How to get over a breakup with a loved one. How to survive a breakup with a beloved man, with a beloved woman: advice from a psychologist

All people, starting a serious relationship, hope for a long romance with a happy ending. But it doesn't always work out the way we want. It happens that a loved one leaves forever, leaving us with terrible thoughts and disappointment. Some people experience separation from the second half more than once. To cope with sadness and longing for a lost love, one should think positively, since any relationship brings a useful experience, and parting is the beginning of something new, interesting and bright. Therefore, you should always hope for the best and follow some tips that will answer the question of how to survive parting with your loved one.

Necessary steps after a breakup.

• Let the person go. No need to beg the other half to stay and forget all the grievances. If a person decides to leave, then you should come to terms with his decision and let go of the past. Understand his decision, because there is no other way out. The cessation of all attempts to return a loved one and hopes for his return - necessary condition at parting.
• Put an end to the relationship. This is a necessary step, thanks to which a person will soon feel much better. Of course, it can be very difficult to understand that everything is over and will not happen again. If there were numerous problems and misunderstandings in a relationship, then parting will be a salvation for both people. When a little time passes, perhaps both halves will change and meet again with new thoughts and.

• Overcoming intrusive thoughts. How do people cope with a breakup when pessimistic thoughts constantly come into their heads and prevent them from coming to terms with the loss? They torture them and hurt them mentally. No need to try to get rid of such thoughts and fight them. You just need to be more distracted by positive moments and think only about good moments. Finding an activity that helps is the most best solution. As soon as bad thoughts leave, a person will feel better and he will stop suffering.
• Forgive the other half and yourself. The main problem during parting is the appearance of resentment against oneself and the departed person. Perhaps a loved one did a lot of bad things to you and often upset you with their behavior, but there were enough good things too, since the relationship lasted so long. You should remember only the good things about him and forgive his mistakes. But if a person blames himself for parting, then this does not need to be done at all. We are who we are, and we need to accept ourselves completely and completely. If a separation has occurred, then it means that it is necessary, and not, because there are some shortcomings in the character of a person.
• Taking advantage of a breakup. Every breakup has a positive side to it. Any difficult situation is a test for a person, after which he will become stronger and strive for excellence. Also, after parting, there is complete freedom of action. You can go to a cafe at any time, take a walk with friends or just meet interesting people.

How to survive a breakup for a man.

Everyone experiences a breakup differently and everyone has their own special recipe. But still there are some features when parting in men and women. So how do men deal with a breakup? It is not necessary that women suffer more than men when they experience a breakup. It's just that a man shows his feelings in public extremely rarely. constantly proves that the gap for a man is much more difficult and painful than for a girl.

The seemingly self-confident guy becomes defenseless and weak after parting with the young lady. He is very worried about this, although he cannot always show his feelings. Rather, a man prefers to keep everything in himself until one day it pours out with a strong stream. The stress of a breakup can be very long lasting and even dangerous to emotional health. young man. Women after parting can complain about the second half, but men do not have such an opportunity.

As you can see, men only seem strong, insensitive and courageous. In fact, they have very deep and touching feelings that can easily be hurt. It's just that men prefer to hide them and not show them to their half in order to seem more courageous. At the beginning of a relationship, they hope for a happy ending, marriage and the birth of children. But when those dreams are shattered, it hurts a lot. After such a final, a man is afraid to trust a new chosen one.

A man can look quite happy after a breakup. He constantly walks with friends, and is active and fun life. But this does not always fully reflect his true feelings. In a similar way, he tries to overcome longing and bitterness from parting with his beloved. Away from outsiders, the guy secretly hopes for a restoration of relations and constantly reviews joint photos. Therefore, you should not blame a man for his too calm behavior, because inside he still worries, and sometimes more than a girl.

How do women deal with breakups?

It is believed that women are much more sensitive to parting with a loved one. In fact, it is often much easier for a girl to survive this stage. She can arrange a bachelorette party, gathering around her girlfriends. Such support is very good and necessary in such a situation. After spending only a few days on disappointments and tears, the girl can again come to ordinary life. The slogans of girlfriends who claim that the ex-boyfriend did not suit her, that she can be happy again and will help to survive the breakup in a short time.

Of course, there are more difficult situations, especially when a girl has low self-esteem and breaking up exacerbates the situation. Such women are very difficult to experience a breakup and decide that this was their last relationship. The reassurance of her friends may have an effect on them, but, being alone, bad thoughts again visit her head. She blames only herself for everything, attributing all the mistakes in the relationship to her mistakes and. Such mistakes will not lead to a good ending, so you should pull yourself together and start thinking only about positive things.

Men and women experience breakups differently. But still, for each person, such an outcome does not bring joy. All people secretly dream of meeting the only person who will go with him all the way. But hopes are not always crowned with a successful conclusion. It doesn't matter who caused the breakup, and who was more to blame for it. The most important thing in such a situation is positive thinking and the support of friends. It is thanks to this that you can quickly survive the breakup and become a happy person again.

Both girls and men want to know, which is often a problem. After all, suffering because of love is the most acute and it is not so easy to get rid of them. Parting with a loved one, girl or man can be experienced by following our advice.

In the article, psychologists will tell you about how to get over a breakup with someone you love, will give advice on how to do it more efficiently and without suffering. Since it is not always possible to return someone who no longer needs you.

Take a break for something more

In order to survive the separation from your loved one, you need to find strength and emotions stronger than this feeling of suffering. It can be sports, favorite work, hobbies, communication with friends, favorite business. Find something we can go into for a year without paying attention to anything. Since it is after a year that feelings of suffering due to parting with a loved one pass. Find something more than this, the force that will distract you for long time.

Think about life

No matter how hard you try, but if you loved each other, then get over a breakup with a loved one, it will be problematic and for some time, you will be in a state of depression. To get out of this state as soon as possible and start new life filled with happiness and joy, you need to go deeper into your thoughts and depression. Remember that you will need to go back and dive as far as possible into your thoughts and feelings. This will allow you to analyze everything that has happened to you and live the suffering as quickly as possible, realizing it. Find out: when love dies , because, running away from feelings, you will find yourself in a state of depression for a long time, which no one wants.

Find another love

The main thing is not to be disappointed because of unhappy love, as everyone goes through this. The main thing is to continue to love and trust those who love you. To understand how to get over a breakup with someone you love , you need to start loving everyone around you even more, then true and sincere love will find you. When you give love, you receive it a hundredfold.

There's no point in suffering for failed love

If love allowed you to part with your loved one, then you were not suitable for each other, or your love turned out to be a mere attachment at all. So why suffer because of artificial love, which was not. Find true love, then you will understand the difference between infatuation, love and attachment.

Never be upset or suffer if you broke up. So you really do not fit, to each other and between you, there can be no love. Believe me, there will be that person who will love you and you, respectively, too.

Why do you need to do something distracting?

Many people ask how to get over a breakup with someone you love and why for this you need to find something that would distract you. This is necessary so that attachment to a person leaves your life, since this is not love at all. True love will never leave your heart and will not allow any parting. And if you broke up with your loved one, then this is a simple attachment that disappears over time and in order not to suffer, you need to do what you love so that you don’t have enough time even to think about this person.

Just survive the breakup with your loved one

The question itself: how to get over a breakup with someone you love, contains the answer. You just need to experience this feeling of suffering, and for this you need to find something for yourself that can distract you. Someone goes into creativity, someone into business, someone finds the essence of life, and someone is looking for another loved one.

Everyone has their own way, but in another way you will not be able to survive parting with your loved one, especially if you met or even lived together for a long time. If you did not meet for a long time, then the feeling will pass by itself within a few weeks.

The main thing is not to drink alcohol and do not do bad things

Most do not have willpower and character, so they try through alcohol and drugs. This clouds their mind and, accordingly, they ruin their health and life in general. There is no point in destroying yourself because of mere attachment. Try to find at least a drop of strength in yourself and get away from such a fate.

Many people, because of a misunderstanding of what love is, passed away, but if you are strong in spirit, you will survive parting even without suffering if you start acting and continue to love yourself, the world, nature and everything that surrounds you. Find out how to meet online safely, because you will have to look for another loved one in the future who will love you for real and you also.

stay friends

If you are still young and hastily made the decision to leave and are now suffering because of this, then perhaps you made a mistake and you need to at least continue to communicate and be friends. Invite the person to remain friends, then perhaps your feelings will come to an order in time and you will realize that you love each other. The main thing is to actually be friends for now and do not rush to play with feelings.

How do you know it's not love

More than 80% of people cannot understand what love is and because of this, such suffering occurs. If you broke up, then in order to understand whether it was love, do not communicate and do not think about this person for at least 3 months, if feelings remain, then maybe this is love. But if there is no sincerity and reciprocity in the relationship, then there is no point in continuing to meet.

Start loving nature and the creator

To realize how to get over a breakup with someone you love, you need to start loving nature and the creator, this will allow you to keep feelings of love in yourself and direct them to the most important source of love and kindness. When you keep love in your heart even after parting with your beloved, then you will remain happy and there will definitely be that person with whom you will live and meet for a long time, and maybe all your life.

Learn to let go

If a person leaves your life and does not want to be with you anymore, then learn to let go of such people, because you really do not fit each other, and even if you stay together, you will not be loved. Even if a person does not yet have any feelings for you, but wants to be together, he will try to love you until feelings appear in his heart. Look for such people or let them find you, because love is not suffering and not attachment, it is the highest feeling, pleasure and joy that a person who knows how to love sincerely can feel. When you yourself learn to love, then you will no longer have such problems and wrong feelings.

Breaking up a relationship is stressful for both the initiator of the breakup and his partner. An abandoned person is psychologically much harder, because parting is not always expected for him. Instead of falling into a deep depression, in this case it is better to learn from the situation and try to start living again. Do not blame yourself for what happened and constantly remember the departed love. To quickly forget about parting, you can use the advice and recommendations of psychologists.

According to psychologists, the initiator of a breakup leaves one-third of negative emotions for himself. Even if the separation is expected, the second partner still receives psychological trauma. This is especially true for women. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted and what was the status of the initiator of the break - husband, beloved man, first boyfriend, wife or girlfriend. Any person after a breakup will wonder: why am I doing this?

Any pain must be endured.

Tips from psychologists to help you survive parting with your loved one:

• You should not keep everything in yourself, you need to survive the situation. As with an illness, in this case, it is possible to alleviate the symptoms, but it will not be possible to cure quickly. You need to try to distract yourself from sad thoughts. Meet friends, treat yourself to your favorite dishes, listen to music. In order to accept what happened, cope with emotions and come to terms with the fact that the couple broke up, you need to feel all the pain, and then it will become easier with time.
• You need to firmly put an end to the relationship and remove all reminders and “connecting threads”: erase SMS messages, unsubscribe from each other in social networks, put away the partner’s gifts, his things, joint photos. Don't keep the past in the present.
• In the first time after parting, it is better not to communicate at all. If this is not possible, then try to keep the dialogues to a minimum. In about a month, "emotional immunity" is developed.
• If there is a need to throw out your pain, then you can turn to a professional psychologist. For many, it will be easier to talk about the breakup to a loved one or native person- Mom, friend. It is worth going out in public, organizing an evening for the dearest people, who were rarely seen during a stormy romance or during many years of marriage.
• It is more pleasant to experience your pain, loss and separation with your head held high, impeccable styling, manicure and makeup. This is a kind of "armor" from all adversity and the best recipe from any negativity.
• When one source of joy disappears, it is worth switching to something else, something new and interesting. Learn how to bake a cake according to a new recipe, start learning foreign language, go on a long-awaited vacation, help mom with repairs. Do small acts of kindness that will make you feel better. Reconsider plans for the future - after all, they used to be joint. Holidays, meetings with friends, new experiences, a change of profession will be the beginning of a new life.

How to break up with a guy

Common misconceptions when breaking up

It would seem that the relationship is over and the end is put. But many begin to look for the reasons for what happened in themselves. A person is visited by negative thoughts, a feeling of guilt appears.

Most people do typical mistakes when parting:

• Feeling unsaid. Do not write and try to continue a conversation that has long ended. When the answer comes, it gives false hope. A person spends a lot of energy on non-existent ghostly relationships.
• There is no need to wait and hope for the restoration of relations, to search social networks for information about a former partner. It will only cause pain. Leaving an old relationship is the path to a new one. Need to calm down.
• You should not talk about the former all day long and thereby make it even more painful. We must drive away bad thoughts. No need to find out through acquaintances how the ex-partner is doing.

No one can remain calm when they say "I no longer love" or "I love another." Worldly wisdom (“everything is for the better”, “you will have a hundred more of these”, “even Hollywood beauties are thrown”) seem to be nonsense - and I want only one thing: to wake up and understand that everything was in a stupid dream. But days, weeks go by, and you don’t wake up, which means that this is really happening to you. Troubles could be expected from anywhere: they could be fired from work, steal mobile phone in the minibus, get nasty in line. But you could not expect that the closest person would cause pain. At this moment, you feel crushed, because you were not ready for betrayal. And it is not clear what to do next. Psychologists advise - to worry.

How to survive a breakup: childhood experience of loss

According to Freud and other supporters of the psychoanalytic concept, the situation of a break with a loved one always refers our unconscious to the first experience of abandonment - separation from the mother in early childhood. The circumstances could be very different: your mother went to work early or you were in the hospital and they didn’t let her in, or perhaps your parents were too strict. The result is the same - experiencing a break in personal relationships, a girl who experienced a lack of love in her childhood will think: "I guess I'm not worthy of love."

“When Denis told me that he was leaving, I was, of course, shocked,” says Inna (25). But at the same time, she seemed to understand, to justify him. After all, he is so successful, smart, handsome, and I? She graduated from a dubious institute and is far from being a beauty. Of course, I'm not a match for him. Psychologist of the Moscow Service psychological help Vladimir Dmitriev I am sure that a small child who experienced a lack of parental love in childhood (and he always explained the inattention by the fact that he is not worthy), having matured, tries to earn it.

He believes that he must become better in order to be loved. “When I began to analyze our relationship, I realized that I was constantly trying to match Denis, I dreamed of pleasing him. I still didn’t fully understand why he chose me, so I tried to earn his love, ”Inna’s words confirm the theory.

According to Vladimir Dmitriev, the “childish story” that a person carries in himself is very clearly manifested in the experience of a breakup: “Exploring it with a client, we return to the past and find a child living with a feeling of lack of love.”

How to survive a breakup with a guy: someone else's experience

It is not uncommon to hear from a person experiencing a breakup with a loved one that he feels this event as death (of his own, partner or relationship). These feelings have a psychological explanation - indeed, the experience of a breakup often goes through the same stages as the experience of loss. Usually experts distinguish five stages: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, recognition and pain, acceptance and rebirth, and in the final - life after the end of the grief experience. “As a rule, people who are at the third stage of experience turn to a psychologist,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - They feel severe pain and grief that turns into anger. They are angry at themselves, at the departed partner, the injustice of the world. In the fourth stage, mental pain decreases. And parting takes on meaning, meaning in life, its place in the “personal history”. Then the experiencer begins to establish life in a new way, then new events happen and new people appear. While we are in great pain, it is impossible to analyze the situation. But when the pain lets go, it is important to remember that any event, even a very difficult one, can enrich our lives if we look at the incident from the right angle.

“Two years ago, my husband came home from work and said that he had fallen in love and could not help himself,” says Valeria (29). - When I found out that his new passion, born in 1990, experienced a powerful explosion of the most terrible feelings - anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, pity for myself and for our child. Throughout the year, I remembered ex-husband only with curses, now I am grateful to him - for a wonderful son and for meeting with an amazing man, which would not have taken place if my husband had not left me. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that during the rethinking of what happened, we create a personal story with our own hands. The same event, such as a breakup, can be perceived differently different people: as part of a success story ("thank you for three years of happiness, for a child, for the opportunity to meet love") or as part of a victim story ("I'm always abandoned", "all men are the same").

How long does it take to get over a breakup

As a rule, it takes about a year to recover from a broken relationship. During this time, you need to live alone all the significant dates for the couple (anniversary of the first meeting, declarations of love). Vladimir Dmitriev believes that some aggravating circumstances of parting can increase the duration of the experience. If the familiar world collapses (for example, the spouses were together for a very long time or the woman found out about the man's double life), then the experience is stretched in time. But if both partners understand that the relationship has exhausted itself, openly talk about their feelings, thank each other and peacefully disperse, then the experience is relatively painless. This does not mean that an amicable, wise parting does not leave a trace in the human soul at all. Also, this does not mean that people who are able to part peacefully are robots without a heart. It’s just that a man and a woman in this case will experience bright sadness, and not exhausting pain, depriving them of strength and desire to live on.

“Most false gentleman men don’t want to initiate a breakup,” says Masha (26). - Instead of breaking up with an unloved girlfriend themselves, they do everything to make the relationship unbearable for the girl. So it was with me - Dima stopped paying attention to me, he came late, and I plucked up the courage and voiced his desire: "Let's part." There were no scandals, just sat down and discussed everything. It was important to talk about us with him, and not to rub personal problems with friends. It turned out to hear some words that were terribly insulting and painful, but very useful (I later realized this). In my opinion, I survived the breakup much faster than many of my friends.

"I'm ugly" and other feelings

Most girls (70%) blame themselves for what happened after the breakup. They ask the emptiness again and again: what did I do wrong? for what? what do i need to fix? did you have to behave/dress/have sex differently? After parting, a lot of energy is spent on analyzing their own behavior and giving themselves unsatisfactory marks.

“Now it’s even embarrassing to remember what I thought about myself after my husband left me,” shares Polina (28). - When self-flagellation went off scale (I got to the point that I considered one of the reasons for his departure to be the lack of smoothness of my legs), it was as if the brake light inside worked. Then I was able to stop and remember that even men left completely ideal women, actresses and photo models. It’s funny, but the thought made me feel better.”

Guilt always accompanies the experience of loss, whether it be death or loss. loved one. You need to remember that this is normal, and at the same time try to find at least anger or anger in your soul. After all, if you can already feel them, then the denouement is quite close. In the process of experiencing, you are faced with the fact that a variety of emotions live inside you, most of them are unsightly, but they are necessary in order to learn a lesson from what is happening, and therefore insure yourself against meeting the same rake.

Psychological advice: how to survive a breakup

What words do we hear from friends and relatives who are trying to support us? Of course, “don't worry”, “forget it”. By the way, this is the worst thing you can do. Psychologists recommend to worry.

“Whether the experience of a gap becomes a shackle that does not allow moving forward, or a treasure, largely depends on how we survive it,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - Sometimes the pain due to the loss of trust (for example, in the case of betrayal) or broken hopes is so strong that you want to forget everything, just erase what happened from memory. But more often than not, we can’t get over a breakup precisely because we’re trying to forget it.” Well-meaning friends advise returning gifts, changing hairstyles, or getting married as soon as possible. new novel. And some of us listen to others, others to ourselves. The latter are correct.

“At first I wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of Oleg and even dyed my hair blonde,” says Irena (22). - I went through not myself with bleached hair for exactly one day and returned the natural color. Good thing I didn't delete the photos from my computer. It's part of my life! A few months later, she was able to remember our joint trips with a smile, and not with tears in her eyes. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that “survive” and “forget” are fundamentally different strategies. Forgetting interferes with experience. It's like trying to treat an illness with painkillers. Anesthesia can be useful only at the very beginning. Then it deprives you not so much of pain as of the opportunity to overcome the disease.

“I hate myself crying and have never allowed myself to cry, even in front of my friends. Probably, dad, who raised me strictly, like a boy, did his job, says Varya (23). - When the young man with whom we lived together for four years left me, she did not shed a tear. I was terribly ill, but I thought that crying was humiliating. At the fourth meeting with a psychologist, I finally began to cry and sobbed for half an hour. And then things got off the ground."

The process of experience is also interfered with by illusions. We deceive ourselves by saying: “Yes, I don’t need him, I’m not offended at all, I’ll go to a corporate party with another, let him see ...” Fantasies pass, they are replaced by one another, but real emotions exist, even if you want to forget about them. Don't let yourself experience them. The fact is that trapped feelings will still come out - in the form of depression or health problems. “Emotions are a huge force,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “If we break contact with them, this force becomes uncontrollable and we have to “tame” it with the help of a psychologist.” 7 unhealthy ways to get over a breakup.

Psychotherapists like to ask clients: what happens if the leg of the table breaks? The correct answer is: if there is only one leg, it will cease to be a table. If there are many legs, it will remain the same. Therefore, the more important and beloved things, people in life, the higher the stability in any crisis situation, including during the experience of a break.

According to the Moscow psychological assistance service:

• People rarely make an appointment with a psychologist directly about a breakup (300 cases per 20,000 visits), but often, in the first minutes of the appointment, clients who have applied for depression or chronic fatigue begin to talk about the experience of separation.

• A few years ago, almost only women dealt with the difficulties of experiencing parting, last years increasingly for professional help men apply.

Alena Legostaeva
Fotobank(1)