Addressing "you" according to the rules of speech etiquette.

It is not always clear at what point in communication it is already possible to switch to “you”. Is it okay to talk to a peer you don't know? What about the boss? And how to react when a familiar person suddenly begins to communicate with you familiarly? The Village asked experts to answer these questions.

Elena Zaretskaya

Head of the Department of Social and Humanitarian Disciplines of the RANEPA, expert in the field of business communications

In a decent society, it is customary to address “you” even to schoolchildren older than the fifth grade, not to mention students. At the same time, students, of course, can communicate with each other on “you”. After 28–30 years, the appeal to “you” in the business sphere should be completely forgotten. It is impolite if the boss refers to "you" to his subordinates.

According to strict classical etiquette, it is correct to switch to “you” with a man after bed. Although, if you and your young man went through some difficult situation together, you can switch to “you” quickly enough.

In Russia, in this regard, a poorly educated society, since neither at school nor at home people are taught etiquette. Therefore, at some point, the familiar style of communication spread to all segments of the population. And in the days of the USSR, people were much more polite.

If a stranger or unfamiliar person says to you, for example: “Listen, Valya,” you need to look at him with amazement and correct: “Listen, Valentina.” And in the voice should not sound resentment, namely amazement, then you can put the person in his place. You should not ask a person why he addresses you this way, you need to correct him, as a first grader is corrected. If you are not ready to go on "you" with someone who offers it, just answer that you would not like this for now, but make a reservation that this is possible in the future. You can add that your relationship is on this moment not as trustworthy as to be possible. Any person deserves respect, and referring to "you" is one of the manifestations of such respect.

Sergey Klyuchnikov

psychologist, director of the Sergey Klyuchnikov Center for Practical Psychology

The issues of transition from "you" to "you" is a matter of reducing the boundaries between people. “You” is an official address, emphasizing respect, indicating that there is a certain distance between people, for example, age, human or related to the fact that people do not know each other. The transition to "you" means that this distance has decreased or disappeared. It happens that people say “you” to each other almost immediately, but more often it is inherent in the youth environment in informal situations. When people communicate at work, it is assumed that you need to refer to "you". If a person addresses you on a business matter and begins with "you" - this is a serious display of impoliteness, which makes it difficult to resolve issues. The transition to "you" marks the establishment of an informal relationship, and in a business environment it is acceptable for very young people or for grassroots employees.

If we are talking on the phone or a stranger is in front of us, it is customary to emphasize respect through “you”. People cross this line by trying to see if trust has been established. At some point, a person says: “Come on“ you ”. Will be simpler". This can also happen at the most official level. We know that presidents different countries communicate with each other on "you" after some time of communication. There are times when the transition happens spontaneously: for example, when sympathy arises between a man and a woman.

Sometimes people switch to "you" in violation of ethics. This can happen if they are not very well brought up or they have the illusion that the other person is already ready, when in reality this is not the case. A person may be emotionally driven and may believe that such a transition will facilitate the solution of complex business issues.

Sometimes the interlocutor can support this transition, but internally he will be uncomfortable. There are times when a person begins to say “you”, and another reminds him: “We haven’t drunk on brotherhood yet.” In this case, the one who violated the boundary will have to take a step back in communication and start from scratch. But the ball will no longer be on his side: the advantage will go to those who refused him.

If you are not sure that the transition to “you” is one hundred percent correct, it is better to ask a question, hint, make an offer: “Let's address each other to “you”, do you mind?” If the other person does not mind, everything will happen naturally. If the interlocutor continues to turn to "you", do not be offended: everyone has the right to a communicative distance.

Illustration: Dasha Chertanova

The features inherent in a person in his speech and writing to other people largely characterize common culture this person. They are in close connection with the image that he creates in the eyes of others, and therefore affect their attitude towards him. Therefore, one of the most important issues is the ability to correctly use the pronouns "you" and "you" in a conversation with various interlocutors and in the preparation of letters and other documents.

The first "registry" of polite words and expressions

It is known that in Russia for the first time polite forms the appeals were set out in a kind of textbook that appeared in 1717. This book, which was compiled with the personal participation of Peter I, was called "Youth's honest mirror, or Indications for everyday behavior" and was intended mainly for young Russians.

Around the same period, the sovereign, who was inculcating a European form of behavior in the country, put into use the appeal to “you”, which he borrowed from a series foreign languages. In former times in plural addressed a person only if they wanted to give the words a special meaning. Saying "you" seemed to imply that this person alone is worth many. Such treatment contained a special courtesy.

In 1722, Peter I had a "Table of Ranks" ─ a document that determines the correspondence between military and civilian and divided them into 14 classes. It, among other things, indicated how to address the head of a particular rank. The forms varied depending on his position in the ranks, but in all cases a plural form was required, such as "Your Excellency" or "Your Grace".

"Distorted Politeness"

It is curious to note that the appeal to “you”, so familiar to us today, took root in the Russian language, overcoming the resistance that sometimes came from representatives of the most progressive circles of the domestic intelligentsia. To verify this, it is enough to open dictionary V. I. Dahl, compiled in the middle of the XIX century. In it, an outstanding Russian writer and lexicographer characterizes the appeal to "you" as a distorted form of politeness.

Moreover, in one of his articles, he criticizes those teachers who consider it appropriate and even necessary to say “you” to their students instead of forcing them to refer to themselves as “you”. Now such a position can only cause a smile, but a century and a half ago it found numerous supporters.

Politics invading the everyday lexicon

Soon after February Revolution By decree of the Provisional Government, estates and ranks were abolished. Gone are the previously established forms of addressing their representatives. Along with them, the former words “sir” and “madame” fell out of use, which after the October revolution gave way to the generally accepted ones in Soviet time"citizen", "citizen" or asexual ─ "comrade", addressed to both men and women. However, the appeal to "you" has been preserved, becoming one of the basic rules of modern speech etiquette.

In what cases is it customary to say "you" when addressing an interlocutor?

According to generally accepted norms of behavior, this is done primarily in official situations: at work, in various institutions and public places. At the same time, it is appropriate to say "you" in the following situations:

1. When the dialogue is conducted with an unfamiliar or generally unfamiliar person.
2. If the interlocutors are familiar, but are in official relations, for example, work colleagues, students and teachers, subordinates and their bosses.
3. In cases where you have to contact a person older in age or in a leadership position.
4. And, finally, to officials, as well as to the attendants of shops, restaurants, hotels and other institutions of this kind.

It should always be remembered that the appeal to "you" to to a stranger is the norm, established by the elementary rules of conduct.

In what cases is it acceptable to address "you"?

In certain, mostly informal situations, the rules of speech etiquette allow the appeal to "you". It can be appropriate both at work when communicating with colleagues outside the sphere of official activity, and at home or on vacation. This form of address can serve as an expression of friendly relations between the interlocutors, and emphasize the informal nature of this conversation. However, in order not to get into an awkward position, it should be borne in mind that saying "you" is only permissible:

1. Closely familiar person with whom you had to communicate earlier, and with whom you can neglect the more stringent official requirements in handling.
2. Adults in conversation with children or adolescents.
3. In an informal setting, to a junior or equal in official position.
4. In conversations between children and parents, modern tradition allows the use of "you" by both sides.
5. In the youth and children's environment between peers, even if they do not know each other.

According to the generally accepted rules of speech etiquette, it is absolutely unacceptable to address the “you” of a younger person (both by age and by social or official position) to an older one. In addition, a sign of bad manners and bad taste is the manner of saying “you” to employees from among the service personnel of institutions.

The nuances of communication between managers and their employees

An important component of the rules of conduct in society is the regulation of the use of "you" and "you" in the appeal of the boss to the subordinate. Without going beyond the bounds of decency, the leader can only say “you” to his employee if he has the opportunity to answer him in a similar way. This usually happens when they are established between them. Otherwise, addressing a subordinate to “you” will be a gross violation of speech etiquette.

Establishing an informal form of address

The generally accepted norms of decency, meanwhile, provide for the transition of partners from “you” to “you”. However, it is possible only in those cases when an appropriate type of relationship is established between them, which makes it possible to replace a formal address in a conversation with a warmer and more friendly one. As a rule, this indicates that the previously neutral-restrained attitude towards each other has given way to a certain rapprochement.

It should be noted that the generally accepted norms of behavior provide for a certain period of time necessary for the appeal to “you” established at the time of acquaintance to give way to a more open and friendly “you”. Its duration depends entirely on personal qualities interlocutors and external circumstances.

It is important to subtly capture the moment at which it is possible to offer a partner to switch to “you” in a conversation, since in the event of a mistake and his refusal, an awkward situation will inevitably arise. Therefore, in order to change the form of address, it is necessary to feel the desire of your interlocutor. A unilateral transition to “you” in a conversation is absolutely unacceptable, since it will inevitably be regarded as disrespect for a partner and neglect shown towards him.

When the informal "you" gives way to a more strict "you"

The speech etiquette of the Russian language also provides for the transition from the friendly "you" to the more official "you", although in Everyday life this occurs infrequently. Nevertheless, it is possible in cases where relations between the interlocutors have deteriorated and have taken on a purely official character. This can happen as a result of a quarrel or any serious disagreement.

Sometimes the appeal to “you” may be the result of the fact that the conversation is official and takes place in the presence of strangers, in which the interlocutors, who usually say “you” to each other, are forced to observe common etiquette. AT this case“you” addressed to each other do not indicate a change interpersonal relationships but only about the specifics of a particular situation. For example, teachers in the presence of students, as a rule, communicate with each other on "you", although, left alone, under the right conditions, they can easily afford an informal "you".

The rule of writing

All of the above rules of etiquette must be observed in cases where communication takes place not verbally, but in writing. At the same time, the pronouns yours and you with a capital letter are a form of polite appeal to only one specific addressee. If a letter or other document is addressed to several persons, then the plural pronoun should be written with a lowercase (small) letter. Capitalizing "you" when referring to multiple people is a mistake.

Older people should be addressed with "you", because they have more life experience, and such an address is a sign of respect for them. Also, “you” is used to refer to those who are higher in position or rank, which allows you to create strong business relationship. There are other cases of such treatment, which will be discussed below.

It is customary to communicate on “you” in society between people of the same age, social and business status. Wherein important point is that the interlocutors should know each other well, that is, be on friendly terms. You should correctly determine the moment at which you can switch to “you” in communication with a person. It usually comes when you feel that it is easy for you to communicate with the interlocutor, you always find mutual language don't feel embarrassed. Please note that in accordance with the rules of etiquette, during communication between a man and a woman, it is the latter who should be the initiator of the transition to “you”. Thus, she shows her trust in a man and a desire to make communication closer.

Ways to transition to "you"

Before moving on to personal communication, ask the person for permission to do this, for example, “Let me go to“ you ”?”. If the formal phase has dragged on for a long time, and you feel in this person your soul mate, you can say it easier, for example, “come on“ you ”?”. At the same time, first think carefully about whether the interlocutor will be against this. Even if you feel comfortable in the conversation, he may also feel some awkwardness. Try to recognize his emotions and understand their attitude towards you.

There is no exact opinion as to when it is best to switch to “you”. In some cases, this requires communicating with a person for days or even months in an official tone, while in others, the transition is made in the first minutes of the conversation. Most likely, you yourself will feel this moment intuitively.

If you doubt that it is worth switching to "you", do not rush to do it. In Russia, it is customary to address everyone with "you" strangers. If you make a mistake and switch to a familiar tone of communication too abruptly, you run the risk of showing rudeness to your interlocutor. It may seem to him that by doing this you want to demonstrate your superiority over him or show neglect. Therefore, further communication may no longer work out properly.

If you chose a stunning outfit for your first date and booked a table at the best restaurant in the city, this does not guarantee that everything will go smoothly. In order not to lose face, remember the elementary rules of behavior. Which ones, tells etiquette teacher and business protocol Tatyana Nikolaeva.

1. When it comes to a date, the suggestion to switch to "you" should come from a man, although in ordinary life it has the right to initiate only the senior in etiquette. And the eldest is always the woman. how this rule works in everyday life: if we are talking about a girl and an elderly lady, then it is the latter who has the right to offer to switch to “you”. If we are talking about a man and a woman (let’s say they are neighbors), then only the woman offers to switch to “you”. But, as I said, this rule works differently in romantic situations.

2. In no case should a man be late for a meeting. A woman in this matter can afford some liberties and come a little later than the appointed time, but no more than 15 minutes.

3. An invitation to a date should only come from a man. The only thing a lady can afford is to slightly push a potential gentleman to a date. But at the same time, she must organize everything so that he does not even suspect her of this.

4. No need to call a woman on a first date in a restaurant, especially in an expensive and pretentious one. You can embarrass her with such a gesture. The best option is a walk, a joint visit to the exhibition. You should have time to socialize and get to know each other better. Food distracts from such things.

5. Offering a lady to split the bill is indecent. But, alas, no one is safe from such things, so there should always be funds in a woman's handbag so that, if necessary, you yourself can pay your part of the check.

6. If a man still made a date in a restaurant, you don’t need to show off and order the most expensive dishes for yourself, stick to the golden mean in this matter.

7. The gentleman, of course, can give the lady flowers. But at the same time, you need to consider where the first date will take place. If you are going to sit in a restaurant, the bouquet will not give your companion any trouble. When it comes to a walk or a joint visit to the exhibition, it is better to abandon this idea. Especially if you originally planned to capture the imagination of a woman and give her a hundred roses. It is most appropriate in such situations to present a bouquet at the end of a date or at the beginning, provided that you have called for a girl, because she will have the opportunity to leave your present at home. I also want to tell the ladies that there is nothing wrong with your gentleman coming without flowers.

8. A man is not required to pick up a woman before a date. Still, it’s not the 19th century in the yard, when a lady could not appear alone in a public place.

9. If you already answer calls and SMS during a date, keep it short and to the point. If the question is not particularly urgent, then completely wait with the answer or give it when the lady comes out to powder her nose. The same rule applies to women.

10. There are a number of so-called "explosive" topics that are best avoided on a first date: politics, religion, sports (if you support different teams), bad news (such as terrorist attacks), past relationships, questions about marriage (marriage), etc. e. On the other hand, questions about marital status are quite appropriate. Build a conversation as if you were walking along thin ice: first we feel with the foot and only then we step.

11. During parting, a well-mannered man should say when he next calls. But not just “let's call”, but to specify, for example, “I will call tomorrow evening”. I note that, according to etiquette, a woman should not call the gentleman herself, no matter how much she wants to.

12. After a date, a man must either personally escort the lady to the door of her house, or call a taxi. At the same time, ask her to call you when she gets there, or call yourself to make sure everything is in order. A taxi, like all other expenses (according to the rules of etiquette), must be paid by a man. No one has canceled this, despite any feminism.

13. If during the date you realized that you are not suitable for each other, you need to bring the evening to its logical conclusion. And the next day, call or, if you do not have the courage, write SMS. At the same time, use phrases that will not offend a person. "You don't suit me" is not the most a good option. Better "thank you, but I realized that you deserve a better man" or "we different people I don't think we're going to get anything."