalized type of "eternal Russian sufferer"!
- During the conversation, do not be afraid about your feelings. This will help you convey thoughts correctly, be sincere and frank, avoid tension in further relations and don't get bogged down in unnecessary explanations. The interlocutor will feel that you are not only listening, but also hearing him. Your truthfulness will show that you have really entered into the person's situation and understood him correctly. In response, he will speak sincerely and fearlessly look for other solutions to the problem.
- The use of “I-messages” is very effective at the psychological level. For example, "I would like to help, but...", "I'm really interested in this offer, but...", "I'm really upset about the current situation, but...". So you show your interest in the life events of the interlocutor. Avoid using phrases with the pronoun "you" ("you" - messages): "YOU ask me again ...", "YOU always find yourself in such situations ...".
- Also, do not use all sorts of generalizations such as "always asking", "constantly borrowing money ...". No need to hint at frequent problems in the life of the interlocutor.
- You can accompany the word "no" with certain appropriate gestures. For example, show hand light gesture of "repulsion", rejection. In this way, on an emotional level, you will convince the person that you are not going to take on exorbitant obligations.
- During the conversation, do not interrupt the interlocutor, try to listen carefully to him, show respect for him.
By applying these important speech rules, it will be much easier for you to avoid resentment, misunderstanding, or outbursts of aggression from the interlocutor. But how exactly to say this difficult word "no"?
Let's try to highlight the main principles of polite refusal:
- The most important thing is to make sure that you are correct, or rather, his request. It may happen that they ask for mere trifles, and it already seemed to you that they were encroaching on all your free time.
- In many cases, when you use the word “no”, you are not required to accompany it with comments and explanations. The details of your life should not be shared with other people. However, if you think that some explanation of the refusal is still required (for example, in a situation of communication with a close relative), then give clear, precise arguments. Do not mumble, try not to lie.
- If you doubt that you can not help the interlocutor, do not say "no" immediately. Try to take some time to think. Say "I'll think about it", "let's get back to this a little later." Perhaps during this period of time you will really have the opportunity to help a person.
In principle, such verbal forms can also be used when it is very difficult for you to refuse a person right away, even though you understand that you are unlikely to be able to help. But in any case, do not delay with the answer, so as not to sow unnecessary hopes for you in the interlocutor.
If you initially know that you can’t help in any way, it’s better to say “no” right away. After all, a person may need quick and real help, you should not make him wait senselessly.
Sometimes a refusal situation will require arguments. For example, if they ask you to borrow some money, and you were going to spend it on buying a school uniform for your child. Or a friend asks you to sit with her daughter on the day off, and for you the day off is the only opportunity to relax and sleep after a hard working week. Do not be afraid to speak truthfully and sincerely about your feelings and plans. After all, the interlocutor himself can be in your place and must understand and accept your arguments.
There may be a situation where you have the opportunity to fulfill some part of the request. Offer your feasible help in this, but do not take on other impossible work.
Remember to use well-known polite or "softening" words when communicating, such as "thank you", "please", "sorry". Agree, the expression “please understand me, no” sounds much more pleasant than a dry and monosyllabic “no!”.
Try together with the interlocutor in solving his problem, speculate on others possible options in which you are not required to participate. In such a discussion, it is important to be sensitive, thoughtful, to try to find real and effective ways.
Feel free to voice specific rules or principles of your life, if they are relevant in this situation. For example, "On Saturday I usually go to the village to visit my grandmother" or "I used to spend Sunday with my family."
If they obsessively try to hang an exorbitant task on you, do not be afraid to hint that you are not entirely competent in some matter and can ruin everything. Or your skills are not so good to fulfill the request efficiently and quickly.
The principles we have enumerated can be applied to absolutely different situations. Each of them has some degree of effectiveness. However, there are often times when our modest and polite “no” is stubbornly refused to be heard... How should one behave? How can you still refuse an annoying person without violating the norms of etiquette? It's time to use the "heavy artillery"...
Tricks of the cunning
The advice that we will offer you does not go beyond the scope of etiquette. They will not violate the norms of decency, will not offend or humiliate your interlocutor. They will only require you to develop your imagination and show greater ingenuity. As a result, you will present yourself not only as a polite and cultured person, but also as a person with an extraordinary mind.
Sometimes it is psychologically difficult to pronounce exactly the word “no” or any expression with negative particles “not” or “neither”. Try to formulate your phrase in a different way, give the refusal a positive connotation. For example: "It would be great to go shopping with you if I weren't sick."
Try in your arguments to refer to the point of view of another person familiar to both of you. It should be a kind of hindrance for you when fulfilling the request. For example: "I can't lend you money because my husband was going to use it to fix his car."
If you don’t find any reasons to refuse at all, try saying that you could fulfill the request if, for example, you were given more time for this, if you didn’t need to prepare a quarterly report, etc.
Try to clearly and clearly explain the possibility of failure of the case if it is assigned to you. For example, you are not the best cook, so you won’t undertake to cook a birthday cake for your second cousin’s birthday. Either you, to work with your niece weekly.
When choosing arguments for your “no”, speak the language of those values that your interlocutor shares. For example, to a girl who likes to visit beauty salons, you can say the following: “I can’t babysit your baby right now because I have to be at my hairdresser at 3:00 pm.”
Refusing, try to simultaneously reward the interlocutor with a sincere compliment. For example, you can answer a colleague: “You came up with a very interesting scenario for a corporate event, but it would be embarrassing to be the host.” So you will significantly soften your refusal.
If the interlocutor in his request is not yet very intrusive, try changing the subject of the conversation. However, choose to discuss what will be interesting to the other person. Take him away from the problem.
Sometimes you can try to redirect the request for help to the interlocutor himself. Ask him: “What would you do if you were asked to borrow the money with which you were going to buy a gift for your daughter?”. However, such questions should be asked calmly and friendly, without the slightest hint of irritation.
In some cases, the simulation of a serious activity or employment will play into your hands. If you already have a premonition that they are ready to ask you for something difficult, tell us in advance about your excessive workload, about plans for rework suburban area weekends, etc.
Try to put the person asking you before a certain choice. For example, tell your boss that you are ready to short terms prepare documents for verification if he releases you from a number of current tasks.
If the interlocutor continues to impose his request on you and does not accept reasonable arguments, try to lead the conversation with humor, in other words, “play it off”. Just use polite and genuinely funny jokes that won't offend the person.
Such tricks, in no way beyond the bounds of decency, will allow you to painlessly defend your right to rest and. But try to use them in cases where standard set rules are not suitable for an overly annoying interlocutor.
Manipulators - our weighty "no!"
Unfortunately, often in the course of a conversation, we notice that we are being shamelessly manipulated. And, as a rule, we ourselves give rise to such pressure. You really need to be very careful in choosing words and expressions, to avoid excessive frankness.
A few tips will save you from the pressure of others, will not give strangers a reason to impose on you a baggage of unnecessary obligations, and you personally will be saved from sudden outbursts of anger and aggression .:
- Try to avoid overly lengthy and confusing arguments for your refusal. Your every hesitant word good reason for a new stage of manipulation.
- Don't try to redirect your obligations to someone else. Firstly, it is simply impolite and ugly: you will put an outsider in exactly the same position that you yourself are trying to avoid. Secondly, if this person agrees to provide a service, he can do it badly. And all the reproaches will fly to your address, because it was you who advised him as an assistant!
- If you couldn't say "no" right away and asked to wait, don't wait too long. When you say no after a long silence, guilt will bite you and it will be easy for the person to force you to do something. Moreover, making you wait for a long period of time is impolite. After all, the interlocutor needs quick help!
- In no case do not say phrases like “I will help you later”, “Let me do it next time” ... After all, the next time may come very soon, and you will have to fulfill the promise!
- Finally, the main tip. If you feel that the interlocutor begins to show aggression towards you, it is better to stop the unpleasant conversation, and then think: is it worth it to communicate with a person who does not respect your interests?
Formulas for Success: Proper Failure Technologies
In addition to the tips we have presented, there are carefully designed refusal techniques.
- "Broken Record". It assumes that you will have to repeat your weighty and firm “no” more than once. Sometimes you need to say this irrevocable word several times so that the interlocutor finally stops annoying you. And sometimes it is enough to say the expressions of refusal only three times. And the magic of the number "3" will help you!
- "Rejection with understanding." It can be represented as a mathematical formula. It consists of two parts, which can be predicted by the name: direct rejection + understanding (regret). We have already spoken quite a lot about the refusal, the essence of which is our notorious word “no”. But with “understanding” it is more difficult. Literally and figuratively...
Your proposed interlocutor understanding (regret) should consist of 2 parts: empathy for the person and the expression of their feelings. When empathizing, you must show that you understand the severity of the situation in which the interlocutor has fallen, you are sincerely sorry for him. But when putting into practice the second part of the formula, try to speak openly about your own feelings; say that you are very sorry that you cannot help at this moment and in this particular situation.
Psychologists also recommend that you periodically make notes in a notebook in which you note where, when, why, with whom and in what particular situation you failed to say “no”. Having made such a note, try to think about why it happened, what was your mistake and what could be answered to the interlocutor.
Learn to refuse correctly, while maintaining your interests. healthy selfishness and the right priorities will help avoid the "promise trap".
We all have times in our lives where we just need to say “no”. But for some reason, instead of refusing, we begin to wrinkle and pinch, and in the end we say such a hated for ourselves “okay, I'll try”.
After this, endless worries and remorse begin, because it is often impossible to keep a promise, and you have to come up with more and more new excuses.
What's wrong
What happens to us at the moment when, during a conversation, the heart suddenly stops anxiously, and we do not dare to utter a simple short word, fearing to offend the interlocutor?
“The ability to say “no” is also a certain skill. If there are any problems, and a person cannot refuse, you need to figure it out and understand how this stopper arises, ”says Natalya Olentsova, image maker, head of the Academy of Successful Women.
Often we find ourselves in a situation where it seems that after the rejection they will think badly of us. Hence this self-doubt arises, the fear of seeming rude or unresponsive. But overcoming this problem is easy if you follow certain rules.
View from the outside
Let's try to look at the situation from the outside. Other people seem to find it easy to say “no” to us. It is to such interlocutors that you need to pay attention.
“Look how other people do it. They refuse you, explaining that it is inconvenient for them. But this does not mean at all that they do not want to help you, ”says Natalya Olentsova.
Imagination game
Let's play one simple game. Only now you need to imagine yourself in the place of a person who can easily refuse. We imagine that our character is all right with self-esteem. How would he act in this situation? How would he say no? We boldly reproduce what we have just “heard”.
Secret words
It would also be nice to have our own imaginary dictionary of the very expressions that we are going to refuse. We often get emotional and can either overreact or reluctantly agree. There are clear language that allows you to refuse gracefully.
“I would love to help you, but I can’t. I already have my own plans and things to do. It sounds quite soft and dignified, ”the image maker gives an example.
without haste
We are not in a hurry to answer sharply “no” until we have listened to the interlocutor. You should always watch yourself and be able to take breaks.
“Do not blurt out something right away, but understand what you feel, what you want to do in response to a request,” Natalya advises, “then remember that very worthy woman and refuse with dignity.”
Confident persistence
If we nevertheless decided and were able to refuse, it is likely that we will have to repeat our “no” again. The interlocutor can do all sorts of tricks and come up with new ways to convince us that we should help him. But the second time, as a rule, it is already easier to refuse. The main thing is not to make excuses, but to repeat the secret words firmly and confidently.
Helpful Hints
Turning down another person is always difficult, and many of us make commitments that we would like to avoid.
Sometimes we we agree out of politeness, and sometimes we just don’t know how to refuse a person.
Human nature is such that we want to like b to other people, we want to be kind and pleasant.
In many cases, the inability to say "no" can become a problem because,that we forget about ourselves and our needs, while trying not to hurt someone's feelings.
If you're afraid of rejection most of the time, you're doing yourself a disservice. It's important for you to prioritize. By agreeing to everything, you risk simply burning out.
So how to refuse a person without offending him? Here are some tips how to do it politely and tactfully.
How to learn to say no to people
1. Use the word "No".
Use " Not", "Not this time", but not " I do not think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word "No" has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and precisely sure that there can be no other answer. And you do not need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word "No" until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.
2. Use strong but polite options.
I appreciate your time, but no thanks.
Thank you for thinking of me, but my plate is already full.
No thanks!
Not today, thanks.
Not for me, thanks.
I'm afraid I can't.
I'm not really into yoga/hard rock/computer games, but thanks for asking.
I don't feel like it.
Perhaps I will refuse.
3. Notcunning.
This goes for family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate gimmick all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don't want to go to an event because you've had a tough week and would rather stay home and watch TV, say so. Don't make up a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.
4. Don't keep explaining.
In some cases it is better not to go into details. If you start making excuses too much, it will look like you are lying, or it will allow the person asking you to find workarounds and get you to agree.
5. Don't be afraid to say it twice.
Some people don't respect other people's boundaries or are used to the person giving up if asked again. Don't give in just because someone is too pushy. Smile politely, and say "No" again, even more firmly than the first time.
6. If necessary, say "because."
Research has shown that the word "because" makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, "Sorry, I can't arrange the meeting," try to give a reason to soften the rejection.
7. Smile and shake your head.
You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people on the streets are handing out flyers or trying to get you to sign something.
8. Be persistent.
How to refuse a request
16. Don't delay.
There is no point in making a person wait for an answer if you know the answer will be no. Delaying the response only exacerbates the situation. Don't say "I'll think about it" if you're not going to.
17. You can change your answer.
If you agreed once, it does not mean that you should always do it.
18. Repeat this often.
The devil is not as scary as he is painted. The more you practice, the less intimidating it becomes. Start refusing everything that does not add any value to your life.
19. What a pity!
When you say "I'm sorry, I can't," while it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds rather vague. It's better to say " What a pity, I would like to help, but I already made an appointment with .... I wish you good luck".
20. Desire to please.
We often agree with something that is not of paramount importance, because we do not want people to think badly of us. However, some people will think badly of us anyway, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people think and finally say "No".
21. Get ahead of the request.
When you learn to say no, you will begin to proactively say "No" before the request comes up. If you think that your friend is going to invite you to the wedding, let him know that you are broke.
22. Avoid those who constantly ask for something.
If you know a person who constantly asks for money, never returning it, avoid him, especially when you know that he is just such a period.
23. A harmless lie.
Of course, in most cases you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be creative with the answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, let her know that the doctor forbade you to eat flour if you do not want to offend her. If the grandmother is very persistent, go back to tip number 2.
24. Not now.
You should only use this answer if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you can say that you will look into this matter when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will take up work as soon as you complete your project.
How beautifully and competently to refuse
25. It's not about you, but about me.
Use this phrase if you feel that the idea/person/event is more suitable for someone else, but that someone is not you. You can also say that it doesn't suit you.
26. It's not about me, but about you.
Turn this phrase around and don't be afraid to say a firm "No" if you're sure of it. For example, if you're a vegetarian and don't want to "just a little" try your aunt's meat, say: " Thanks, but you know I'm a vegetarian and will never try this.". Draw the line when you need to and people will respect your choice.
27. Show empathy .
Sometimes all it takes is empathy for the other person. For instance, " I know it's annoying, but I can't, I'm sorry".
28. You don't have to be nice all the time.
Do you need permission to refuse because you don't want to? Consider that you have been given it.
29. State your discomfort.
If a friend asks you to borrow money, say something like: " I don't like borrowing money, I'm sorry".
How to refuse a job
30. I would like to help you.
Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week.".
31. Thank you, but no.
Sometimes, that's all there is to say. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.
32. Use facial expressions and gestures.
Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use body language to show that you are serious, even when you politely refuse.
33. Buy time.
Use this as a last resort or you risk being bombarded with requests later. You're just postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: " let me think about it", "I'll check my schedule and say".
34. I'm flattered, but no thanks.
Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you did not want it.
35. I really shouldn't.
This answer is suitable for when you would like to say "Yes" but feel you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person is likely to respond so that you accept them without any hesitation.
36. For nothing in the world!
This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.
37. I said "No".
This works in the case of children or pushy counselors. Again, be polite but firm.
38. This is not the best option.
This soft way say "No" when, for example, you are asked "Does this neon dress suit me?". Instead of responding abruptly, say that this is not the most best color, and it is worth trying on a blue dress.
39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)
Use this phrase carefully, for example, when someone asks you to work for free or tries to insult you.
40. I know that you were not hoping for this answer.
It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person expects something from you that you cannot do, say "No" and say this phrase.
How to tactfully refuse
