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Diversify family celebration and a corporate event will be helped by horoscopes drawn up in a playful handicap. With such entertainment you can give good mood to all those present and make a “good forecast” for the coming year.
It so happened that modern man very superstitious. In pursuit of a good life, prosperity, a respected position and family happiness, he often relies on the "will of the stars" and magic. And it's not bad at all!
Psychologically setting yourself up for good changes in, it is quite possible to achieve victories in everyday life! The main thing is to believe and make an effort. A comic horoscope, unlike the usual one, is composed in a humorous form.
Such an astrological forecast can be in prose or in verse. Poems, by the way, are more easily and positively perceived by people at an event, at any feast and at any holiday.
The humorous feature gently hint about the shortcomings of a certain zodiac sign and "generously predict" good changes in the coming or coming year. Such "instruction" will surely make every guest present smile and leave him pleasant memories.
IMPORTANT: A comic horoscope, as a rule, is compiled on the basis of a real one created by astrologers. But, it is written in a more understandable language, in simple terms and supplemented with wishes.
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Aries men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
As they say, Aries is "still that sheep." And it has its share undeniable truth! In the coming year, Aries will face a number of unpredictable situations that can put the “curls” to a standstill. Be careful, do not rest your horns on difficulties and try to overcome them! Excessive stubbornness is unlikely to help you achieve your desired goals. In the year of the Rat, Aries should relax a little and let go of the situation, as they say, “downstream”. This will allow not only to relax, but to put any business in such a way that it will end with your benefit!
For women:
If the Aries man is a "ram", then the woman is a "Baroness". And it's not just a play on words! In the new year 2020, sheep women will be especially attractive and irresistible. Many of them will get woman's happiness”, thanks to the perseverance and fury with which they will strive to achieve what they want. In addition, if you have Aries women, have any acting abilities, the horoscope wants you to pretend to be stupid from time to time for the sake of all the same good goals!
In verse:
Aries is a sign of "stubbornness" and arrogance,
Every little thing infuriates them!
To make life "sweet"
On holiday, drink without a trace!
Aries need a lot of space
So that the house is not crowded,
At work, in the garage
And of course in the shower!
New Year meets Aries
With open mind:
Let the barn be full
In the bins of oats with grass!
Horoscope wishes Aries
Be calm and gentle
So that the soul is calm
Life was more fun!
Happy New Year to Aries
Will surely come to the house
A new broom of bad weather
Sweep and take away!
Comic New Year's horoscope 2020 for women and men of Aries: poems Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Taurus men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Taurus in the new year, like the stubborn Aries, should a little "relax and slow down." It is the excessive tension and the desire to help everyone, everywhere and always, that destroys the restless bulls and heifers, preventing them from getting the desired maximum from life. In the year of the Rat, Taurus will be especially vulnerable to difficulties and problems that arise, both on the love and professional fronts. In order for any outcome of the case to be positive and kind, do not hesitate to ask for help from loved ones. At the moment when life “shows a red rag” to Taurus, you should not accelerate and run to bright color, but tightly close your eyes and just let "things take their course." And without you, Taurus, others will figure it out perfectly!
For women:
Taurus women in the new year need to be be especially careful with spoken words and expressed emotions. The fact is that the year of the Rat will allow the ladies of this Zodiac to be, so to speak, excited and mentally not very balanced. To avoid problems in relationships and at work, you need to "keep in check" your attacks of jealousy, rage and the desire to help everyone!
In verse:
Taurus of calm and peace
Wishing you a good horoscope
So that life is easy and beautiful,
Problems "were not reduced to the coffin."
More Taurus this year
Wish the horoscope of good
So that under the window there was a Porsche,
So that under the mattress there is a lump of dough!
To Taurus on this New Year
Love and inspiration will come
Fate will bring good luck
Calm, serenity!
Taurus is strong and powerful
And in the new year our horoscope
Wishing you only the best life
May you be incredibly lucky!
In the New Year's horoscope
And Taurus has a prediction:
Those who are single and free
Find recognition in love!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Gemini men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Gemini is a special sign. Gathered in this sign put together some of the best qualities of a person: curiosity, prudence, wisdom, a thirst for knowledge and development. Along with this, in the new 2020, they should protect themselves from talkativeness, boasting and tediousness. The horoscope advises Gemini to read, write, think more, but not to speak out loud, otherwise the sign risks losing a number of important people in life. If you can't talk about a new event, talk to a mirror or write !
For women:
There will be no Gemini women in 2020 some special emotional outbursts, changes and fateful events. The Year of the Rat promises to be “merry” and full of pleasant little things: a new fur coat, a ring, a meeting with an old friend, who has also gained a lot of weight over the past few years. Just live, as they say, "for yourself" and please your loved ones. Avoid gossip, and bite your tongue yourself if you want to retell the news you heard!
In verse:
Gemini, you are nonsense,
Refrain from sin!
Be quieter and wiser
To make life better!
The horoscope wishes you
Good-natured Gemini,
Eat more, listen more
Don't talk nonsense!
New Year for Gemini:
Dear ladies and men
Promises to be good.
Clap your hands loudly!
To have a lot of happiness
Gemini in the year dear
This one will be without barriers
No problems, adversity, loss!
Gemini let this year
Have fun and frolic.
May fate bring them
Lots of joy and happiness!
A comic horoscope in verse and prose for Cancer men and women for the new year 2019-2020
For men:
For Cancer men, the year of the Rat promises small, but very nice change in life. Firstly, this is prosperity, it will “flow into your hands” slowly, but very confidently. Secondly, you run the risk of meeting “your soul mate” in this world if you haven’t done so yet. “Crawl out of the shell” more often, don’t be afraid to communicate with people, don’t close yourself from loved ones and 2020 will be very interesting!
For women:
Cancer women finally have a chance in 2020 feel needed, important, loved. The main thing is not to lose calmness, self-confidence and harmony between soul and body. Speaking about the body, it is worth noting that in the year of the Rat, Cancers will experience an incredible emotional upsurge and any illness, as well as depression will not “hook” and spoil your mood.
In verse:
Cancer, lucky you!
This year is lucky for you!
The horoscope wishes you
Be desirable and beautiful!
In this year, Cancers need to know in general:
Wealth is not hidden in chests and not in money.
Wealth is hidden in the soul, in relatives, in friends,
They will help at the right time and will not let the abyss!
Cancerians will be incredibly lucky in 2020!
They will find peace, wealth and love.
They will meet happiness on the way more than once!
There will be joy, food and wine in abundance!
Cancers can have fun
Loudly sing, joke, dance.
In the new year, happiness rushes to them,
To hug all Cancers!
Happy Holidays, Cancers!
New Year promises you everything:
Lots of happiness and reasons to cry
Only from joy and trifles!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Leo men and women for the new year 2019-2020
For men:
By their very appearance, male lions inspire fear and respect for all other signs of the zodiac. They have the same attitude towards life: they let someone close, they “sharpen their claws” about others. The new year 2020 for Lviv will be very successful and lucky. The Year of the Rat will completely obey Leo and bring him a lot of pleasant emotions!
For women:
Lioness women, like men, will be lucky in literally everything in 2020: they will climb the “career ladder”, meet a worthy man, gain health and be incredibly attractive. The Year of the Rat will bring a lot of profit to the “fatal pussies”, both in terms of “booty”, and a new fur coat, boots, beads and earrings!
In verse:
2020 will be easy
Be bright and happy!
He will bring health to the lions,
Inspiration and strength!
Lions will be pleasantly surprised
A good year is coming for them!
In it they "get drunk with happiness",
“Luck will enter the house” to them.
Fate promises all Lions and Lionesses
Good luck drinking this year
"Catch a star", have luck,
And all victories without exception!
Lions, as the rulers of the world,
Year wishes to be happy!
To keep the house full
So that the soul was calm!
Horoscope wishes Lionesses
Be real queens
And the Lions of great wealth,
So that life is simple and “smooth”!
Predictions for Lviv Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Virgo men and women for the new year 2019-2020
For men:
As you know, Virgo men are real "daffodils". That is why in 2020, the horoscope predicts many difficulties for them, primarily with the fact that they are not able to "understand and love their neighbor." The Year of the Rat promises to be not easy, and in order to achieve the desired results, the Virgo will have to, as they say, “press the gas” and make every effort.
For women:
Virgo women in 2020 will feel like real queens! Of course, all the grace will not just fall on them from heaven, and in order to please yourself with excellent results in the professional or personal field, you will need hard work and faith in yourself. Virgos should also begin to limit themselves in everything in 2019-2020: in sweets, gentlemen, spoken words. This will help you gain the respect and recognition of others.
In verse:
Horoscope wishes Virgo
Big and small victories!
Enter the new year boldly
He will protect you from harm!
Seductive Virgo-beauties
New Year will bring only joy!
Let life be the way you like it
It will turn into sweetness for you!
Wise and beautiful Virgos
New Year wishes boldly
Be successful in everything
And there were no troubles!
Virgo - the sign of the zodiac,
Happy New Year!
So that goodness surrounds
So that love does not disappear!
Smile, Virgo, wider,
You are the happiest person in the world!
You are not more beautiful in this world
And all over our whole planet!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Libra men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
In the new year 2020, Gemini men should pay time not only for self-development, but also for your appearance. Therefore, do not hesitate to get a subscription to the gym, spa area or sauna. Being beautiful is not a sin! In addition, try to always be closer to your family, do not be shy to be a bore and intrusive, just show your interest in what is happening.
For women:
In the year of the Rat, Libra women will "fly in the clouds." That is why they often will not be in time always and everywhere. In order for your affairs to go well and end with the desired outcome, you should stock up on perseverance and “beat yourself on the cheeks” all the time in order to return to reality. In the new year, be sure to devote a lot of time to your beauty and health, take care of your loved ones.
In verse:
Smile all men
If there is Libra nearby.
These women are beautiful
Dream come true!
New Year will give Libra
Lots of reasons to be happy.
He will leave under the tree
Gifts, kisses and hugs!
Scales of great adventure
Add a new year to life
So that grief does not happen,
He will bring you good luck!
The stars have now decided:
In a fabulous new year
Libra as a gift will be strength,
Warmth, love, family comfort!
Libra has big changes
The chances are so great
All the best will happen without a doubt
Life will be bright and easy!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Scorpio men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Scorpio men will have to really try keep your thoughts and emotions in harmony with your body. This "poisonous" zodiac sign will be especially vulnerable and excited in 2019-2020. That is why you should refrain from scandals, quarrels and divorces. On the other hand, the year is very successful for “shoveling in” money, and therefore it is best to direct your energy to improving your financial condition.
For women:
Like men, Scorpio women in 2019-2020 will be real "hysterics". Ladies should be very skillful at hiding their real emotions and feelings so as not to spoil relations with everyone around them. The year promises a lot of romantic and love meetings, which in turn does not interfere with the existing marriage of Scorpio.
In verse:
Scorpions are good
Lots of money and soul!
Horoscope broadcasts to the sign
Just cry from happiness!
In the year 2020 to all Scorpions,
Lots of changes are coming:
In work, relationships and at home.
Try to avoid problems!
Scorpions urgently need
Lots of bright changes.
Horoscope wishes friendship
Solve your problems!
For life to be successful
Scorpions, try.
Horoscope wishes: gently
You smile at problems!
2020 is knocking on your door
His time has now come.
Now good things will happen
Happy New Year with Scorpio!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Sagittarius men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Sagittarius men in the new year "at risk" of being lucky and happy, for this they have every chance. The main thing is not to lose luck on the way to happiness. In the professional and personal spheres, everything will be very smooth and quite “even” - without losses and disappointments. Smile more around the world and everything will be fine!
For women:
Sagittarius women in the new year must“Catch luck by the tail”, and then hide it at home and not let it out. If the ladies make an effort in the year of the Rat, they will surely gain recognition, find true love and climb the career ladder high, high.
In verse:
"Let Sagittarians live well" -
Advise astrological forecast.
Let them rest in body and soul,
Let them not shed hot tears in vain!
Heaven wishes the Sagittarius man
Be a real protector of the ladies.
Let life not hit the face with a glove,
Give way to dreams and deeds!
May Sagittarius dreams come true
Let wishes come true!
Sagittarius astrologers wish beauty,
Good luck, joy, love charm!
Sagittarians are the favorites of luck,
Let it be so and not otherwise!
And the new year will give in the winter
They happiness and love happy!
The stars predicted joy
All Sagittarius as a gift.
Life will be like sweetness for them,
Cheerful every day and bright!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Capricorn men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Capricorn men in the new year should finally understand what they want in their life: love, family or a big career leap. Unfortunately, it will not work to get everything at once, and therefore all your forces should be directed in one direction only. The year is successful for the search for oneself, muse and space. However, if you “fly too far, you risk losing touch with reality, that is, ruining relationships with others.
For women:
Capricorn women will become real muses for their men, admirers and admirers. The year promises ladies to be filled with beauty, harmony and purity. Each representative of this zodiac sign “risks” falling in love quite by accident and very deeply. AT financial plan, Capricorns will be quite vulnerable and wasteful.
In verse:
In the year 2020 Capricorn
The stars want to be themselves
Along the paths of life
Walk with a happy fate!
Lucky for all Capricorns
Goodness comes to them in the house
Happy new year,
There will be no trouble!
Good luck and prosperity are knocking,
In the houses of all Capricorns in the new year.
Let a good fairy tale happen
Dreams won't be sweet dreams!
Astrologers wish you harmony,
Find strength and love within yourself.
The year of Capricorn promises to be calm,
And feelings will excite the blood!
Capricorns are incredibly lucky
The year will be pleasant and happy.
Men's pockets will be full
Well, the women are beautiful!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Aquarius men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
New Year for Aquarius men will be very calm and measured. Practically, no event can disturb the peace of mind of men and prevent them from achieving their desired goals. In the personal life of Aquarius, there is an abundance of romantic meetings, tender feelings, and only pleasant changes.
For women:
Women of this zodiac sign are quite frivolous but at the same time romantic and dreamy. The Year of the Rat promises them an abundance of love adventures and only positive changes. But, along with this, one should not “drown in the abyss of one’s dreams” so as not to lose touch with reality.
In verse:
Aquarius will feel
Have fun, wait and believe
What in their life is like in a fairy tale
Happiness will knock on the door!
For Aquarius, the new year is a favorite holiday,
He gives them the warmth of native people.
Astrologers promise you only joy,
Luck - it will come to you just at the door!
Astrological predictions
Wish Aquarius to be wiser,
Make decisions with a smile in your heart
May your dreams come true soon!
Aquarius horoscope wishes
Many bright, love joys,
So that love does not fade away in the soul,
And the soul was light as snow!
Comic horoscope in verse and prose for Pisces men and women for 2019-2020
For men:
Pisces men all year of the Rat will "sail calmly go with the flow” and float past problems, failures and disappointments. This year, the strong half of humanity will definitely meet “their fish” and find family happiness. In the year of the Rat, don't expect any strong "career ups", but this is far from bad.
For women:
The main thing for Pisces women in the year of the Rat is not to look stupid and don't create a negative impression of yourself. Be active and cheerful, laugh in the face of failures and problems. In personal life, the year promises positive changes, for example, a new lover or a marriage proposal!
In verse:
Let Pisces sail to their luck
Happy new colorful year!
Let difficult tasks be solved
And life will not throw Pisces into a frying pan!
Pisces are very quiet
Pisces love silence.
Happy New Year to Pisces
Horoscope "to catch a dream"!
So that Pisces would have fun and be joyful,
Astrologers foretell them:
Relax, eat sweets,
The stars foreshadow love for you!
Video: "Comic Horoscope for 2020 for friends"
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I stumbled upon SUCH A FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF… AND THERE IS A LOT OF COINCIDENCE…?!
LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE YOU WILL SEE THIS AMAZING?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as a charming, energetic personality, endowed with charisma, a born leader and revolutionary. He quickly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that this is an overbearing, self-centered twat, interested only in himself and having an exorbitantly inflated self-importance.
In Aries, Mars endows a person with courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as short temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life on full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are not lucky and you fall under his feet, then you will fully experience for yourself what an annoyed Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even rush with his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, for no apparent reason, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all, he is afraid of being branded as ignoble!
He is stung by a condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take revenge painfully. Although by nature not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason for a long time, he simply reacts to irritants, he first acts, and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think ...
Not one iota of humility, he will never admit his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a flurry of screams and insults will fall upon you, if you prove you are right, you will be offended like a child and go to pout in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do this, they are more attracted to moving objects ... They especially love cars.
What is characteristic, in love they are disinterested ...
TAURUS. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eaters, frugal homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of managing the World.
But in real life you have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with a weight problem.
At the word Taurus or a bull, in the imagination of people, an image of a large animal appears, peacefully chewing grass, blinking with satisfaction with its large shiny eyes. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears ... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves on his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever of the Taurus you communicate with, whether it be a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His fury is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will regret in an instant that bullfighting has been canceled in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw, at least a little, but protrudes forward, they subconsciously tilt their heads and look at you frowningly., just like a bull before an attack ....
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, and it is she who endows him with insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always scarce, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not in full measure ... They are emotional, but not intellectual, they take hard work and diligence from childhood. They do not know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they have learned something, then it is for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or leave it halfway ... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist ... They love to sit at all sorts of meetings, meetings, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them ... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, therefore neither logic nor reasonable arguments act on them. If you start arguing with him, then you will have the feeling that you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. A great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature, prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to their weight, and therefore sometimes they allow themselves sharp antics, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late ... Usually very good parents, but they love to pamper their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Gemini are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a mass of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to the Gemini is like getting a job in a crazy house, surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but crafty, cunning and resourceful, more talkers than philosophers. They think fast and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, get to know all the celebrities around.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where the famous public gathers and talks about the high .... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, a swift god with wings on his sandals! He carries them with lightning speed from one place to another, and the element air is impermanence itself.
Gemini cannot be persuaded, they are very stubborn, but they give out their stubbornness for the breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but, as it were, glide over the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, new persons attract them with freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly fascinated, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but they can be comforted in a quarter of an hour, seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have a great sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and start copying her, because they have two faces, they are constantly changing ...
Envy, a passion for gossip and intrigue, a constant change of mood and point of view ... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they are able to deliver especially much suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios ... But they fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more deserving than they are ... just these victims were caught in the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction, such as good music, a declaration of love, poetry, a walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of Home, Private Life. Satisfying astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, caring and completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery, manipulative creatures and demand, in turn, absolute loyalty from loved ones.
All water signs are sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is the champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily, the mood of Cancers is ebb and flow, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can calmly get nasty, insult and very often ready for treason, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is able to joke, laugh and get angry or offended and cry at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine ...
He has several points of view on the same question and all, by the way, are true, he does not hold stubbornness, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even startle, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers do not argue, they are offended ...
Weepy.
Making Cancer look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he lost, do not hold out your hands to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves junk, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a little visionary in the eyes of other people, excellent parents, but dubious partners ... especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and others often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely seen 
s in society, usually they are quiet mothers of families or middle-class officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer got a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole how to illegally make himself an increase in salary. They love to work where it smells like money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Lions are people proud, confident, fun-loving, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely these books were written by an astrologer - Leo. 
In fact, Lions crave to always be in the spotlight, powerful fanatics of their own "I", whose infantilism and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to dispose of others.
The Sun controls Leo, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers himself the center around which everyone must revolve. Of course, they crave explicit worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider him to be the main thing in everything.
Lions are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky or sly quiet with self-respect.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for some time, but do not be deceived, there are no shy and shy Lions in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them sullen, and when they lose contact with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially with age, believing that their whole life is a vale of suffering. In fact, they roar inflict suffering on others, not at all embarrassed by this. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they plague them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will stop, stare at you and go into the shadows, contemplate the next attack.
Lions make the most devoted sissies. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it all their lives.
From Lionesses, fanatical mothers are obtained, with great pleasure poisoning the life of daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully depict Virgo as modest, practical, sweet, logical, picky and meticulous. 
However, looking closely, you will find a restless, fussy, petty, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments of a critic and a hypocrite.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules the restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Gemini, but they are too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors, and dispense unsolicited advice with the dignity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they are completely oblivious to their own character, which is by no means pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All the fantasies and dreams of the Virgo have an absolutely practical purpose, the Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that she just got a bigger piece the other day.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even in Horns and Hooves, and calmly have her own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, whatever, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they do not tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to drag chestnuts out of the fire with the wrong hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; for herself, she has long calculated dividends.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything affects the Virgin oppressively.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by their appearance, they are always neatly dressed and combed. Men often marry very late or even remain bachelors, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men are happy to do housework.
This sign both in the Zodiac and in life embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they argue that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strive for peace, that they have been looking for truth, beauty and a perfect life partner all their lives.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, there are lovers of pampering themselves, the Beloved, people who indulge only their whims in everything, their hearing is tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and grandeur in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that she endows a person with an endless thirst for improvement. They need to become the first, they are never satisfied, either with themselves or with a partner.
As one of the dominant cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal affront.
They get angry even if you just switch the TV to another channel.
In the representation of Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective, not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness, because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras always have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women, this is either weight, or height, or not too smooth skin, for men it’s even worse, even a beautiful wife will not help him stop being tormented by suffering about the fact that someone else can be better ...
Marrying and marrying Libra only by calculation, if the calculation turns out to be incorrect, they often do not have the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nit-picking, sometimes destroying him as a person.
In their hearts they are cowardly and shouting is enough for them, but they are offended for life ... Geniuses in love and very often start romances with married and married people, because to beat someone off, what could be more pleasant? You can not ask them for a loan ... they will not give it. In raising children, they are complete ignoramuses, sometimes pampering, sometimes demanding impossible obedience, as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always naughty and spiky in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people, they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of death, sex, and other people's possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate being, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift to be reborn and rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix.
But he would be better compared to Dracula rising from a coffin.
These are people obsessed with obsessive ideas, very secretive, prone to assault subjects who feed their pride on the humiliation of others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from seething poisonous emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed survival instinct in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio, only he himself can hit him. What Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives his life happily, usually his unbridled fantasy and instinct of the owner push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But notice, no one, but only he himself, does himself a dirty trick.
His favorite game in life is the Inquisition Bonfire, If you die you're innocent, if you stay alive you're guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones, as a rule, their marriages are not durable, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everything in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are naturally endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant self-admiration.
They have such a developed intuition that they see people on 
through. Very believing. Perhaps the most faithful of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you, Scorpios are very vengeful, they don’t forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late for them. As a rule, they are very quick-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a grand gesture, but here 
they will ask for something in return.
Their motto is: All or nothing!
If they get divorced, then by all means they try to annoy the former and with great reluctance pay alimony.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world is always not enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, merry, honest people having a philosophical view of life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a bawler and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is controlled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his wards with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their breadth of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm so much from the first meeting that this person is immediately remembered and immediately put forward somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a trifle for Sagittarius, but he will often not work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the presidium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time to enlighten humanity, mired in ignorance.
They do not know how to act subtly, they need everything to be done immediately.
They neigh very loudly or smile lusciously, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides a restrained rage, and what a rage!
Because they have to suppress their anger, there are many violent criminals among them.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They are born in the dark season, when the days are the shortest and the nights are the longest and their soul is often twilight, they suffer from bouts of melancholy, they want to constantly fiesta.
Favorite entertainment is the circus, they love loud music, so there are so many artists, singers, musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. Flaw sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and in their families they have frequent conflicts, while they happen, yell, and then they can calmly make peace and talk in an hour as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, fickle.
Easily change in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start proving your point of view, then your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy. 
to be protected and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be one more child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to nurse someone, they plow their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them to go to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home after work to the children, it may well go and listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, even though she doesn't have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: the head of the house, combatants, a fireman, a stewardess, a Moscow-Vladivostok carriage conductor - what could be more pleasant?
Magnanimous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his imperiousness, pomposity, these people squeeze the Civil Code in one hand, and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-like. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then they brought their weak-willed husbands to the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their flock. Although the fish tail in his sign indicates a wet and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely seen, they are not sugary sentimental like Pisces.
The manifestation of emotions is considered not decent, but they are hot natures.
More than anything, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to reach their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and it is tiring to listen to them, they do not have a flight of thought and fantasy, like Pisces and Gemini, they have everything naked truth. They also lack a sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack immediacy. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It's time, it's time to start a family, I'm already an adult (th)
Namely, they think about the family, not about love.
In pretty young age achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to rejoice, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if it doesn’t exist, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness, he has an excuse for all the moaning of his partner: I'm busy! Money for Capricorn is an end in itself.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health, chronic centenarians.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications, He certainly was a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, then it is likely that your phone will ring at night, Capricorn decided to offer you a counterargument ...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he is more likely to seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell the first person he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
Bring confusion and confusion, the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he does it. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has a desire to drink, or smoke ... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets, Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden change and revolution. Saturn is the planet of dogma and repression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarius people are aloof, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when we save up money, when I retire... And life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away, they usually hang in their closet for years until they go out of fashion.
Often they are very perceptive and well versed in people, but their trouble is that they can never understand themselves ... Marriages with them fall apart easily, like skittles ... But they are never alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired …
By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, nervous breakdowns. Therefore, if you got Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which has absorbed the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to self-contemplation, sensitively capturing the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals ... 
Scrape the gilding off them and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is controlled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and he endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate each action through the prism of their prejudices, which break any truth.
This makes Pisces champions among the losers, but they endure all hardships easily, for the sole reason that, not knowing how to get out of the situation, they put up with it, and the course itself endures them. 
They are not fighters, they don't lay down their weapons, they don't even know how to pick them up!
This makes them remarkably resilient, only far removed from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and the unwillingness to take risks, bends them to the ground and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is huge.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are too lazy ...
Ambition is a trait not known to them at all, they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital on this.
But Neptune is the god of the sea, so Pisces is quick-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and they start talking, as if nothing had happened, they have a great sense of humor, but sometimes it's a cruel satire.
All Pisces first speak and then think.
But they are certainly interesting people, and what taste, style and charm they have often makes you reconcile and digest their unbearable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-tempered, they talk about themselves, not noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including offenders, many take this for courage, and this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
According to eastern horoscope, 2018 a year will pass under the auspices of the yellow dog. Comic horoscope for 2018 will tell you what to expect different signs zodiac from animal.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Aries
It’s time for all Aries to put work aside and say to themselves: “Hi, rest!”. These guys worked hard in the year of the Rooster, it would be time to take a break and devote themselves to other areas of activity. Put yourself in order, powder your nose, take your soulmate by the arm - and look for adventure ahead. Fortunately, as the comic horoscope for 2018 predicts, the yellow Dog is ready to forgive you everything.
Attention! Do not forget about relatives and friends, they also need your attention - not all the time to spend in a stuffy office and with boring colleagues.
Definitely, next year Aries is the center of the Universe, the world is spinning around you. But be careful with fans: there is a risk that someone will want to steal your heart for a long time. Do not try to dive into feelings with your head, the Dog will not help the drowning, so stay vigilant.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Taurus
Taurus, ready to lose your head? As the comic horoscope 2018 predicts according to the signs of the zodiac, the year of the Dog is preparing something breathtaking for you, hide your horns quickly, otherwise you can scare the animal. It's time to leave your slowness for later and get used to the frantic pace so that the desired results of your scams do not have to wait long.
Millions of praises and flattering words will sound to the representatives of the sign, no criticism, only one charm. What can we say about luck, she will keep Taurus on hand for the next year and accompany her at all important events.
Dreamed of eternal mutual love? And here! The dog has already managed to prepare for Taurus a meeting with their other half. Looking forward to the sweet taste of the future of 2018? It would be time!
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Gemini
The comic horoscope for 2018 according to the signs claims that it is time to gather all the will and strength into a fist and start changing your life. Hey Gemini, stop lying on the couch and waiting for something to change, get up quickly and get rid of all unnecessary junk and bad thoughts. The dog has prepared many good opportunities for self-realization for the representatives of the sign. Tune in more positively, change is just around the corner.
If you think about something for a long time, you can get into the soup, as happened in the story with the rooster. Don't waste your time, more action, less talk. And the Dog for good efforts will help the Gemini to know the taste of real bliss. And if love is for a long time, no more five-minute loves in public transport, under the auspices of the Dog only in the registry office.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for suspicious Cancers
Cancers were too mysterious and depressing, and the Dog came to change everything. Successes, new opportunities will go into the claws themselves, it remains to grab them tightly and not let go. After all, the yellow Dog does not give everything just like that, so it's time for representatives of the sign to break stereotypes and change life principles, after all, the 21st century is in the yard.
Persistent and obedient Cancers, according to the comic horoscope for 2018, the Dog has prepared a sweet surprise in relationships. Tired of being alone? Be ready to meet that very person of yours who will beautifully enter your life and share your interests. Do not bite, otherwise you will scare everyone around you.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Lviv
Whatever the Lions do, things don't go well? And all because, according to the comic horoscope, in 2018 it is worth discarding your excessive pride, and then the yellow Dog will reward the representatives of the sign with worthy fruits. Popularity, excessive attention and many fans will fall on the shoulders of the Lions like snow on their heads. However, this is not a novelty for Lions, because they are used to bathing in the rays of glory.
With their chic and lush mane, Lions will conquer more than one lonely heart, the prey itself will go into the clutches of the king of beasts. It’s just worth reconsidering your relationship with loved ones, your wild ardor and pride are unlikely to please them, and the yellow Dog also does not like selfish people.
Comic horoscope for Virgo
Virgo in 2018, a comic horoscope recommends that you discard your mask of an unfortunate victim, otherwise the Dog may simply bypass you. From January itself, take matters into your own hands and begin to work fruitfully both on yourself and on your well-being, because it is this month that will decide the outcome of the whole coming year. The dog will reward the diligent Virgins with all the blessings and boundless happiness.
But in love it is worth observing complete appeasement: there will be no end to the fans, the main thing is to choose a worthy candidate for a further joint future.
Comic horoscope for Libra
In 2018, it's time for the representatives of the sign to forget about their own impulsiveness, but watch their speech. Inadvertently spoken words addressed to superiors, work employees or loved ones can have a bad effect on your reputation, and the Dog will not be able to pull you out of the fog of reproaches.
The dog advises listening to what Libra is saying. Not always good words sound sincere, be on the lookout. Communicate only with those who pull you forward, and not to a deep dark bottom. And stop weighing everything so carefully, otherwise you will be left with nothing, while your neighbor is already buying a new car.
Joking horoscope for Scorpios
A comic horoscope for 2018 for all signs promises Scorpios incredible wealth, love and good luck, if the representatives of the sign stop stinging everyone. Energy will flow like a river, inspiring Scorpios to new deeds and crazy deeds. These guys will pursue their desired career growth at any cost, even if they have to put their sting out.
Carefully! Don't mess with Scorpions!
It is time for the representatives of the sign to melt their selfish heart and show sensitivity, because without this the Dog will not be able to help preserve harmony in his personal life. Forget about narcissism, otherwise the patroness of the year may accidentally forget about you.
Comic horoscope for Sagittarius
What reward can Sagittarius expect in 2018? Of course, "Advisor of the Year", because the wisdom of these guys just rolls over. They are ready to help anyone, for which the Dog certainly will not remain indifferent to the representatives of the sign. However, while helping others, do not forget about yourself. Someone else's problems are someone else's, but it's time to worry about your own too.
Success in the financial sector is inevitable, you can safely change jobs and scatter banknotes left and right - but carefully. Parties, unbridled fun and a sea of entertainment awaits Sagittarius, just do not forget about sleep: with bags under your eyes, you may not notice the love of your life walking somewhere nearby.
Comic horoscope for Capricorns
In 2018, direct your horns towards your goals: great success is near and any obstacles can be jumped over.
Forget about longing and boredom, the Dog has something to please the representatives of the sign - this is success both in finance and in personal life.
Cupid is already aiming right at your heart and will shoot it in 2018, Capricorns will drown in the ocean of love and attention, what else is needed for happiness? These guys know how to love and deserve love for ages. Even if not, do not worry, any relationship is also an experience.
Comic horoscope for Aquarius
Someone who, and these guys know how to spill water. And in 2018 they will be ready to pour out a stream of their endless ideas and creative impulses to the general public, and all thanks to the Dog with its inspiration for the representatives of the sign. It is better to move on to action and direct the stream of water in the right direction, then the result will be appropriate.
The eastern patroness prepares for Aquarius and surprises in her personal life. A waterfall of love and passion will cover the representatives of the water element with their heads, just remember to breathe so as not to lose your mind. And stop being so jealous, it's time to learn to trust your soulmate.
Comic horoscope for Pisces
2018 is the most favorable year for Pisces to finally leave their usual aquarium and move to other expanses of water. After all, how long can you sit in one place, swim around the bush, boldly swim forward and swim faster to your goals, and the yellow Dog only accompanies these actions.
All sea treasures will be yours as soon as you decide to go out into the world and conquer others. But for single Pisces, the next 2018 is just perfect for dizzying novels, it is possible that they will be long-term. Be prepared, Cupid will not miss.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for schoolchildren and children
A comic horoscope for children for 2018 has prepared something very special - homework, of course, not the same as school, but also important. All representatives of the children of the signs of the zodiac should be more active both in school life and out of class. Then good marks will flow like water, and sweets will be not only on holidays.
Get creative and improve school processes, automatic spreading of cheat sheets or a new cheating technique will also work. But at the same time, study, study, study - and praise will fall on your young shoulders, and there, look, gold medals are close. Be careful, otherwise you will have to wash the floor and dust the classroom all year long.
Comic horoscope in verse for 2018
Comic horoscope in verse for 2018 with Aries, let's start
These guys don't care
When Taurus Can Rest
And select only the best.
And with Gemini you will never get bored,
They are the soul of the company always.
Cancers will spend a year without adversity,
Love will devote time all the way.
And the Lions with their beautiful word
Ready to conquer anyone.
Happiness will knock on the Virgo's house,
The dog with good news will rush.
Many wonderful hours await
In the year of the Dog of the wise Libra.
Scorpions better hide their sting
To not annoy Fortune.
And it's time for Sagittarius to forget
About despondency and life.
Note to Capricorns:
Do not swear incessantly.
Aquarians act bolder
Happy chance catch faster.
But the Pisces will
A year to live without sorrows and resentment.
funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".
Gemini is a careless bastard.
She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and don’t let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.
Scorpio is a top notch bastard.
A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.
Sagittarius is a bastard.
A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a stupid bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".
It is hardly possible now to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But funny characterization signs of the zodiac may well interest even the most seasoned skeptics. Reading playful horoscopes can pass the time, have fun in the company and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, quite helps in this interesting matter.
Aries
All the cool characteristics of the signs of the zodiac agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.
Aries hates everyday routine, but will be happy to spin around and give out their innovative ideas incessantly. It is almost impossible to force him to do what he does not want. But there is one little trick. Tell the other person to do it better. At this point, Aries will break into a cake to prove his leadership and superiority.
The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the ridiculous characteristics of the signs of the zodiac. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is a ram in Africa, going right through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - it acts instantly, assertively and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his courtship. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.
Taurus
Here it is, a worthy competitor of Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac. Moreover, to enviable perseverance is attached as a "bonus" and fierce conservatism. Try to get Taurus to throw out something from outdated household trash and you will understand this. Whether it's a damaged disc, a notebook left over from school days, or torn sneakers, it doesn't matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus is a terrible bore: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.
Representatives of this constellation are closed personalities. It's easier to talk to a wall than to a Taurus. At least by tapping on it, you will hear a rumble. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.
Taurus's attitude to love is the same as to things - the more money and time he spent seeking you, the more valuable you will be for him. And do not expect originality in courtship - Taurus's conservatism extends to amorous affairs.
Twins
They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people that will advocate "for any kipish, except for a hunger strike." As noted by the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, by date of birth and character, these personalities fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have a whole company of winds walking in their heads.
Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Gemini themselves. For many hours they can not be silent, completely ignoring the reaction of others. It seems that even at his own commemoration, the Twin will rise from the coffin and tell the guests lying in a swoon an anecdote appropriate for the topic.
The laziness of these personalities is as legendary as their conversational skills. Because of the unwillingness to delve into some topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help you earn a million instantly and without unnecessary gestures. Oh yes, Gemini needs a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chirp on the phone.
Cancer
The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if outwardly they look like a stale loaf, a brutal dork or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.
A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers with their animal namesakes. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a neat step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what is on the other person's mind.
It is undesirable to joke frankly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is the strictest taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and a tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. It is also worth joking about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.
a lion
The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he is locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, a funny description highlights the royalty of this person, which, it seems, no trouble can bring down the arrogance of.
What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his relatives, because he needs an appeal worthy of status. In his opinion, those around him should already be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is able to outshine everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.
However, sometimes in the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around him, it may not be what he would like to get into. What can you do, such is the power of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your surroundings? Listen to the manner of speaking: the use of the pronoun "I" by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, agree?
Virgo
The true confirmation that appearances can be deceiving is the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that at the word "maiden" the imagination draws us a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature that sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers, who make up the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, disagree with this view. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are "a little" different. Instead of a sensitive friend who has supported since hard times, a comrade-in-arms in all endeavors, Virgo can easily turn out to be ... serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics say that most maniacs were born under this sign of the zodiac (and what else can you expect from such neat and clean people?).
Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and be always emphatically polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. You won't even have time to blink an eye, and she's already sitting on right hand from the director. But the object of his love will never show sympathy until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will patiently wait: suddenly something will change.
Scales
Whatever the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, over the years and months, they all accurately determine one thing: this sign fully justifies its name. Libra people are constantly in search of spiritual balance, and therefore do not pay attention to the material world at all. Let someone else deal with everyday problems, whether it's cooking, washing or cleaning, and Libra has more sublime things to do.
People of this sign are always thrown in different directions. Quickly fired up with a new idea, they will throw all available resources into implementing it. They will connect a lot of people and create an event of a national scale, but in the middle of the road they will get bored with all this. They quietly retire, leaving others to rake the mess they have made.
The inconstancy of Libra extends to love affairs. Moreover, for them this state is so familiar that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by conscience. After all, they do not at all attempt to destroy the family, and so, they started an affair. Therefore, they are worthy of forgiveness.
Scorpion
These are real poisonous infections. Ridiculous characterizations of the signs of the zodiac in poetry and prose sing of their ability to break the hearts of anyone who comes within sight. Thank you for this natural charm Scorpions and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and each time "to the grave." The object of attention will immediately be put before this fact. It is unlikely to get away from the original courtship of Scorpio, and you don’t want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or beloved).
Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then, no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with principled obstinacy. And let it be necessary to destroy everything that gets in the way - this will not stop Scorpio. But to build new world after the chaos, he will be just as enthusiastic.
Sagittarius
People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goal, even if it does not happen immediately. A funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac advises you to look at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only now, if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and diligence, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the shot arrows exactly to the bullseye.
By nature, Sagittarians are real benefactors. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is "who but me?". This is great for employers. Well, what, Sagittarius will not mind if he is loaded with a bunch of work. It is only necessary to hint that it is very important for the company that everything is done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.
But do not openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. Remind you of all the misunderstandings from kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily express the truth in person, risking getting in their own face.
Capricorn
This is a man-pendulum that always balances between two extremes, as the funny characterization of the signs of the zodiac claims. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He rushes headlong into work, as if into a whirlpool, and it will be simply unrealistic to pull him out. He will spend all his mental and physical strength even on a deliberately impossible task. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will give himself up to this occupation completely, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. You can save him from a sad fate only if you manage to divert attention to something more interesting.
Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is already convinced that all around are creeping bastards who have come to success over their heads or through the bed, then even if you hit him on the head, you won’t change your mind anyway.
Aquarius
Verbiage splashes out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting conversationalist, it is Gemini. Perhaps it is still possible to argue who will talk to whom in the end.
Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, meeting the dawn. Get ready to conquer the ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to follow the dictates of the heart. If it suggests that you should be together, wait for her on the threshold with suitcases.
What do Aquarians value the most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not grieve in his cozy little world.
Fish
If anyone is able to create an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. And for them, the world of fantasy will be as real as our usual one. They will easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.
Ask this person for anything - water the flowers in your absence, write a diploma for you - he will certainly break into a cake, but he will fulfill the request. Such an altruist was born, nothing can be done. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious, and will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. "Vanilla" is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or about her). So if you are ready to take a Fish in love with you and lead it under your elbow in the right direction (and then push it forward with kicks all your life) - go for it.
