There is no understanding with my mother. The main mistakes that mother and daughter make towards each other Communication with mother is lack of mutual understanding

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asks: Irina

Hello, I am 19 years old, studying at the institute. And I have problems with my mother in a relationship. As a child, I was raised by my grandparents, my mother did not live with us and did not come very often, now I have been living with her for 3 years and she always says that I love my dad more (they are divorced) , and now I tried to answer her question why? it happened, and I said that it was because as a child you were not next to me, and dad was nearby. To that she replied that it was all for me and she was making money, so she couldn’t be, and dad wasn’t especially provided. However, I clearly remember how she did not stay the night with me on my birthday, although I asked, but left, and that I cried when she did not answer my calls, because she thought that something had happened, also when I lived with my grandmother, I have a very strict and angry grandfather who often beat me and my grandmother too. The whole family says that I should be grateful to them for everything they do, but I don’t think that it’s all for me, I think that it was possible to take care of a child and earn money. Now everyone thinks that I am a bad person and do not like my family, that I am rude and not grateful. Help me decide what to do in this situation, I am completely dependent on my mother.

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Psychologist-consultant

Psychologist-consultant. Trainer. Wife. Love people. I work until I get results. My profession is a psychologist. From my personal experience, I know what it means to see when something goes wrong, but not understand how to change it. I had to search a lot to find answers to questions. I learned the techniques and figured out how life traps work. Because, at first, she herself thundered into them, and it was necessary to look for a way out. As a result, I became a specialist who helps to get out of them. I know that it takes a lot of effort and time, and I understand how to achieve results as efficiently as possible.

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Irina, hello!

It seems to me that you are in a difficult situation - you are angry with your relatives, but at the same time you are forced to accept help from them. In any case, you are entitled to any feelings. Unfortunately, at the moment they prevent you from living comfortably. There are two options - to separate and try to live an independent life. And then you will be free to demonstrate the feelings that you have. This option has a plus and a minus: you will be able to gain independence, freedom and the right to self-expression, this will not solve the problem of relationships with relatives. The second option is to find a specialist (psychologist) and work through the problem. This will help you, first of all, to get rid of that great tension that has now accumulated inside you, as well as build relationships with relatives that would be more resourceful for you.

In order to pay for the services of a specialist, there are also several ways: find a free specialist (there are such ones - they are beginners and they need to practice, ask relatives for money, earn money themselves). The most ambiguous is to ask relatives for money, because. it turns out that at first for their own money you will say unpleasant things about them. But you also have the right to do so.

Good luck to you, and warmth in the family!

Psychologist-consultant; clinical psychologist

psychologist-consultant, life coach, candidate of psychological sciences specialization: individual psychological counseling focused on problem solving; personality-oriented integral psychotherapy (post-traumatic stress disorders, addictions, existential problems, neuroses and neurosis-like disorders, disorders and deviations in gender and age development); life coaching (effective life strategy, self-development, career management)

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Hello Irina!

You are 19 years old, and you position yourself as a person who is completely dependent on your mother. This is a serious problem. At 19, regardless of whether your relationship with your mother, grandfather and mother is currently bad or good, and how satisfied you all are with the way events in your life and relationships with each other have developed, it is time for you to move from the position an offended, eternally suffering child who has not received love and affection, who intends to devote his whole life to punishing his parents, demonstrating to them his helplessness and lack of independence, to the position of an adult woman who will have to build her own family in the coming years, build a professional career, and raise her children herself . To endlessly cherish and cherish their grievances accumulated since childhood, and constantly sort through in memory the volumes of accusations sorted into shelves - grandfather is bad, grandmother is bad, mother is bad; constantly indulging in self-pity is not the way to create a harmonious family in which you, your husband and your children will be fine, but an almost guaranteed choice of repeating your family scenario .... there is definitely a high probability that you will choose a husband, most likely a tough one , most likely from a problematic family, possibly prone to violence, with which you will have problems financially and in relationships that will allow you to suffer, accumulate resentment towards him in the same way as it happens now in relation to your mother, grandfather and grandmother.

Do you need it, to suffer yourself and blame your loved ones, mom? Or do you want to live a happy life, avoiding the mistakes that your loved ones made as much as possible?

In order to increase the chances of creating your own happy and harmonious family, you need to thank your mother, grandfather and grandmother for everything they could give you, accept that they gave you everything they could. If it seems to you that this was not enough, that more could have been given, then this is a problem that cannot be solved by insults and accusations, because in the past no one is able to change anything. And the only thing you can do is to add to each volume of accusations and insults against your mother, grandfather and grandmother, all the positive things that each of them did for you. And since you are not writing from a social shelter, not from places of detention ... write that you live at home with your mother, who fully provides for you, giving you the opportunity to fully concentrate on your studies, and do not sink and drink in bad company, not having your own corner, - means something good for you, each of your loved ones has done and continues to do, providing you with good starting conditions for building your own life.

What to do in this situation?

1. let go of your grievances, accepting the past as it was, with all the pluses and minuses

2. accept that everything, your loved ones did everything they could towards you, thank them for this and do not blame them for not being able to give more than they gave, not being able to fully meet your expectations and hopes, because your expectations were higher than the possibilities

3. let go of your doubts about yourself - you are not at all doomed to be a helpless, unloved, rejected woman, doomed to depend on loved ones all your life, and if you want, you can live an independent life and build your own happy family, if you set yourself such a goal and all efforts will be directed towards its achievement, subject to the obligatory condition of fulfilling paragraphs. 1and 2.

4. As a first important step towards gaining independence, you need to think about whether you can find a job in the near future without interrupting your studies that will allow you to earn money and at least partially feel financially independent from loved ones ... if you look around, then you will surely see that most of your classmates have their own incomes, which provide greater freedom and independence ... solve this problem - and you will receive not only greater independence, but also the respect of your loved ones for the perfect adult act of a responsible person who deserves respect, not pity

5. as a second step - think about whether it's time to find for yourself that area of ​​​​interest, plunging into which you can completely switch from childhood memories and experiencing current problems in relations with your mother to something else that is interesting for you, where you are Can you expand your social circle and build your own relationships? it may be something related to the choice of a profession, with interests and hobbies, but the main thing is where you could concentrate and live only your own, new and real. Agree that in the process of playing volleyball, dancing or rafting with new partners and friends, it will be easier for you to solve your problems of separation and growing up than in constant showdowns with your mother, grandmother and grandfather.

Best regards, Eugene

Psychologist, medical psychologist, sexologist

Psychologist, psychologist-sexologist. I work with such requests as: - low self-esteem, self-doubt, feeling of inferiority; - communication difficulties, loneliness; - Difficulties in parent-child relationships, in personal life; - search for oneself, difficulties in self-determination (Who am I? What am I? What do I want?); - personality and age crises; - depression, depressive states; - apathy, fatigue, prolonged stress; - Anxiety, fears, phobias, panic attacks; - psychological support in various difficult life situations.

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Hello Irina.
Irina, it's time for you to separate from your mother, to separate emotionally.
Choose a specialist, and together with a psychologist, you should work out the feelings that you have towards your parents and other relatives. Otherwise, these unprocessed feelings may surface throughout life and prevent you from building healthy relationships in your family when you start to create it.
I will be glad to help you.
Sincerely, Julia.

Good afternoon!
My mother is 67 years old. I am 43 years old, my daughter is 13 years old. We all live in the same apartment. My mom's husband is dead and I'm divorced. The problem in my relationship with my mother: This has been happening for many years: my mother does not take into account my interests, does not respect my opinion, brushes aside my advice. But if strangers tell her the same thing, she agrees with them and does as they advised. Although before that I told her the same thing. If I watch a movie on a computer, she may come up, stop the movie and sit down to play a computer game. Completely disregarding my interests. I made comments to her, tried to discuss the situation - she only gets very offended, pouts at me and can not talk to me for weeks. Accuses of ingratitude and selfishness, etc. He only says “she could have let me play - just think, go drink tea ...”. Almost every time he rearranges and alters for me, no matter what I do around the house. And if our mutual acquaintances come to visit, she begins to belittle me in front of them: to condemn.
Help with advice: I'm already at a loss in understanding this situation - maybe I really am such a pig ... Or is old age playing a cruel joke on my mother. I am an adult self-sufficient woman, everyone respects me at work. And at home I'm like a Cinderella. You try hard, but you're still not happy...
I would be grateful for any answer to my question.

Hello Alena! I sympathize with the fact that you have to live with your mother in the same territory. When this happens, there is a confusion of roles between relatives, family psychological counseling helps to slightly mitigate such a situation, where, with the help of a psychologist, relatives learn to see where they are confused and make claims to the wrong person, what they are really angry at, what manifests their selfishness and, in general, what selfishness is - this is when one person forces another person to do in different ways what that person does not want to do. When we analyze situations, it sometimes turns out that in front of other people one of the family members humiliates another because he is really worried about him, but he has no experience in expressing his experience in a direct way, and then we teach these people to speak direct messages . It is difficult to comment on your situation, as there is not enough information. I recommend that you contact a family psychologist individually or, if mother and daughter agree, with the whole family.

Isaeva Irina, psychologist Moscow

Hello Alena!

The confusion of not being able to build a relationship with a loved one is not easy to experience, especially if this continues for many years.

Your resentment towards your mother is also quite understandable, especially when any conversations aimed at clarifying relations are ignored. “If I watch a movie on a computer, she can come up, stop the movie and sit down to play a computer game. Completely disregarding my interests."

“I’m an adult self-sufficient woman, everyone respects me at work,” it wouldn’t be bad to start with this.

I must say that the acceptance of a mother, her attitude to the world, is not so simple, but possible. Although it's not a matter of five minutes. You may have a completely different view of the world, a different attitude to life. Not rejecting the mother, not teaching or making claims, but simply accepting her with all her shortcomings. Doing it from the head is not easy.

It is necessary to work out grievances, claims and take a mature position: “I remain myself at any moment. I can always work on my attitude towards others. Once upon a time, my mother was the main thing for me, but now I am an individual and have the right to do as I see fit. I am independent, but at the same time I realize that I have my mother nearby and I can rely on her in difficult moments of my life.

At different stages of development from adolescence to old age, there are various processes of identification with the mother, the mature position of the daughter, or both sides - the most reasonable solution, which creates new ways for women to respond.

Until the very end of life, we can make claims to the mother and shift the responsibility for our own shortcomings onto her. But will this be a mature position?

It may be difficult to change things all at once, but to do so, personal therapy and counseling can help unravel the many complications between mother and daughter. Therapy can help in understanding the fate of one's own mother, a certain respect is developed for the continuity of women's experiences, the realization that this is not due to the mother's malicious intent, but due to the absence of a different model of behavior. And each of us, no matter what her relationship with her mother, always has the choice to be individual, to be herself, to embody our desires and ideas.

Konopy Natalya Ivanovna, psychologist, Moscow

Hello Alena! let's see what's going on:

This has been happening for many years: my mother does not take into account my interests, does not respect my opinion, dismisses my advice.

this is an already developed stereotype of your mother's behavior towards you and this is exactly what YOU need to accept! Do NOT try to look for answers to the questions: "why?"; "for what?" and DO NOT try to change it! and this has nothing to do with old age - with age, such features can be exaggerated, become more defined, BUT she always had them! it also has nothing to do with you - everything is inside the mother ITSELF - she did not respect you, because she treated herself like that! does not hear and does not accept you, because it does not hear and does not accept itself! and doesn't want to! It's her choice and her right! accept it as such! from the fact that SHE treats you like that - it does NOT mean - that YOU are not standing in front of yourself! this is HER attitude! and what you are - you know yourself! respect yourself! draw boundaries!

Alena, hello.

I want to agree with you that it is hard to constantly endure these squabbles, sometimes even depreciation. When you want support and understanding. It seems that in your situation, which you described, your mother wants respect and love. And everything you do wrong, it all reads "They don't like me." Given your mom's age, I'm guessing there's trauma - which is called aging. Roles change, spheres of influence narrow, and then the following begins to appear - depreciation of others, envy, self-absorption, a desire to manipulate you, hostility, inconsistency and absurdity. I think at this age it is no longer possible to teach something new if the person himself does not understand that changes occur throughout our life. Therefore, Alena, you will have to change. What I would advise: - KNOW YOURSELF - what does it mean, you need to study your experience, remember everything that helped you endure, and stay in a psychologically healthy state. Examine your relationship, paying special attention to how you were "hooked". - do not try to change your mother, be sympathetic. And part with the hope that your relationship will be mutual, and by accepting this - you can receive peace as a gift - with yourself. You can create a mantra for yourself and repeat to yourself: "I can not change anything in my parent. I will never become perfect enough to win his unconditional

They wrote to me on the forum, I replied:

Question M.

Hello, Irina Ivanovna. Excuse me in advance that I wrote so much, I just wanted to write everything in detail.
I am writing to you after another quarrel with my mother. I am 18, she is 60. I love her very much, she is the most precious thing I have. But here we do not have mutual understanding with her. Maybe because of the big age difference. She works, she gets very tired, I understand that.

Let me tell you a little about my family. I also have an older brother, he is 30 years old. He already has his own family, about 5 years he lives separately.
We used to live together, without dad. And there was never a father. My mother raised us on her own and we are very grateful to her for that.
Previously, my mother and I had some kind of quarrels there, but I really don’t remember anymore. It seems not so often and not so strong.

And the last year, probably, especially lately, we constantly quarrel. We just get annoyed, start both with a half turn.
I may be a difficult person, especially since I have my own feelings in my soul, I am constantly worried about something. But, I always try to talk to her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding, so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything and convey it to her. She's the complete opposite. After some quarrels, she doesn’t tend to come up and say, “daughter, let’s go talk calmly, I don’t like this and that, your certain attitude, you’re wrong here, for example, that’s what we will do. And you tell me something, I’ll tell you I will listen."
It's not even about who will come up first .. the point is that when I try to tell my mother that I lack her initiative, that my mother is an adult and cannot decide and try to put everything in its place, I openly tell her that let her calmly tell me everything, when we both cooled down, we’ll talk like adults and calm down in order to avoid quarrels in the future. After my words, she tells me that "I'm tired of your showdown, look for a boyfriend and sort things out with him, I'm tired get out of my room"
I’m so offended, every time I leave with tears in my eyes. I just calmly try to explain the situation, she doesn’t listen, interrupts me, screams, I start screaming (it’s bad, yes, but I can’t do it differently when they interrupt me) .. in the end I every time I promise myself to just give up on everything and live and be glad that we live. But not even a week passes as a quarrel again, and I, like a fool, in the hope that my same words will be heard for the hundredth time, I say them again and again. and again my mother screams, I scream. I can't do this anymore. true. every time something aches in my soul.
I also see my guilt in these screams, there is a certain amount of disrespect for my mother in these actions, but this is all from hopelessness. Yes, my mother may not like what I am shouting, but I suggest that she always talk in a calm tone, I want her to listen to me , and didn’t interrupt me, it’s important .. and she tells me that I need a showdown. I just can’t speak out of hopelessness, tears are welling up. They don’t hear me in a vicious circle. I’m trying to explain it like a child. “No, mom, it’s not a showdown, you don’t understand that. abnormal relationship between mother and daughter
and every time she has hundreds of excuses "we are on the street, I'm tired, I'm watching a movie, don't interfere, my head hurts" I say that you never have time and excuses all the time. and she tells me "what should I talk about with you"

I feel very guilty that I can irritate her with this behavior. but it hurts me that they don’t hear me and don’t understand. maybe we just have different har-rami.
I’m sitting, worrying, 2 hours have passed since the quarrel ... and my mother, as if nothing had happened, came up and asked me for some kind of remedy. I just quietly silently gave, well, she understands that something is wrong. she cooled down and didn’t sweat too much. kissed me and said that I shouldn’t turn into a hysteric ... Well, how can that be. He doesn't hear again. He doesn’t understand that I’m so worried because of our relationship. And again, as if nothing had happened, probably.
and every time I have a sediment in my soul (maybe even my mother), but. then tomorrow I’ll forget too, I’ll have to. and then a few more quarrels and again an attempt to talk and tears. The circle is closed.

I try to come up to hug, it’s rarely true, this is somehow not customary with us .. I’ll come from the institute tired, she’s from work (plus age) .. yes, and outside the house I’m cheerful, I laugh, but at home it’s all addictive. before normal communication .. and if communication, then it immediately turns into a quarrel
when in quarrels I tell my mother that she won’t hug me or kiss me, that we, like in a communal apartment, each live in our own room .. after she cools down, she will come up and hug .. but it is felt that after my words and somehow feeling that everything she’s a mom, and well, I’ll hug you for show. And that's it .. then again without tenderness on her part, even though I try.

Yes, and with my brother she has a misunderstanding.

It even happens with us that I sit with my mother explaining to her something about the barat, that he will not change already and such a person, etc., and all sorts of other things, and she says yes you are right, you say everything correctly, I didn’t even think.
I sometimes feel like a mom.

Please help me with advice. Thank you in advance.

Hello m! I don’t know if you thought about it, but many children, or rather, almost all children, have some kind of resentment against their parents ... And it seems to everyone that others (friends, neighbors, colleagues ...) are more fortunate with their parents ... Why is this happening? The fact is that every child has in his own head some idealized idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe ideal parent. And any child, even as an adult, certainly expects love from mom and dad, unconditional acceptance of himself as he is. At the same time, everything in life is much more complicated ... And parents, once were also children who had their own relationship with their parents ... And the fact is that if for some unfavorable reasons, mom, dad or both were physically absent or were associated with something serious - illness, resentment against the father of children, depression, difficult relationships with their parents, difficult life circumstances, the need to earn money instead of communicating with children, something else, then all this leads to the fact that contact between the parent and the child is violated, instead of love and acceptance, there is negativity, irritation, aggression. It seems the same is happening in your relationship with your mom. She raised you alone without a father ... It was very difficult for her and for sure, there were unconscious resentments against your father. And this, and perhaps the difficulties in relations with your own parents and your grandparents, prevented her from being in good contact with you. You write: “And the last year, probably, especially lately, we are constantly quarreling .... I always try to talk to her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything and convey it to her. This is exactly where such a thing happens that you would like to receive from your mother that “understanding” that you yourself represent. But, you did not think about whether she can do it - listen as you want and discuss. If her mom and dad didn't do it, she didn't get that experience. And he does not know how to do it "as you would like." And then the only way out is for you to accept her for who she is, to change your attitude towards her reactions and the style of communication with you ... You write that sometimes you feel like her mother. It's impossible for a daughter to be her own mother's mom, it can also bring an element of irritation into the relationship. Read the chapter on resentment against parents in D. Sokolov's book on arranging family plots. If you can’t figure it out and accept your mother on your own, this may be a deeper problem related to the history of the family and tribal interweaving, then it’s worth working with a family psychologist in person. The Hellinger constellation method is very suitable for working with parent-child relationships and seminal difficulties. If the need arises, we can work. All the best!

« My mom doesn’t understand me… I can’t just walk up to her, hug her and say I love her… we are like strangers… I don’t like the way she lives… she has been suppressing me all my life… I feel guilty about her all the time” - this is only a small part of the complaints that I heard in consultations from women, my clients.

Moreover, from a variety of women: working and housewives, married and unmarried, with different education and income levels, women from complete families and those whose mother divorced a long time ago. And these women, so different, all interesting in their own way, in fact are already adults, nevertheless, like little girls they wanted motherly love, affection and asked “ Why? Why doesn't my mom understand me?».

Intrigued by this topic, I noticed that women who have a difficult relationship with their mother have something in common. Remembering their childhood, talking about it, they, one way or another, convey some tension in the family atmosphere in which they grew up.

Tension arose either during scandals, or wore a hidden form, when the little girl could not understand where it came from, what was the reason, but she felt it well.

What also united these women, whose relationship with their mother was difficult, was their inherent confusion in the face of a world of emotions. Where emotions appeared, confusion began: misunderstanding of oneself or others, a desire to help oneself to the detriment of oneself, or vice versa - a selfish search for extremely vivid sensations, constant doubts, contradictions - there are many options, but, ultimately, one can talk about a decrease in emotional intelligence (ability to understand and manage their own and others' emotions).

For example, in Olga (names hereinafter changed), a strong emotional upsurge was often replaced by depressive states, and she had no idea about the reasons for what was happening.

Another client, Marina, often found herself in a situation where she spent a long time and patiently “giving all the best” for her friends, helping them, and they simply used her, which led to grievances, disappointments and depression, while Marina did not understand how to get out of these situations and what was happening at all.

Another woman, Svetlana, in pursuit of strong emotions, found them in relationships with bright, unbalanced and narcissistic men, although she had long wanted a family and children, but did not understand how to break away from attachment to such men who were not inclined to create a family.

Navigation on the article “My mother does not understand me, we constantly swear. How to build relationships?

Constantly arguing with mom, what is the reason?

You will have to think and analyze. There is such a thing as “transferring a mother’s life script to her daughter.” Girls who grew up in families where they were alone, rejected, or overwhelmed with disproportionate responsibilities developed an enormous need for unstable codependent relationships, the habit of controlling people and circumstances.

In addition, such women do not always understand themselves well, their emotions, sometimes they cannot find unity between reason and feelings, and sometimes they do not even know where to look for these feelings.

Perhaps you already have children of your own. Helpful questions to ask yourself:

• What is your parenting style?
• Are you following the path of your mother?

If all this is about you, then you can and should work with it. Including a psychologist.

Is constructive dialogue possible?

After forgiveness of insults and separation from the mother, you can think about a constructive dialogue with her. Often women who want build relationships with mom and change something, ask questions:

• "how to talk to her?"
• “how to make her finally understand?”

Many say with pain that they tried to speak more than once, but ran into a wall of misunderstanding, alienation, or maternal anger.