Orthodox upbringing in the family is the basis for a child’s personal development. Christian parenting in the modern world Raising a girl in the Orthodox faith in the family

Alena Grischuk
Traditions and culture of the Christian family in the moral education of children

TRADITIONS AND CULTURE OF THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY, IN MORAL EDUCATION OF CHILDREN.

"IN education there is a great secret

improvement of human nature."

German philosopher E. Kant

A person is not born perfect, but his nature requires it, and the task of a person’s entire life is to strive for something more perfect and beautiful.

Correct upbringing prevents the child from accumulating negative experiences, prevents the development of undesirable skills and habits of behavior, which can adversely affect the formation of his moral qualities.

Moral- this is a person’s ability and desire to live according to moral norms, rules, and principles. Moral qualities are not inherited, they must be bring up.

IN education plays a huge role family. And in most cases, it becomes the most valuable gift of fate for each of us.

Family begins with marriage. According to the words of St. John Chrysostom, marriage became for Christian"the mystery of love", in which spouses, their children and the Lord Himself participate. The fulfillment of this mysterious union of love is possible only in the spirit Christian faith, in the feat of voluntary and sacrificial service to each other.

Family in Christian understanding, there is a home Church, it is a single organism, the members of which live and build their relationships on the basis of the law of love.

What is the concept « family» has and moral, and spiritual nature is confirmed by religious, philosophical and theological research.

Special role families -"home Church" V Christian culture- consists in fulfilling the primordial function - spiritually moral education of children.

Children perceived not as an accidental acquisition, but as a gift from God, which parents are called to cherish and "to multiply", helping to reveal all the strengths and talents of the child, leading him to virtuous Christian life.

The birth of a child is true happiness for every parent. For believers, the birth of a new member families is certainly associated with such church rituals, How:

Baptism;

Confirmation;

Communion;

Churching.

Once born, the baby immediately joins religion and culture, and this gives him the opportunity to feel like a no less significant part of society than those around him. They begin to instill faith and love for God from the cradle, but not with strict orders, but in the form of games and storytelling. Children up to a year they are not fenced off from family religious traditions: on the contrary, parents read prayers out loud to the kids, talk about church holidays, and show icons.

Childhood is the time of development of all human powers, both mental and physical, the time of acquiring knowledge about the world around us, the time of formation moral skills and habits. In the preschool period there is active accumulation moral experience, and turning to spiritual life also begins in preschool age with moral self-determination and the formation of self-awareness. Systematic spiritual moral education from the first years of life, ensures adequate social development and harmonious personality formation.

The main means of spiritual moral development of a child’s personality is his mastery of Orthodox spiritual- moral values. His introduction into the Orthodox Church cultural tradition naturally passes through playback annual cycle of holidays, work, games, the use of specially selected folk tales and small folklore forms (proverbs, sayings, nursery rhymes, through familiarity children with musical and pictorial works on gospel subjects.

Orthodox parenting practiced in many families where there are believing parents. Raising a child's good character, the development of his ability to virtuous life has always been determined by the way of life of the mother and father, by how much the parents themselves could show him a good example. Without example and guidance in goodness, a child loses the ability to develop as a person.

At preschool age, children are ready to accept God as the Creator of our world in which we live. Children admire the beauty of flowers, trees, all nature, enjoy the breeze, sun, and rainbow. Looking at patterned snowflakes in winter. At the age of 5-6 they understand as obvious that God is the Creator of the world - our common home and feel Love for God's world. Both processes of knowledge and love contribute to the formation of children's awareness of the expediency of the structure of the whole world and all God's creatures. The thirst for spiritual knowledge is inherent in a person from the very beginning, and every year this thirst intensifies, it is already recognized by the child and is very acute due to the brightness of emotional life at this age. perception and experiencing life's contradictions.

At any family With healthy family relationships, parents strive to give their children the best that is available to them. This applies to material wealth and necessary things, as well as moral values ​​and principles of life. It is important for parents that the child is well and warmly dressed, fed, receives a good education, and subsequently a decent job, and finds family happiness. This is what ordinary parents who do not strictly adhere to faith want. Parents- Christians want the same thing for their children., but not primarily, but as a supplement. Their main purpose education is so that there is a child in the soul "portrayed Christ» so that the child gains unshakable faith in the Church and lives according to its canons.

Modern life has many temptations, is full of customs that are unusual Christianity. Therefore the parent Christian must help the child fight these temptations and teach him to live in parallel with them, following his own path, the path of faith.

There is not a single nation in the world that does not have its own traditions and customs passing on their experience, knowledge and achievements to new generations.

Family traditions are norms accepted in the family, manners of behavior, customs and attitudes that are passed on from generation to generation. They distribute roles in areas of family life, establish rules for intrafamily communication, including ways to resolve conflicts and overcome emerging problems.

The traditions of moral education are familiar to every Christian. They have evolved over centuries and still form the basis Christian life.

Faith and piety are the foundation moral education of children.

Moral education:

Responsiveness (compassion, empathy)

Behavior rules "Do not harm anyone"

Conscience, responsibility (a person’s ability to self-control, self-esteem based on social moral assessments).

Conditions moral education:

Atmosphere of love

Atmosphere of sincerity

Reasonable punishment

Positive example for adults

Only when the child is confident in parental love, creation in family atmosphere of sincerity, with reasonable punishment it is possible education of moral behavior.

Many traditions are observed in our country and in those families, in which it is not customary to pray every day and attend Church on Sundays.

But people are going family for Easter, bake Easter cakes, celebrate Christmas Christ's, many observe Lent. Of course life Christian is not limited only to these actions and requires compliance with certain traditions every day.

Children receive their first lessons of kindness and love in their own home, in a circle families, during such traditions like meals. In many families observe this tradition, replenish lack of communication between members families and this is a kind of symbol of nepotism. From childhood, children are told that a wife is obedient to her husband, she maintains peace to the family, warmth and love. Father is the head families, obedient to the Heavenly Father. Father is in charge family before God. And children grow up in obedience to their parents. Respectfully and joyfully fulfilling their will

IN Christian families teach children that that a reasonable person should be afraid of upsetting God, the Heavenly Father, with a bad deed. This is called the fear of God. Christians teach their children that, following the example of the merciful God, they should do good, give alms without delay, forgive, be modest, sympathize, love people and even their enemies, try to serve people, and thank God for everything.

Old tradition is the reading of the morning and evening prayers throughout family. The head of the family reads loudly, and everyone in the family repeats after him quietly. This traditions It is important to adhere to in modern times. If you can’t get everyone together twice a day, then you can do it once, for example, before bed. Grown-up children, together with their parents, need to attend night services when they are supposed to. For example, on Easter, on Holy Week, before Christmas Christ's. A child should be taught to observe fasts from a very early age. But it is impossible not to allow certain foods to be eaten by prohibitions; it is important that the child himself learns to refuse it. From a very early age, spiritual literature is read with children. At first, these could be children's books on biblical themes, presented in clear language, perhaps with pictures. Thus, I convey to children the image of kindness and responsiveness.

In our city to support such traditions, at the Holy Trinity Cathedral, a Sunday school is open to everyone. At this school, children study the Law of God, the basics Christian doctrine, Biblical history. Also at this school, clergy conduct conversations for adults dedicated to explaining the truths of the Orthodox faith, the history of the church, and worship. Parents pass on the knowledge gained in these conversations to their children.

The most important thing is that all this is done with genuine sincerity and warmth, since family traditions play an important role in the formation moral qualities, all moral and aesthetic culture of man. Their support and development is carried out mainly through collective participation in events of national significance and the organization of leisure activities, both family, and outside it.

To sum up, we can safely say that in traditions of Christian culture occupies the main place family.

Family- This is the first authority on a child’s path to life. She passes it on to the children cultural and moral values ​​through the example of adults, instilling responsiveness, kindness, responsibility and rules of behavior in society.

IN family must be preserved and transmitted spiritually moral traditions created by ancestors, and what exactly parents are responsible for parenting.

If children distinguish good from bad, are able to resist temptation, evil and violence, respect their elders, love their parents and loved ones, then this is a positive result. education.

Observe traditions and teach it to yours children are good, but true Christian must not just blindly do what is prescribed, but must also understand the essence.

Bibliography.

1. Gladkikh L.P. Fundamentals of the Orthodox culture: Scientific - method. manual for kindergarten teachers. - Kursk, 2008.

2. Kirkos R. Yu Orthodox parenting preschool age. St. Petersburg: Satis - Power, 2005.

3. Kulomzina S. Our Church and our children. Christian education people in the modern world. - M., 2008Program optional course // Laboratory of the Russian School // Kursk. KSPU, 1997

4. Shishova T. P. How educate Is there obedience in a child? - M., 2010

5. Yudin A. B. Russian traditional folk spirituality. – M., 1994

6. Internet sources.

At a meeting of seminary graduates, one of my classmates, and now the rector of several churches, the dean, stood up and said: “For me, serving the Church and serving the family stand in the same place.” It was not entirely usual to hear this from a dean, who is responsible for several parishes, builds churches, cares for many people. But then I thought and realized that he was right. If a priest is not happy in his family, it is very difficult for him to do God’s work. The Holy Apostle Paul writes: But if someone does not take care of his own, and especially his household, he has renounced the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim 5:8). That’s how harsh it is. He doesn’t write, for example: “He who prays poorly and does not take care of his own business,” and whoever does not take care of his family. And even a priest, performing a service higher than which there is nothing in the world, serving the liturgy and establishing the Church of God, cannot forget about his home and family. A wife and a family are given to a priest once in a lifetime. He cannot remarry, and he must especially take care of his mother and help her. A holy place is never empty, a replacement can be found for any post, even the most responsible one, other people will come, but for the children of the father, and for the wife, no one can replace the husband.

In the modern world, where there is so little love left, the family is a quiet haven, a saving oasis, where a person should strive from all storms and worries. The commandment to love God and neighbors is embodied primarily in the family. Who else to love if not the people closest to us - children, relatives? By loving them, we learn to love God. For how can you love Him whom you have not seen without loving those with whom you live?

We are often driven to perform some heroic deeds, to help someone, to save someone, and the Lord will ask us first of all about how we took care of our family, the children entrusted to us, how we raised them.

Let's dwell on this for a moment. Who are they, our children? A continuation of us? Our property? Or, even worse, material for the implementation of those projects and ambitions that we failed to realize in our lives? God gives children. They are God's children and only then are they ours. And God gives them to us for a while to ask for them. When we understand this, we will not harbor false illusions and grieve from resentment against them. They say they spent their whole life and energy on children, but they didn’t get what they wanted.

Parents in most cases love their children more than their parents' children. And the expectation of great childhood love is real selfishness. Let's start with the fact that a normal father, a normal mother have children for themselves, at that moment they do not think at all that anyone will thank them for this. The reasons why people give birth to children: 1) love for children; 2) to have support in old age. And hardly anyone thinks that they have benefited their future child or improved the demographic situation in the country. Children did not ask them to give birth, we do it for ourselves. Those who love children know that they can give us much more joy and happiness than we can give them. It is a heavy cross to not have children. We should be grateful to them that we have them.

It can be bitter to listen to parents’ complaints about their children, on whom they supposedly spent the best years of their lives, a lot of money and mental strength, and who repaid them with black ingratitude. There is no need to be like Rockefeller, who billed his already grown children for all the years when he watered and fed them. We need to regret not the lost years and money, but the fact that we could not raise our children as worthy support for their parents, could not win their love.

And therefore, the main task of parents is not to give the child the best clothes, food and toys, but to educate him. That is, to cultivate the image of God in him, to save his soul, and the rest will follow.

I know first-hand about school education, since I taught for quite a long time both in Sunday school and in the most ordinary vocational school. And I see with pain that every year the situation with children is getting worse. And how could it be otherwise when no one cares about the children: neither parents, nor school. Previously, at least there were educational programs, clubs, sections. Now there are almost none.

But sex education classes are being introduced in schools. All that remains is the TV and computer. A child turns on the TV and sees, for example, Fyodor Bondarchuk’s film “The 9th Company,” where the speech is constantly flavored with obscenities and a group sex scene is shown. They say that one “Afghan” in anger broke the disk with this film, saying that it was untrue and slander to the Afghan war, this is not even historically true, the 9th company did not die, as shown in the picture. In the film "Antikiller" the main character, "a knight without fear and reproach", smokes weed. And there are many such examples, because even our Minister of Culture Shvydkoy called for declaring swearing as our national treasure. TV constantly broadcasts films that just a few years ago fell under the article “Production and display of pornography.” To this we must add children’s (!) erotic magazines, sex education classes at school and much more. On the same TV, explicit and hidden advertising of alcohol and tobacco, and in many films - even drugs. Drugs have become very affordable, and beer is generally sold at the price of mineral water. When I was at school, we knew only one drug addict from our school, now this problem has overwhelmed all educational institutions.

Why am I telling all this? Not to intimidate anyone. I think everyone already knows about these problems. It is important to understand something else: now is not the time when we grew up and were brought up, not to mention the older generation. And without faith in God, without Christian moral commandments, without Orthodox culture, we will not raise children. Even 17–20 years ago it was possible to rely on universal human values ​​in education, today it is not. Time is lost. Christian, Orthodox upbringing gives the child an inoculation, spiritual immunity against all the evil that is increasing every day. And the struggle for the soul of a child goes not only through the cult of the dollar, sex and material values. We live in a country of victorious occultism and Satanism. To understand this, it is enough to look through any newspaper with advertisements for witchcraft services and go to any book tray.

It is impossible to defeat this kind (demonic) by material means. That's what faith is for. If a child learns “what is good and what is bad” not according to Mayakovsky, but according to the Law of God, if he receives a core of faith in God in his life, if he learns that for all our deeds we will give an answer not only beyond the grave, but also in this life, he will be able to resist the world and its evil. Vysotsky has the words: “If cutting the path with your father’s sword, you wound salty tears on your mustache, if in a hot battle you experienced how much, it means you read the right books in childhood.” And our task is to give children these books, that is, education.

By the way, about books. It is very important to instill in a child from childhood a love of reading and a taste for good literature. This should be done as early as possible, without being lazy, reading aloud to the children. If the baby gets used to good, real books, he will not have the desire to read bad ones. Now is the time of computers, DVDs and mobile phones, and young people read very little. But you can learn to use a computer very quickly, but learning to read books without having such a habit since childhood is very difficult. The same can be said about high-quality, good films and cartoons. By cultivating a child’s taste in this area, we will protect his eyes and ears (and most importantly, his soul) from obscene, mediocre crafts. He most likely won’t be able to watch them himself. While buying CDs for children, I was surprised to find out what a huge number of wonderful domestic films and cartoons for children we have. And of course, they cannot be compared with Western products. Now let's move on to our main topic: raising children in the family.

Maybe I’ll say a banal thing, but raising a child needs to start with working on yourself. There are well-known proverbs: “Oranges are not picked from an aspen tree” and “An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” How we would like to see our children in the future is how we should be now, when our children live and communicate with us. We must teach by example of life. If a father rants about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco while puffing on a cigarette and sipping beer, will this have any effect?

One day I witnessed a very unpleasant scene. Two young mothers stood on the street and talked. Their small children (no more than four years old) were playing two steps away. And the most monstrous obscene language flew out of the mouths of these women every second word. I have never heard such abuse from seasoned mechanics and former prisoners. Who will grow up from these mothers' children? Not hard to guess. The same people like to use foul language. And where there is swearing, there are certainly other vices. When I was a teenager, it was almost impossible to meet a woman smoking on the street. Now even young mothers pushing a stroller smoke, even on the playground. Moreover, often people do this not maliciously, they have simply completely lost the ability to distinguish between “good” and “bad.” They are so accustomed to drinking, smoking, and foul language that they consider all this the norm of life. One day my wife and children and I came to the playground. Besides us, there were several old women on benches and a man and a woman who were sitting right on the boards of the sandbox. The man was smoking. I approached him and asked him to leave, since there was a children’s playground and children were walking around. Oddly enough, he took my call completely normally, apologized, put out his cigarette and left. I think he just didn’t think that his smoking was unpleasant or harmful to someone.

I will give an example of how admonitions are sent to parents for an ungodly life and how the Lord shows them how much harm they cause to their children.

Archimandrite of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra Kronid (Lyubimov) spoke about an incident that happened to his fellow countryman, a peasant in the village of Ketilovo, Volokolamsk district. His name was Yakov Ivanovich. He had a son, Vasily, eight years old. For some time now he began to have fits of unbearable foul language, which were accompanied by blasphemy against the sacred. At the same time, his face became black and scary. His father tried to punish him, throwing him into the basement, but the boy continued to curse from there. The boy’s father said that he himself doesn’t swear when he’s sober, but when he drinks, he’s the first to swear on the street and swear in front of the children. He himself was aware that he was to blame for his son's obsession. Archimandrite Kronid advised the peasant to tearfully repent of his sins and pray to St. Sergius for the healing of his son. Arriving at the Lavra a year later, the peasant said that his son soon fell ill and began to melt like a candle. For two months he was ill and was unusually meek and humble in heart. No one heard a bad word from him. Two days before his death, he confessed and took communion and, having said goodbye to everyone, died. The shocked father stopped drinking and never uttered swear words again.

This incident shows how responsible we are for our every action and word spoken in the presence of children. We know well from the Gospel what awaits the one who seduces one of these little ones.

The main educational factor is the atmosphere prevailing in the family. What a child sees and receives in the family, in childhood, forms 80% of his character.

Now a theory has emerged that there is no bad inheritance from parents of alcoholics and drug addicts. It’s just that teenagers, being in an environment where they drink and use drugs, themselves adopt these vices.

I am not a doctor, it is difficult for me to judge the correctness of this hypothesis, but I will say one thing: a child has no sins, adults commit sins. There are many examples of children from families of alcoholics being brought up in prosperous families and growing up to be completely normal people. Heredity was overcome with love and care.

The same can be said about other sins. For example, a father is prone to anger and often yells at his wife. My son grows up exactly the same. And everyone says that he is just like his father. In fact, he really inherited an impulsive, emotional character from his parent, but he took his role model from his dad. Children inherit character and temperament traits from us, but how they use and develop them depends on our behavior and how we raise them. Thrift can become thrift, or it can become stinginess. Firmness can develop into perseverance, or it can turn into stubbornness and tyranny. Therefore, it is important to discern the characteristics of a child’s character even in infancy and give them proper development, and not strive at any cost to remake them or impose something that is not at all typical for the child. The same can be said about abilities. If a teenager has the talent of an artist, and they want to make him a mathematician at any cost just because his dad is a professor of mechanics and mathematics, you can greatly harm your beloved child.

The kind of relationship between the spouses greatly influences the condition of the children. After all, a family is a single organism, and children are inseparable from us. Psychologist Maxim Bondarenko gives the following example: “A father comes for a consultation with his son. The problem of his son’s poor performance at school and his reluctance to study is stated. As the conversation progresses, it turns out that the father constantly quarrels with his mother, because he is jealous of her. It would seem what this has to do with him. attitude towards his son's studies? It turns out that he is direct. Since he is afraid of his parents' divorce, he unconsciously draws part of the conflict energy in the family onto himself. For this, he “had to become” a bad student. As a result, the parents direct part of their aggression addressed to each other towards son, who in this way unknowingly “saves” the family from collapse. So it turns out that the father and mother are engaged in “raising” him instead of solving the problem of their own relationships." "When the family is together, then the soul is in place,” says the popular wisdom.

If parents want to raise good children, they must understand themselves and achieve good relationships. Then it will be easier to raise children. The problem of modern parents is the lack of free time; in this time pressure, very few hours are left for children, especially fathers. And this is understandable, times are hard, you need to earn money. But still find time to play and work with the children. And they will thank you for this, even by making you closer to each other.

One dad said: “I used to think it was an unaffordable luxury to go with my children to the zoo, to nature, or to a circus performance. I didn’t consider myself such a free person to waste time on such trifles. It was better to pray, read the Gospel. But God broke it and completely changed "My ideas about spiritual life. I realized that my spirituality as a father is to devote all my free time to my children. No spirituality can justify the need to raise our own children. And now we go to the zoo, play together and walk in the forest."

The role of the father is especially important in raising boys. The way you played football with your children, went hiking, made pilgrimages, made something together will be remembered for a lifetime. Childhood memories are the brightest, brightest, they shine for us like stars all our lives.

Many dads, feeling guilty towards their children due to lack of communication, lavish their children with expensive things and toys, but often the children do not need this at all. It would be much more valuable to them if dad did something with them, repaired a car or taught them how to saw and hammer nails. We often complain about the bad influence of the street and school. Do we ourselves spend a lot of time with children, influence them, are we interested in how they live, what films and songs excite them? Parents should be their children's first friends, maintaining, of course, subordination and avoiding familiarity.

Should children be praised? I think it is necessary. Family, dad and mom, is the whole world for a child. He has done something, but still cannot objectively assess his success and has no life experience. An adult can receive an assessment of his work at work, from friends, relatives, but a child - only from his parents. And praise, even for small success, is of great importance for further creative growth.

And on the contrary, children to whom their parents repeat: “You are stupid, incompetent, fat,” “Nothing good will come of you,” grow up stupid, inept, losers. If a child, even a really sick one, is constantly looked after and protected from everything, he will consider himself sick and defective all his life. A so-called inferiority complex arises.

Now let's talk about such an important section of education as punishing children. Holy Scripture and the experience of the Church do not deny the need for strict punishment of children. He who spares his rod hates his son; and whoever loves disciplines him from childhood (Proverbs 13:25). The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left neglected brings shame to his mother (Proverbs 29:15). But there is one “but”: any punishment in anger or irritation will not bring any benefit. ... Let the sun not set on your anger (Eph 4:26). Parents who vent their anger and let off steam do not punish their children, but themselves. Punishment ( especially bodily) should pursue one goal - benefit for the child, must be raised with love, calmly and without screaming.The age when you can spank a child should not be very early (the baby will not even understand why he was beaten) and not late (we will injury and offense to a teenager).If this measure is followed, after five years there will be no need to corporally punish, a strict reminder of spanking is sufficient.

They say that Makarenko’s mother came to her and asked for advice on how to raise her disobedient son. A famous teacher asked how old he was, his mother said sixteen. Then Makarenko replied: “You are sixteen years late.” In order not to be late, you need to start from the first days, or even better, from pregnancy. And you need to start educating yourself. I recently heard a story from a gynecologist. She talked about how birth waters mothers who did not smoke during pregnancy are clean and light, while those of mothers who smoke are brown and with a persistent smell of tobacco.A person becomes a smoker and an alcoholic in the womb.

But let's continue about punishments. There is a phrase in the Holy Scriptures: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4). In education you need to avoid irritation and empty words. The instruction must be specific and to the point. For example, a child accidentally broke a vase. The terrible father pesters him with a meaningless question: “Why did you break the vase?” - “I didn’t mean to...” - “No, admit it, why did you break the vase?” The child's irritation increases because he does not know what to answer. The father's rage also intensifies. The child's patience may burst. One day the father may well hear: “Dad, are you a fool?” Well, what is the question, so is the answer.

A common mistake is to make comments at every step and turn them into bargaining chips. And the child soon begins to perceive them as a meaningless, meaningless background.

It's time to talk about the main thing. About Christian education of children. There is a common opinion that religious education should not be imposed on a child: they say, when he grows up, he will choose his faith and come to God. Not teaching anything and not educating at all is as crazy as not reading any books to a child: when they grow up, they will choose what to read. After all, we are trying to instill in a child what we ourselves consider good, correct, and do not think about the fact that someone has a different scale of values.

The second point: children are deprived of life experience; they cannot yet choose for themselves what is good and what is bad. The question of whether to educate in faith or not does not exist for a believer. Faith for us is the meaning of life, and don’t we really want to pass on to our children what is sacred to us?

Recently, a deacon, my friend, and I were discussing over a cup of tea whether it is necessary to force children to pray and go to church. And each of us gave many examples of pros and cons. How a child was forced to pray from childhood, and then he left the Church, and, conversely, how people raised in the faith from childhood became pious clergy. It seems to me that the most important thing is not only to put the child in prayer and take him to communion, but also to live in prayer and service ourselves. The child does not tolerate falsehood or formalism. If for parents prayer is a part of their life, soul, and they were able to show this to their children, then the child, despite external resistance, will not be able to live without God. There were cases when teenagers left the Church, but then returned, remembering their parents’ instructions. The main thing is that everything we do in the family should be done with one feeling - love for children and loved ones. When trying to get children into church, we must not go too far. It is unlikely that the child will be able to endure the entire night vigil or liturgy, or be able to read the entire rule for communion. A child should not feel burdened or bored in church. You can come before the beginning, explain to the child in advance what will happen at the service, and sing the troparion of the holiday with him. We ourselves are too lazy to read the Gospel with pictures to our children, tell them about the holidays, and then we complain that the children don’t want to go to church. A child is a person of habit. He gets used to eating, going to bed and getting up according to a schedule, going to clubs, and then to school. And going to church should also become such a good habit. Regular classes are very disciplined; this will be useful in all cases of life. And there is no need to be embarrassed that the child does not have a fiery glow during prayer. Children are very curious, they wait for our explanations. But we often limit ourselves to: “Follow me, because it’s necessary.” So the child won’t even go for a walk, let alone to church. It’s very good to explain to the child where the icon is in the church and what is painted on it, what the priests are wearing , altar servers, learn with him “I Believe”, “Our Father”, so that he sings with the people. But, of course, not by cram learning. My child knew these prayers already at the age of three. My mother just read them in the morning, before bed, before food. After all, there is an expression: “to know like the Our Father.”

In this regard, I would like to touch on one more topic: labor education.

Children are used to playing. And they play not only with cars and dolls. For our children, the most favorite toys were pots, lids, and some very adult things. This needs to be used. Children take part in joint cooking with amazing joy, grating vegetables, stirring salads, and washing dishes. Still would! After all, they are usually not given this. This is not a child's mobile phone or a boring car. You can collect scattered toys by bringing them in a children's truck. And with what pleasure children help plant greens or hammer nails! If you know how to do something (sewing, drawing, crafting), your most favorite and interesting toys will be those that you made with your children. Activities with children bring no less joy to parents than to children. My baby just squealed with joy when I took him into the forest with me. I sawed dry trees, and he carried the branches to the car. It's hard to say which of us enjoyed it more.

As part of our topic, there is a point about raising children in the family, and not in child care institutions.

Of course, a family must raise a child; no one can replace a father and mother for children. However, I cannot say that children should under no circumstances be sent to kindergarten. There are situations when a mother raises a child without a father, is forced to work or study, and feed the family. Now many families have a very difficult financial situation; both parents work to provide for the family. You never know what situations there are. Of course, kindergarten is rather a tolerable evil. It has a number of serious disadvantages. A child is still too young to know what is good and what is bad. Children bring bad words, games, and habits from the garden. Often, educators do not monitor their charges well, or even offend them. Children in the kindergarten get sick more often. The child unlearns to pray before meals, before going to bed; they don’t do this in the garden. After all, at school age a child is stronger mentally and physically, and already has his own opinion. So, if possible, raise your children in a family. If the mother is not lazy, the child in the family will develop much faster than in kindergarten. And parental affection and warmth is education in itself.

If there is more than one child in the family, there will be no problems with communication either. Actress Anna Mikhalkova in an interview with Foma magazine says: “I’m afraid many people don’t think about raising children at all. How many families are there where the question of how to raise children is simply not raised... They put them in kindergarten and went to work. Then they took him out of the garden, washed him, fed him, and put him to bed. The situation forces many to live by inertia.”

Let us briefly dwell on the topic of large families. How many children to have? Here is the opinion of psychologist T. Shishova: “The only child in the family has a much greater chance of growing up selfish, and such people are extremely jealous. They want the whole world to revolve around them... Sometimes a woman cannot even talk calmly on the phone: the child immediately begins to whine , get out of the way, demand that she hang up. Only children have a more difficult time in a group, while children from large families learn communication skills very early. Moreover, communication with children of a different age gives them additional advantages: by taking care of the younger ones, they learn independence, gain confidence in their strength. Having an older brother or sister nearby, the baby feels more protected. By imitating older brothers and sisters, babies learn and develop much faster. Many mothers with many children say that they taught reading and counting only to their first-born children. Then the children learned in a relay race - from the older ones to the younger ones."

I myself am happy that I grew up in a family with three children. For some reason, I’m not spoiled.

The main reason why people do not want to have many children is economic. That is, it seems to them that they will not be able to feed a large family. Although, of course, there are other factors. I can say with absolute certainty: if a person wants to have many children, the Lord will definitely help him. And there are countless examples of this. I'll give just one. An altar boy I knew lived with his wife, mother and three children in a very small two-room apartment. There was even a sit-down bath. And so they decide to give birth to a fourth. So what? Their house (which should not have been demolished; it was nine-story and made of brick) is recognized as unsafe, and they are given three apartments in a new building at once. One three-room and two one-room. They rent out one of the one-room apartments, which is a great help.

In conclusion, I will quote the words of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna, who herself was an example of a mother and wife: “Parents should be what they want their children to be, not in words, but in deeds. They must teach their children by the example of their lives.”

Orthodox upbringing of children in the family is united by spiritual and moral kinship. There is no need to think that the baby is busy with prayer and work all day...

An appeal to the roots, which modern educators, psychologists and parents simply concerned about the “decline of morals” are increasingly thinking about, is impossible without knowledge of the basic elements of Orthodox culture. We are increasingly talking about how important it is to raise children in the traditions of Orthodoxy, hoping to protect the heirs from cynicism, corruption, self-centeredness, disrespect, rudeness, immaturity and irresponsibility.

Knowing about traditions and following them are not the same thing. That is why you need to understand that raising a child in Orthodox traditions is, first of all, following the norms and canons of the thousand-year-old Christian faith.

Such upbringing of children in the family is based on three main principles:

• love in the comprehensive understanding of this word;
• the leading role of the father as the head of the family not only in the material, but also in the spiritual sense;
• reverence for parents and elders in general.

The family in Orthodoxy is united not so much by social and material structure, but by spiritual and moral kinship. That is why the role of the father in her is unusually large. On the shoulders of the head of the family lies the task of preparing the child for life’s challenges, strengthening his character and giving the little person’s soul a moral vector of development. What is important is not so much creativity as the ability to see the boundaries of what is permitted; not so much independence as the ability to be responsible for one’s actions.

The severity of upbringing is softened by the sublime love of parents for their children and children for their father and mother. Parents avoid anger, restrain irritation, and the child sees in submission not punishment and humiliation, but justice. It is love that softens prohibitions, does not break the child’s personality, but allows the child to become internally free, to live according to the thousand-year-old moral laws of kindness and mutual respect.

Education in Orthodoxy

Children in an Orthodox family are taught from childhood to help each other, and the basis of their interaction is trust and love. Faith gives meaning to every action. Labor plays a special role: it is natural for children to clean up after themselves not only their toys, but also to participate in cleaning the house, washing dishes, and helping their mother and father with housework. Moreover, such work does not have any special meaning, as is the case with secular education - it is a natural process.

Orthodoxy is based on several points:

• daily work for the benefit of the family;
• joint creative and everyday work of adults and children;
• family traditions related to matters of faith.

Morning and evening prayer is perceived not as a formality, but as a conversation with God, in which the child feels the need. This cleanses the soul and forces you to evaluate your actions from the outside, often critically, on a daily basis. A very important point that psychologists talk about when correcting family problems: children should learn to feel not guilt, but a sense of shame for their misdeeds. Orthodoxy makes it possible to develop precisely this feeling, which has a beneficial effect on the behavior of children and their relationships with others.

“What about personal development in creative terms?” - modern parents may ask. Creativity traditionally plays a big role. There is no need to think that the baby is busy with prayer and work all day. Not at all! From a very early age he is in conditions favorable to creativity.

Thus, the Orthodox upbringing of a child from birth is based on the development, first of all, of creative thinking.

Handicrafts, painting, modeling, embroidery are as much a part of Orthodox culture as visiting church and observing holidays. Although holidays also provide scope for creativity: Christmas, Easter, Trinity and other significant dates are necessarily accompanied by crafts made from natural materials (for example, making a Christmas nativity scene, angels, painting Easter eggs, etc.), that is, they directly develop fine motor skills and aesthetic taste.

At the same time, the necessary skills and abilities (perseverance, determination) are developed. The special atmosphere of joy, celebration, unity with one’s family is also worth a lot - something that is so sorely lacking in modern families. It is love that is the universal creative engine that has a huge impact on the child’s soul.

Traditions such as name days, baptism, funeral services for a deceased relative, and commemorations deserve special mention. All these are mandatory elements of Orthodox culture, which make a child, from the very first days of life, feel in a special atmosphere of spiritual kinship with others, realize that he is part of a great culture and history, and accept a certain life cycle as a given.

These are the most important components of mental ecology, the basis of moral health, the key to a happy, harmonious adult life.

Orthodoxy for kids

The birth of a child is true happiness for every parent, but in Orthodox families this event is perceived differently than in secular ones. For believers, the birth of a new family member is certainly associated with such church rituals as:

• baptism;
• anointing;
• communion;
• churching.

Having been born, the baby is immediately introduced to religion and culture, and this gives him the opportunity to feel like a no less significant part of society than those around him.

They begin to instill faith and love for God from the cradle, but not with strict orders, but in the form of games and storytelling. Children under one year old are not protected from family religious traditions: on the contrary, parents read prayers out loud to their children, talk about church holidays, and show icons.

From one to three years

By the first birthday, the child already has many skills and understands speech. His way of life is also changing: the child is often taken to church, and at home he is involved in farming and creative activities.

The participation of children in daily work is an integral part of Orthodox education. Each child in the family performs duties that are within his or her age range: some put away toys, others wash dishes and participate in cooking.

Joint creative activity plays an important role: children from an early age sculpt and draw with older children. Handicrafts are directly related to Orthodox traditions, because each church holiday has its own craft.

It is built on these principles. It is at this age that the most important character traits are formed, habits are formed, thinking and aesthetic taste develop.

Orthodoxy and kindergarten

Believing parents face certain difficulties when it comes time to send their grown-up child to kindergarten. After all, kindergarten is not only an opportunity to communicate with peers, but also strict discipline. The rules of behavior in preschool institutions are very different from those to which a child raised in the traditions of Orthodoxy is accustomed.

Having crossed the age of five, a child can already choose what he likes and what he doesn’t. But he is still very small to independently distinguish bad from good. In raising children of senior preschool age, parents will have to be persistent so as not to miss everything that they have nurtured in the little person since birth. This is where the traditional Orthodox “carrot and stick” method comes in handy: strict punishments softened by special love and affection.

Problems of Orthodoxy

How to raise a child in a society in which material well-being comes first, and moral principles have long ago faded into the background?

More and more parents are faced with the problem of immoral behavior of children: the younger generation does not share universal human values, and vulgarity and foul language have become commonplace.

This problem is especially acute for Orthodox families. The canons by which Christian children are raised often differ from social ideals. The main traditions of Orthodox education include:

• love and trust as the basis of relationships between all family members;
• father's dominance in all aspects of life;
• strict limits of what is permitted;
• involving children in household responsibilities;
• creative direction of development.

Troubled Teens

Adolescence threatens parents with even greater problems: the child has grown up and does not want to obey unquestioningly. In high school, there are a lot of temptations for a fragile personality, including:

• theft problem;
• foul language;
• bad habits (alcohol, cigarettes);
• addiction;
• intimacy with the opposite sex.

There are cases when at this stage of life a person completely moved away from the church, but after a while he returned. This is a favorable outcome that can only be achieved if throughout his life the child has seen sincerity in parental prayers and sublime love for God. Then Orthodoxy will bear its significant fruits, and the teenager will consciously return to church.

From the history:

Authoritative opinions

In search of truth, parents often turn to clergy. For example, priest Daniil Sysoev in his lectures gave comprehensive answers to many questions about education. Conversations with him helped more than one parent find an approach to their child and strengthen their faith.

For mothers and fathers studying the influence of the church on children, the book by the famous theologian Nikolai Evgrafovich Pestov will be an ideal assistant. “Orthodox Parenting of Children” can be purchased as a separate publication or in the collection “Modern Practice of Orthodox Piety.” This two-volume work clearly outlines the basics of building a Christian family, as well as the problems that believers have to face in a secular state.

Introduction

A priest, especially a parish priest, is always approached with questions about raising children. The most frequent and persistent complaints are: the child is growing up “not like that”, does not listen to his parents, hangs out with bad company, is carried away by harmful attachments, neglects the duties of a church person... At the same time, the parent himself, as a rule, is in an extremely unpeaceful state in relation to the child: in Irritation and some kind of resentment are seething in my soul.

But a Christian cannot forget that a child is a career given to us by God. And moreover: in our spiritually damaged times, raising children has remained one of the few types of saving and at the same time completely accessible spiritual work. This work performed for the sake of the Lord is a genuine Christian feat, and the difficulties along this path are the saving Cross on which our own sins are atoned for. This is our path to the Kingdom of God.

And therefore a child is a gift from God; not only in the sense of joys, but also in the sense of sorrows - like the way of salvation given to us on the cross. This is a gift given to us always beyond our merits, a gift of God’s mercy. It is difficult to accept such a view, especially for parents who are faced with problems in their upbringing. To understand that the sins of a child are a reflection of our sins and weaknesses (directly - as a continuation of our sins, or indirectly - as atonement for our sins), special prudence and humility are required.

And at the same time, no matter what problems we encounter in raising a child, is everything always bad? After all, in any child there are always positive qualities: the integral manifestations of the image of God in man, as well as those acquired in the Sacrament of Baptism or bestowed by the special providence of God, and manifestations of fallen human nature are always present.

But is it rare that we take blessings for granted and grieve heavily over every shortcoming! Is the child healthy? Yes, but it's a pity that he doesn't have enough stars in his teaching. Is the child intelligent? Yes, but why haven’t we been given an obedient and modest son... But a Christian would have a different view: first of all, to thank God for the given good.

How to instill in a child a Christian worldview, how to plant the seeds of faith in his heart so that they bear good fruit? This is a great problem for all of us. The wife will be saved by childbearing (See:), but childbearing, one should think, is not only and not so much a physiological process.

The souls of our children are our responsibility before the Lord. Much necessary and intelligible things have been written about this both by the holy fathers (John Chrysostom, Theophan the Recluse, etc.), and in our days by spiritually experienced people, excellent teachers: N.E. Pestov, Archpriest Mitrofan Znosko-Borovsky, S.S. Kulomzina... However, unfortunately, there is no clear recipe for solving all the problems of raising a child. And it cannot be. The results don't always match the efforts. And the reason for this is not only our mistakes, but also the mystery of God’s providence, the mystery of the Cross and the mystery of heroism.

So the task of Christian upbringing of children is always a gracious and grateful feat. If our efforts produce a good result (which with the right approaches happens with a high degree of probability) - this is joy in the mercy of God; if our work now seems unsuccessful - and this is God’s permission, which must be accepted humbly, without despair, but trusting in the final triumph of His good will, “... for in this case the saying is true: one sows, and another reaps” ().

The work of parents: The cross and salvation

And yet, the child grows up “not like that”: not as we want him to be, as we imagine him to be. Sometimes this idea is completely justified, sometimes it is extremely subjective. Subjective and unjustified claims of parents to their child not only come down to obvious cases of the child’s inconsistency with parental ambitions or tyranny, but most often to parents’ misunderstanding of both the specifics of the child’s growth and development and God’s providence over his life.

Even more complicated are situations in which the child, as it seems, quite objectively, is not up to par with not only Christian, but also universal human standards of life - prone to theft, pathologically deceitful, etc. How can parents (especially parents who raised a child in the categories of a religious worldview) understand why this is possible, how to live with it and what to do?

First of all, you should understand that nothing happens by chance, due to a bad and senseless coincidence of circumstances. Let us repeat again - any child given to us by God is a field of our work, feat for the sake of the Lord, this is our Cross and our path to salvation. And any saving cross-bearing as a condition presupposes a humble dispensation of the soul. And here we need to realize the most important thing: everything that is in a child is a direct or indirect reflection of ourselves. We passed on our passions and our weaknesses to the child at the moment of his conception.

So, the Lord gave a child to work on. Its shortcomings are our “production task”. Either they (the child’s shortcomings) are a direct reflection and continuation of our sins (and then working meekly to eradicate them is our natural duty: we ourselves planted this weed, we ourselves must weed it out), or it is the atoning Cross that raises us from the hell of our passions through the sufferings of Calvary to our Heavenly Father.

In any case, we, as parents and Christian educators, are required to have peace of soul, humility before the field given by the Lord, and a willingness to selflessly work in it - despite the apparent success or failure of the result. This is the task of a lifetime, and even from heaven, loving hearts continue to pray to the Lord for mercy for their loved ones passing through the earthly path. This work must begin with an awareness of its meaning and necessity. And then - make every possible effort.

It often seems that the result is negative. But for a believing heart, this is not a dead end. If you grieve over your inability to establish goodness, grief, with the proper dispensation of the soul, increases into Christian repentance; repentance gives birth to humility, and humility opens up the opportunity for the Lord, by His grace, to bring the necessary good into a child’s soul.

Thus, the first thing we must (and can) give to our children is to do everything possible (realize, wish, make an effort of will) in order to bring our soul closer to God. It is impossible to successfully fight in a child the sins that we allow ourselves. This understanding is key in the Christian upbringing of children. Understanding this is the beginning of the path, but it is also the path itself. And there is no need to be embarrassed by the fact that the very process of fighting sin is a companion to a person’s entire life on earth. The direction of our efforts is important to us, but the result is in the hands of God.

It is necessary to realize that raising a child is in its entirety a spiritual activity, and as in every form of this activity, it is necessary to correctly determine the tasks and methods of solving them. Asceticism, the spiritual science of combating passions, offers its own methods, liturgics, the school of prayerful communion with God, offers its own methods, and the science of Christian child upbringing also offers its own methods. Let us point out some, in our opinion, the most essential elements of this work.

Hierarchy of values

We have already said that the main educational factor is nothing other than the inner world of parents. As Sofya Sergeevna Kulomzina accurately formulated this principle, the main thing that is passed on to children is the hierarchy of values ​​in the souls of their parents. Reward and punishment, shouting and the most subtle pedagogical techniques matter immeasurably less than the hierarchy of values.

Let me emphasize right away: we are talking about Christian values, about how parents live in their spiritual world. This is what has the determining effect. Let us decide to assert: in the matter of education, not only and not so much a personal example is important - after all, an example can be created artificially, modeled, but rather the structure of the soul of educators.

We too often exaggerate the importance of external forms. However, what is much more important for education is the intangible impact that even a paralyzed person with a harmonious and spiritual inner world, a person whose soul is open to the Lord, can have on others. Naturally, it is impossible to diminish the importance of personal example in education, but it is effective only when it is the realization and embodiment of the hierarchy of values ​​in the souls of educators. This is the foundation. And the practice of education should be built on it - specific actions, events, ideas.

Thus, the basis of the methodology of Christian education is the task of spiritual improvement. Of course, setting a problem is not the same as solving it. Indeed, in essence, spiritual improvement is the goal of the entire Christian life. Unfortunately, in our weakness we can really meet this task only to the smallest extent. But let’s not forget - “My (God’s) power is made perfect in weakness” (). The main thing for us is awareness of the tasks of labor, effort in completing it, repentance for its insufficiency, humble and grateful acceptance of the results allowed by God. And then, according to the word of the Lord, “what is impossible with men is possible with God” () - the grace of God will fill our weaknesses.

So, the first thing that is needed - the task of awareness - requires that we deeply feel the main postulate of Christian education. It is not persuasion, conversations, punishments, etc. that the child perceives primarily as an experience of life, but precisely the hierarchy of values ​​in the soul of his loved ones. And children, not superficially, not on a behavioral level, but in the depths of their hearts, will accept the religious worldview of their parents only when the commandment prevails in their hearts: “I am the Lord your God... May you not be gods other than Me” ().

It can be stated that the best way to lead a child to God is to grow in closeness to the Lord ourselves. A difficult, but rewarding and beneficial task for parents.

Truly, “acquire a peaceful spirit, and thousands around you will be saved” - these words of St. Seraphim of Sarov should become the motto of every educator.

Parents as God's representatives

Further. One of the main tasks of education is to form firm criteria of good and evil in the child’s soul. Although, according to Tertullian, the soul is by nature Christian, the initial damage to human nature by original sin drowns out the voice of conscience in a soul that is not strengthened by education. It is obvious that a child by himself is not always able to distinguish between good and evil; Moreover, most often he is not able to properly learn the lessons and admonitions that the Lord sends to a person in life’s circumstances.

What an adult can gain and realize directly as the fruit of his relationship with God, parents should show to a child: firstly, to be a clear and obvious source of love, and secondly, to be a clear example of a moral imperative.

An adult person who lives a full religious life himself feels that evil returns a hundredfold with evil, and goodness in this life returns with the fullness of goodness, first of all, with peace in the soul. The parents should let the child feel this. After all, a child’s immediate reaction is simple! I managed to secretly eat a can of condensed milk, despite the prohibitions - it’s nice, which means it’s good. I didn’t manage to steal fifty dollars from my wallet - I didn’t buy myself some chewing gum, it’s unpleasant - that means it’s evil. And here parental intervention is necessary.

It is the parents who should be the conductors of God’s admonition for the child, who should try to convey to the child’s consciousness in simple and obvious everyday manifestations the great principle of monotheism: evil is ultimately always punishable, good is always justified. This task requires constant concentration and sobriety in the educational process; there is serious practical work here - control, encouragement, punishment. And the younger the child, the more clearly and, so to speak, more massively, parents should demonstrate to him both their love and the difference between good and evil.

Of course, consistency is extremely important in this matter. In no case should a good deed be allowed to be ignored because of adult troubles or fatigue, and the punishment be caused by a nervous breakdown. After all, there is nothing worse than a situation when a child’s misdeeds seem to accumulate as irritation in the souls of the parents and then spill out over an insignificant reason; also vice versa, when rewards are not associated with real deeds, but only with the mood of the parents. This implies the need for strict adherence to the principle of justice in education, the impossibility of depending on sympathy or mood. Of course, it is difficult to fully adhere to this principle, but the main thing is to realize its necessity, and repentance will correct mistakes.

Can they hear us?

In the educational process, it is necessary to take into account that a child can only be given what he is capable and ready to accept. This is determined by the individual characteristics of the child, as well as the degree of his openness and trust in the teacher. If what you want to convey to a child is categorically rejected by him, then trying to impose it by force is completely useless.

In such cases, you need to be able to admit defeat and pray for general admonition and softening of hearts. At the same time, this state should not be confused with spinelessness and compliance: on the contrary, here you need a lot of will and intelligence, genuine Christian prudence, in order to intelligently determine the nature of the relationship with the child and be able to restrain your authority and emotions when they are useless for the matter of education.

It would seem obvious - and everyone is convinced of this - excessive persistence, especially aggressiveness, is completely useless, especially in relationships with older children. However, we constantly have to deal with the fact that, by annoyingly breaking into the barely open door of children's trust, parents only achieve that it slams tightly. But some measure of trust is always present, and there is always an opportunity to increase it.

One should not despair in the work of upbringing in any situation - even in the most divided family there is a minimum measure of what a child agrees to accept from his parents, even at the most everyday level - only this measure needs to be sensitively and prayerfully determined. Even the slightest opportunity for educational influence should be used patiently and steadily. Under no circumstances should we rush from the defeatist “let it go as it goes” to noisy scandals. Only by justifying the child’s trust can we achieve greater openness.

We will work on this - with patience, love and hope. Let us do the little that is possible under our conditions, without being tempted by the fact that we do not achieve the desired ideal. As they say: “The best is the main enemy of the good.” Maximalism in education is inappropriate: we do what we can, making up for weaknesses and mistakes with repentance, and the result is in the hands of God. We firmly believe that the Lord, at a time pleasing to Him, will make up for with His grace what we could not accomplish with human strength.

Child's age

Let's say a few words about the child's age. This is not a biological concept. In fact, it is a complex of spiritual, mental and physiological categories. But the defining factor in this complex is a sense of responsibility. We can say that age is determined by the burden of responsibility that a person assumes.

Let us remember a historical fact: two hundred years ago, 16-17-year-old young people held considerable ranks in the active army, taking responsibility for the lives of hundreds and thousands of people. And who among us does not know completely grown-up, thirty- and fifty-year-old men who are not even responsible for themselves. So, sometimes we have to remind parents: if a son or daughter is already responsible for themselves to a certain extent before the Lord and people, then they can already choose what measure of parental care to accept and what responsibility to bear themselves.

This was mentioned above, but it is so important that we remind you again: helping a child develop an independent personality is the God-ordained duty of educators. Success in this is success in education, and the mistake of educators is to try to prolong their dominant influence into infinity.

But how can we determine the measure of maturity when we can say that our child has become an adult? Probably when not only the ability to act independently appears, but, most importantly, the ability to sober self-esteem. And then, if the child’s growth is proceeding normally, then parents should remember the words of John the Baptist: “He must increase, but I must decrease” () - and step aside, stop being “God’s educational instrument.”

Of course, at any age, parents should always remain an example of life in God - after all, on this path there is no limit to growing up, and parents will always overtake their child here. And parents should also become for the child a nurturing and grateful field of application of his love according to the commandment of God, a school of selfless Christian love for one’s neighbor. And this is where the role of elderly parents is constantly increasing.

So, correctly determining the age of the student is one of the keys to success. And age is determined by the amount of responsibility that a person is ready to bear. An adult is one who bears full responsibility for himself and for those whom the Lord has given him. Only by understanding this can one correctly navigate the setting of educational goals.

Church education

Let us now turn to the practical task of upbringing in a Christian family - the churching of a child. Let us say again, more than enough has been written about this; We will dwell on some, as it seems to us, not sufficiently illuminated issues.

The natural and generally accepted way of religious education in the family is, first of all, visiting church, participating in divine services and the Sacraments, creating a Christian atmosphere in family relationships and a church-centered way of life. Necessary elements of the latter are joint prayer, reading, and family events. All this is quite obvious.

However, we consider it necessary to pay special attention to one of the essential aspects of the life of a church-going family. It is widely believed that the very fact of a child being born and raised in a religious environment automatically ensures his or her church membership. At the same time, many well-known cases in which not only non-church children, but even atheists, grew up in a religious family are perceived as an accident.

At the everyday level, it is often, if not announced, then implied, a condemnatory opinion that, supposedly, this is the spirituality in this family. We will leave out of consideration the theoretical explanation of such phenomena, realizing that they contain an inexplicable mystery, the mystery of freedom - God's providence and His permission. Let us dwell only on a few practical considerations and recommendations.

First of all, in our opinion, the main objective educational factor in a church-going family is the child’s participation in the Sacraments; practically it is regular Communion. In our experience, the baby should be baptized as early as possible (preferably on the eighth day after birth), and then given communion as often as possible. Under favorable conditions, you can give communion to a child from the moment of Baptism until the age of five or seven - until the age of conscious confession - every Sunday and holiday in the Church.

For this, it is worth sacrificing not only your everyday interests, but even your religious duties - for example, the desire to defend your entire long service. Having brought a baby to Communion, it is not a sin to be late for the service and leave early due to weakness - just not to deprive the baby of the opportunity to fully receive the Gifts of the Lord. And this gracious action will be the unshakable foundation on which the spiritual life of your child will be built.

Further. It is necessary to take into account that in children the formation of a religious worldview occurs in a completely different way than it was in our lives - the lives of those who have now become parents and educators. At the present time in our country, the majority of members of the Church of the older generation came to faith while living in an atheistic environment.

We have earned our faith and consciously accepted it as a fundamental principle of life. Moreover, in a certain sense, this applies to everyone in the Church - both those who came to the faith in adulthood and those raised in the faith from the beginning. After all, those few who were brought up in a church environment from childhood, at the age of formation of self-awareness, rethought their worldview and, remaining in the bosom of the Church, remained consciously. But this is a matter of spiritual coming of age.

We are now talking about children, about their perception of church life. So, children, growing up in an atmosphere of churchliness from a young age, perceive it as a natural element of the life around them - significant, but, nevertheless, external, not yet rooted in the soul. And just as every sprout needs a careful relationship when taking root, so the sense of churchliness in a child should be carefully and reverently cultivated. Of course, the most important thing on this path is spiritual life: prayer, worship, inspiring examples of the lives of saints, and, most of all, omnipotent grace Sacraments

However, let us not forget that the evil one also fights the souls of children, just like adult Christians, but children do not have the proper experience of confronting this fight. Here it is necessary to tactfully provide the child with all possible help, be patient, judicious, and, most importantly, always put love and prayer at the forefront. We are convinced that no rules and norms of church life should dominate a child in letter. Fasting, reading prayer rules, attending services, etc. in no case should it become a burdensome and unpleasant duty - here one must truly have the simplicity of a dove, but also the wisdom of a serpent (See:).

You cannot mechanically isolate a child from all the joys and pleasures of social life: music, reading, cinema, social celebrations, etc. A middle ground must be sought in everything and reasonable compromises must be observed. So, the TV can be used to watch videos, outside of the on-air chaos. This makes it possible to control the flow of video information, and at the same time avoids the appearance of forbidden fruit syndrome. Similarly, when using a computer, it is necessary to categorically eliminate games and strictly control the use of the Internet. And so it is in everything.

Thus, we emphasize once again that in the matter of educating a child’s soul in Christ, as in any Christian endeavor, prudence and the life-giving spirit of love, but not the deadening letter of the law, should be at the forefront. Only then can we hope that our work, with God’s help, will have a successful result.

And finally, let's talk about something so obvious that there seems to be no need to talk about it in particular. But it’s impossible not to mention something. About prayer. About children's prayer and parental prayer. At any time and in all forms - prayerful sighing in the heart, deep prayers, church prayer - everything is needed. Prayer is the most powerful (although by God’s providence it is not always immediately obvious) influence on all circumstances of life - spiritual and practical.

Prayer instructs and guides children, prayer cleanses and elevates our souls. Prayer saves - what more? So, the main and comprehensive principle of Christian education: pray! Pray with the child if the family is at least somewhat prosperous, and pray for the child in any case and always. Prayer is undoubtedly the most effective element of education. There is a firm rule of the Christian family: prayer must accompany the child from his birth (moreover, intense prayer must accompany the child from the moment of his conception).

There is no need to think that you should wait until the child stands in the red corner with the text of the prayer in his hands. The soul is able to perceive prayer independently of reason. If the family is harmonious, then the older family members, as a rule, read the family prayer rule together; At the same time, the baby can sleep or play in the cradle, but by his very presence he participates in prayer. There is a wonderful saying that fully applies to babies: “You don’t understand, but the demons understand everything.” The soul, as it were, absorbs the grace of communication with God given by prayer, even if the consciousness, for one reason or another, is not able to fully perceive its content (which is a natural state for an infant).

When the child grows up, he should be attracted to prayer consciously. However, not at any cost: in no case should prayer become an execution. There is a significant difference here from the prayer work of an adult. For this purpose, prayer is first of all a feat. If prayer for an adult turns into pleasure, you should worry about whether this is a sign of spiritual delusion.

But for a child, prayer should be attractive, which means it should be feasible, and not turn into cramming or an unbearable state of immobility. The ways to involve a child in active prayer can be varied. I will refer to my experience.

When the younger children were somehow not taken to the evening service, they were very happy. The family of a rural priest has its own problems, and it’s not often that children have enough time to play outside. But when the older children returned from service, the kids saw from them... sympathy and pity (we admit, orchestrated by their parents): “Oh, you poor, poor! Perhaps you behaved so badly that they didn’t let you into church?” As a result, the next day the offer to stay at home and play was rejected: “We want to go to church with everyone!”

When teaching a child to pray, you can use the entire arsenal of pedagogical techniques - different types of rewards and punishments. However, in any case, as already said, the best way to instill the skill of prayer is joint prayer of the family (but for the child - strictly taking into account his strengths!).

I realize that many parents may find themselves in that sad situation when no effort brings any visible result - a growing or already adult child flatly refuses prayer (at least in the traditional Orthodox form of the morning and evening rule); Perhaps, having reached a certain age, he categorically does not want to attend church or participate in divine services. But let’s not despair - there is always a place for parental prayer, even in the most extreme and severe cases of educational failures; Moreover, it is in this situation that we are expected to pray most intensely.

An excellent example is the life of Monica, mother of St. Augustine. Let me remind you that Monica, being a righteous woman, nevertheless, was unable to raise her son as a Christian according to God’s providence. The young man grew up absolutely terrible: uncleanliness of actions, sexual promiscuity, and moreover, he left a Christian family for the evil sect of the Manichaeans, in which he achieved a high hierarchical position.

Tragedy. But what’s absolutely amazing is that Monica followed her son everywhere. She mourned, cried, but did not curse him, did not renounce him - and never abandoned him with her love and prayer. And so, in that historically famous event - the conversion on the seashore of the future great saint of the Church Augustine - we see the manifestation of the incomprehensible providence of God, but we also see the fruits of the prayerful self-crucifixion of his mother, the fruits of the feat of her indestructible love.

The prayer of a mother, the prayer of parents, the prayer of loved ones, the prayer of loving hearts is always heard, and - I am convinced - there is no prayer unfulfilled. But the time and manner of execution are in the hands of God. Tirelessness in prayer no matter what, no matter who our child becomes, seems to me to be a guarantee that not everything is lost until the very end - until the Last Judgment.

And parents should also remember: they should never wait for the prayer to be fulfilled mechanically. If we pray today for a child to leave a bad company, we expect that this will happen in a week or no later than in a month. If you haven’t left, prayer is useless. But we do not know when and what answer of the Lord to our prayer will bring the greatest benefit to the child - we should not rush the Lord, we should not impose our will, our understanding of the good on Him.

I always try to explain: by and large, we ask God for only one thing - salvation, the salvation of our soul, the soul of a child, the salvation of our loved ones. And this request is sure to be heard. Everything else is just a path to salvation, and other life circumstances matter only in this context.

So you pray that your wish will come true now, and that your son will leave the bad company. And that’s right, it’s necessary. Moreover, all reasonable actions must be taken to change this sad situation. We are obliged to make every effort to establish the good that our Christian conscience requires of us. But we humbly admit: the result is in the hands of God.

Do we understand the ways of the Lord? Do we know His good providence? Do we know the future of our child? But he has a life full of events ahead of him. Who knows - maybe, in order to rebel, he should go through the crucible of life's sufferings and falls? And if we believe that the Lord looks upon parental love and prayer, then how can we not believe that in response to our prayer He will send His good help then and in the manner that is necessary for the salvation of our child? This trust, placing everything on the Lord, is the cornerstone of Christian life in all its aspects, including as the most important principle of Christian education.

Secular education

Despite all the desire to protect a child from the pernicious influence of the secularized world, it is practically impossible without extremism dangerous to the child’s psyche. We have to accept the rules of life that are allowed to us by the Lord. The inevitable consequence of this is the widest contact of the child with the outside world, and especially in the field of education. But is it really that bad?

If in a normal situation it is impossible to protect a child from a non- (and often anti-) religious environment, then shouldn’t we try to use its positive aspects for the benefit? In this sense, secular culture can become a very real springboard to the mastery of religious truths - lack of culture often leads, ultimately, to spiritual indifference (somehow, in our time, holy simpletons have become rare).

Thus, we are convinced of the need for the most comprehensive secular education, naturally, in the context of Christian history and culture. Trying to limit a child’s education to purely church topics will not elevate him spiritually, but, in our opinion, will most likely impoverish him - after all, in this case, the spiritual structure of the educators, the level of which cannot be programmed, becomes decisive.

But let us not forget that all phenomena of the human spirit - musical and artistic culture, high examples of prose and poetry, achievements of historical and philosophical thought - fundamentally bear the indestructible image of God. Everything beautiful on earth contains grains of Divine Beauty and Wisdom.

This wealth is that milk food that allows a person to get closer to the Supreme Treasure, and, ultimately, allows him to gain the true depth of a religious worldview - and not its scolding, everyday or folklore form. The child’s educators must reveal this perspective to the child.

And further. In the matter of raising children, the significance of a full-fledged secular education is that, existing in the depths of the secular world, it, like an inoculation, develops immunity from its temptations, both base and refined. However, we repeat once again that introduction to secular culture should be done judiciously, with the identification of its Christian component. This is the work of parents and educators.

Single-parent family

In conclusion, let’s say a few words about the sad situation in which, unfortunately, many, if not most, children find themselves in in our time: single-parent families. Incomplete both in the physical and spiritual sense: when there is not even minimal agreement between parents in matters of raising a child. Naturally, we are now talking about religious education, because our conversation is devoted to this topic. This situation is, of course, extremely difficult.

The natural desire of fallen human nature to minimize spiritual efforts and increase carnal pleasures makes competition between religious and non-religious education in such a family almost impossible. But we shouldn’t despair here either. Again, let us constantly remind ourselves that all the realities of this world are allowed to us by the Lord as a field of spiritual labor, as an opportunity to realize our Christian beliefs; sorrows are given for the admonition and atonement of our sins. Let us do what we can do under the current conditions and trust in the mercy of God. The main thing is to do our work in humility and love, patiently and judiciously.

First of all, you should try to find a compromise in matters of upbringing with other older family members - parents among themselves, with grandparents and other relatives. It is better to agree on minimal mutually acceptable standards of education than to fight over them in front of the child.

I witnessed how, back in Soviet times, a wonderful confessor blessed us and our friend with completely different ways of raising children. He blessed us, who live in conditions of family harmony, with the completeness of practical churching: to receive communion with the whole family twice a month, for children as often as possible, to organize an Orthodox environment in everyday life. He advised our friend, who lived with parents who were extremely hostile to religion, to keep her faith secretly in her heart, without irritating others, and to give her child communion at least once a year - so as not to cause scandals.

She humbly accepted these instructions, and the fruits of her upbringing turned out to be quite successful. So, it is better to give a child a minimum of religious upbringing and education in peace and harmony than to try to win his soul with hostility and scandals. Only when reaching such a compromise with loved ones, you yourself need to be on top - gathering your will into a fist, not trying to invade where there is no family harmony, no matter how important it may seem - for example, in the problem of television, music, friends, etc. .

And this is not defeatism! Let's not forget - only we have that instrument of influence on the soul of a child that is absolutely effective and absolutely not subject to any restrictions from the outside. This is prayer, this is selfless love for the Lord, this is the peaceful spirit of the Christian soul. Let us again remember the wonderful example of the mother of Blessed Augustine - and let us be consoled by this in the most sorrowful and, as it sometimes seems, hopeless circumstances.

Finally, let us once again note the significance of participation in the Sacraments. Still, there are extremely rare cases when a family encounters obstacles to the baptism of a child or even his very rare communion. But let us again comfortingly remember - “My (God’s) power is made perfect in weakness” (). Then, when we see that we can no longer do anything with human strength, we will entrust ourselves to the Lord, and, helping to introduce the child to the Great and Life-giving Mysteries of Christ, we will put his soul into the hands of our Heavenly Father. And with love, hope and faith in our hearts we will say: “Glory to God for everything!”

Children's Liturgy

My more than ten years of abbotship in a rural church, located in an extremely sparsely populated parish (about four hundred inhabitants), gave me a very disappointing experience of organizing a Sunday school in such a parish. This refers to Sunday school, relatively speaking, of the “classical type.” And I think this experience is not accidental.

In the mid-90s, our parish had a multidisciplinary Sunday school. A spacious room in an empty village club was suitably equipped. In addition to the Law of God, which, naturally, was taught by the priest, lessons in fine arts and music were regularly held; at one time even sports activities. At least once a month, children's trips to the city were organized: excursions to museums, visits to city churches, theaters and concerts, the zoo, etc. Prizes were awarded during the classes; Children were encouraged for diligence in their studies.

All events were paid for from the parish funds. In winter, classes were held on Saturdays, sometimes on Sundays after services; during the summer holidays - also on weekdays. As a rule, children participated in Sunday and holiday services: boys sang, girls sang in the choir.

Class attendance ranges from 10 to 30 (in the summer at the expense of summer residents’ children). Children from church families (in our case, this is the family of a priest and one family of church-going parishioners) attended classes with pleasure and certainly deepened their knowledge of Sacred History - however, this was not why the school was created. From non-church families, none of the children ever truly became church members.

Thus, the effect is zero. And, I must say, predictable. In non-church families, children were not only not encouraged to attend classes, but were also opposed in every possible way: “Why do you have to go and lick my butt? Look, there’s a lot of work at home.” And then there’s the river and the grove, football and disco, TV, get-togethers; In winter, dirt and cold, a considerable burden at school. The ridicule of (and more) hooligan peers also played a negative role.

It was possible to lure children from non-church families into classes only through emergency measures. For some time now, as a teacher of law, I began to feel like a character in a fantasy story I read in childhood. The heroine of the story, a school teacher, finds herself in an extremely democratized computer school, in which the teacher's status and salary depended on the students' interest in classes. Teachers told jokes and demonstrated magic tricks in class. At each lesson I had to come up with something new in order to attract the attention of the “students”.

My situation was similar. I couldn’t oblige anyone to anything. All extreme efforts were accepted condescendingly and approvingly; Children went to classes either when they had nothing to do, or when they were counting on receiving a reward. However, everyone knew well where Christ was born, who Saint Nicholas was and how to light candles in church. Before we got too bored, we confessed coolly and took communion. No miracle happened. None of them joined the church.

However, there is nothing unexpected in this situation. In a village with a population of less than 400 people, statistically there could not be a single prosperous Sunday school student (according to statistics, real parishioners of the Church in our country are approximately 1.5%; Sunday schools are attended by approximately 0.1% of the total population). He wasn't there. That is, of course, there were church-going children, four people - from the families of the priest and parishioners. According to our statistical calculations - and this is a lot! But given this situation, the existence of the cumbersome structure of Sunday school in its classical form was absolutely meaningless. Children from church families were most churched in the family and in the church; children from non-church families did not really stick to the church. As a result, the classical Sunday school in our village, after three years of experiments, naturally ceased to exist.

It is natural to assume two possible reactions to the above.

First: the priest did not cope with the task, he could not be at the spiritual height that is necessary in order to open the beauty of Orthodoxy to the pure hearts of children. Now he covers up his failure with a fig leaf of statistics. To a certain extent, this is true, and I am aware of it. But - “Are all the Apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Are everyone miracle workers? Does everyone have gifts of healing? Does everyone speak in tongues? Are everyone interpreters?” (). And do the apostles minister to our rural parishes?

The story described is not only my fiasco. Conversations with many rural (and not only) priests confirm our observations. So the situation is quite typical. However, there are exceptions. There are widely known cases when spiritually and pedagogically gifted priests create an active Christian community around them in a rural parish and in its midst a fully functioning Sunday school. But it is impossible to recommend charismatic exceptions as a system.

As a rule, in sparsely populated rural parishes, there are either no effective Sunday schools at all, or they exist only formally. Where traditional Sunday schools operate informally, the student population, with rare exceptions, consists of children who have already been churched to one degree or another in their family. And this is essentially possible only in fairly large populated areas, where there are at least a hundred real parishioners.

The second possible reaction to the described situation: “Why philosophize? You need to work; you need to sow, others will reap.” This point of view certainly has a right to exist. Indeed, introducing children to Sacred History, the life of the Church, and instilling in them the idea of ​​the naturalness of a religious worldview is a good and completely necessary thing.

Only it seems to us that the classic parish Sunday school is not the optimal structure for this purpose either. It would be much more productive to establish good relations with the local secondary school (which is quite realistic in the current conditions) and conduct relevant conversations there optionally. This is a very effective way to disseminate religious information. We are talking about methods of more intensive influence on children, about solving the problem of their churching.

About six months ago, having reflected on the negative results of working with rural children, I tried to go further in a completely different way: to create a liturgical Sunday school. I understand perfectly well that this path in itself is not a discovery. And Sunday schools of this type have existed for a long time (though, mainly in large urban parishes), and the experience of serving “children’s Liturgies” has also been successfully tested much earlier. I just want to draw attention to the exceptional success of this undertaking in a sparsely populated rural parish, where there are practically no fully churched families raising children in their bosom - potential visitors to Sunday schools.

What was done? A very simple action - we began to serve the Liturgy especially for children. Services are held on Saturdays, starting not early - at 9 o'clock; the duration of the service is no more than one and a half hours; everything that unnecessarily prolongs the service is omitted (commemorations at the litany, funeral litany, etc.). No sermon is preached during the Liturgy; instead, a short conversation with the children after the holiday: sitting, over tea with buns, in free form. Almost only children participate in the service: they serve as sextons (under the leadership of one senior sexton) and sing. There is no choir as such, all children are given a printed text of the service, and everyone sings under the direction of the older girl (in our case, the priest’s daughter).

The priest reads the prayers aloud, loudly and clearly, so that they are understandable to those present. Before the service, after a short conversation, a general confession is held (individual - in a special order at the right time), and at each service all children receive communion. Naturally, on major church holidays, children are present at general holiday services. As secondary events, we began to celebrate the birthdays of young parishioners and organize excursions.

The effect of these services was beyond all expectations. Not only did no one have to be driven or invited to the service, but moreover, if for some reason the Liturgy was not served on any Saturday, the children persistently asked: “When will our service finally be?” And the children from the village went, including children who had never been to church before. And even parents, having heard something, began to bring their children, and often began to stay at the services themselves. Up to 20 children participated in the last children's Liturgies - those who know the religious situation in our devastated, lumpen villages understand what 20 small parishioners mean in a village with a population of 400 people.

Of course, our experience is not absolute. Each specific case may have its own nuances; in some situations it may be completely inapplicable. However, it exists, it is real, and we will be glad if it brings practical benefit to someone and helps organize the living churching of children in the parish and in the family.

Adopted children

On the one hand, taking in an orphan is a truly Christian feat, we believe, soul-saving: “Pure and immaculate piety before God and the Father is to look after orphans and widows in their sorrows...” (.)

On the other hand, the feat in Christ must necessarily be feasible, for the feat not according to reason leads first to pride, and then to the most difficult falls and renunciations.

How to find the right solution in such situations? Naturally, this question is more than complicated. In terms of its significance, making a decision to care for orphans in one’s family is comparable to few fundamental decisions in a person’s life, such as marriage, monasticism, or the priesthood. There is no way back, and if there is, then this road is nothing more than a spiritual, moral and everyday catastrophe.

The only way to avoid this is to do everything possible to reconcile your good wishes with the will of God. In this regard, let us recall a general recommendation - after all, in fact, a conscious Christian choice is required of us in all life circumstances - read the book of St. John of Tobolsk (Maximovich) “Iliotropion, or the conformity of the human will with the Divine will.”

What can help us make a decision? Let's start with the obvious. Naturally, orphans should not be taken into care by families that do not have experience raising their own children; Single-parent families are also disadvantaged in this sense. You should be very careful in the case when a family has somehow lost a child and wants (consciously or not) to “replace” the loss with a new child - but each child is unique, and constant comparison (always not in favor of the adopted child) can lead to disaster.

Further. One must carefully monitor the circumstances of life: among other things, a favorable sign is cases of orphans coming to the family for help. And we repeat once again - this feat (like any one about the Lord) should in no case be “self-invented.” And therefore blessing, intense prayer, and slowness in making decisions are vitally important. The Lord will make you wise.

There are two ways to adopt an orphan: adoption (in this case, the child may or may not know about his origins), and official registration of guardianship for the child (in its development, the creation of a foster family or a family-type orphanage). Each of these paths has its own merits, but if a decision is made and blessings are made, one should focus not on abstract wishes or ideas, but on specific conditions and circumstances.

As has already been said, the optimal situation is in which the adoption of children into a family (and even more so the organization of a family orphanage) begins with the independent arrival of orphans. This is a confirmation of God's providence, as well as the liberation of adoptive parents from the burden of choice. The necessity of choice itself is an almost catastrophic situation. The autocratic selection of a few children from many candidates is a terrible and almost immoral act.

In our case, the Lord arranged it so that all the children who came to us were brought by God’s providence and, thank God, we never faced the need to choose one from several children. At the same time, God's providence manifested itself in the most diverse forms: a seemingly chance meeting, requests from acquaintances, recommendations from representatives of guardianship authorities, etc. However, in no way should any meeting with an orphan or request for adoption into a family be considered as automatically a manifestation of the will of God.

The most important condition for expanding a family is its readiness for this, both practical and mental. Moreover, it seems to us that the primary state should be the maturation of the corresponding decision in the family, and then - a prayerful appeal to the Lord with a request for the manifestation of His good will. And, of course, as in any matter about the Lord, you should not be hasty in anything.

At the same time, all of the above in no way eliminates the need for parent-educators to take a judicious approach to the issue of children entering the family. Our experience (the experience of a family-type orphanage) suggests that it is most favorable to take small children, aged no more than 5 years, if possible, in pairs of the same sex and close in age. As a rule, children with severe chronic illnesses, incl. mental - their treatment requires specialized institutions.

And we repeat again - prayer should be the basis of all decisions made by the family. The driving force is love; not feverish enthusiasm, but a hard-won and conscious desire to serve the Lord and loved ones!

What are the specifics of raising adopted children (what follows applies to those children who arrived in the family at a conscious age and remember their past)? One of the most common misconceptions about orphans is the idea that they suffer extremely from their orphan, often vagabond life. Based on this assumption, adults expect a certain attitude from their students towards their new position and expect gratitude.

But, even without saying that such an attitude is alien to the Christian spirit, these expectations cannot be justified. Children older than six to eight years old, as a rule, recognize their past as a kind of free society, in which, although at times it was bad (and bad things are quickly forgotten!), there was freedom, there were numerous adventures, “cool” entertainment and peculiar pleasures. Theft, begging, and vagrancy are not perceived by them in the perspective of the past as something humiliating and unpleasant.

The same thing, in a slightly different form, applies to children of “boarding school” education. Taking this into account, educators should not count on the special “zeal” of children in arranging a new life; In no case should you, for pedagogical reasons, frighten them with the possibility of sending them back to a boarding school (you can run into a calm: “Well, good, I’m better there”). Moreover, you need to be able to win the trust and, ultimately, the love of children, their agreement to consider you dad and mom - this is despite the fact that they often remember their parents, and this memory often does not have a negative content.

What has been said here naturally applies to teenage children. However, with kids the situation is quite similar. Usually they quickly distance themselves from their past life and forget it with their minds. Adoptive parents very quickly become mom and dad for them. However, one cannot count on the pedagogical effect of the approach: “You must appreciate the fact that God sent you a new family.” They perceive the new family as a matter of course (and this feeling only needs to be strengthened!). And they are who they are - as they were shaped by the genes of their parents, the conditions of their previous life, but also - let’s not forget this! - God's providence.

An important issue is the relationship with the child’s relatives. This issue must be resolved individually in each specific case. Our understanding of the situation is this: a child should have one family, he has a father and mother, there are brothers and sisters, relatives, and he does not need any “additional” relatives. Not to mention the fact that the interest of blood relatives in a child brought up in a prosperous family is often selfish in nature, it can be argued that any contacts with people from a past life lead to a split consciousness of the pupil and prevent his full entry into the new family. Based on this, we resolutely use the legislative right to suppress relationships with others that are not beneficial for the child.

In the spiritual and moral sphere, a specific problem of a foster family is a certain duality of its internal structure. On the one hand, the equal position in the family of “natural-born” and adopted children is unconditional. Parents and educators should strive with all their might to show all children the fullness of love for the Lord, and if certain emotional addictions appear (which is naturally especially characteristic of women), repent of them and resolutely fight them.

On the other hand, it is obvious that educators cannot bear the same responsibility before the Lord for the inner world and destinies of adopted children to the same extent as for those born into their family. “First-born” children are given to us by the Lord, adopted children are sent: this is an essential difference.

There is also a practical difference: the children who come to us bring too much of their own, invested in them beyond the will and responsibility of their adoptive parents. If you do not realize this, then from the inability to shape the souls of your charges in the desired way, you will not long fall into despondency; the consequence may be a falling away from the chosen field. The way out of this apparent contradiction is quite obvious. All children should indeed be treated with equal love. But the fruits of one’s educational activities should be assessed differently. In relation to children of the “own-born” - bear full responsibility before the Lord for their souls. In relation to adopted children, bear full responsibility for their work as educators, but accept the fruits of this work humbly: as God's permission, if they are disadvantaged, and as a gift of God, if they are joyful.

Conclusion. Acquire a peaceful spirit

So, let's summarize all of the above. The attentive reader must have noticed that in our short article we constantly return to the thought: the main thing in raising a child is calmness. This state is the fruit of faith, our trust in the Lord. And this is a necessary condition for Christian influence on the soul of a child. Let us once again recall the famous words of St. Seraphim of Sarov: “Acquire a peaceful spirit, and thousands around you will be saved.” The main thing for a believer is to do his work in the field of Christian upbringing of a child given by the Lord with the hope that everything that happens is in the hands of God and everything that will happen in the future is in His good will.

Acquiring a peaceful dispensation of the soul naturally presupposes, first of all, the harmonization of one’s inner world. The creation of a truly Christian atmosphere in the family begins with each of us - and depends on each of us. And we shouldn’t look at how other family members behave - before God we are only responsible for ourselves: “Who are you, judging someone else’s slave? Before his Lord he stands, or he falls” ().

What can we do to establish peace in the Lord in our souls? Of course, this is not the question of this book; this, in fact, is the theme of all church soul-saving literature - asceticism, hagiography, etc. But it is possible and necessary to pay special attention to those aspects of spiritual life that are significant specifically in the Christian upbringing of a child. To summarize our little work, let us briefly repeat the main thoughts outlined above.

The first is the correct hierarchy of values ​​in the souls of parents (educators). To one degree or another, we all lack this. However, realizing the significance of this particular factor in our work of education and drawing appropriate conclusions is our opportunity and responsibility. We must seriously look at our inner world, soberly realize its state, repent of our weaknesses and malfunctions of the spiritual structure, and finally, make conscious volitional and prayerful efforts to harmonize the inner person - education will begin from this.

Secondly, efforts should be made to properly organize the order of life: starting from the daily routine and hygiene and ending with the churching of everyday life. In the daily routine of a family’s life, as a matter of course, there should be morning and evening prayer rules, prayers before and after meals, the use of holy items in the morning (particles of consecrated prosphora, a sip of holy water), daily reading of the Holy Scriptures and soul-helping literature, appropriate conversations with children, etc.

Third, regular attendance at divine services and maximum possible participation in the Sacraments. It is advisable to instill in your child a sense of the naturalness and necessity of this side of life as early as possible. At the same time, we are somewhat skeptical about the idea of ​​a child attending Sunday school or participating in a children's choir as a panacea in this matter. Often in this way the child is instilled not so much with a taste for church spirituality, but with a kind of familiarity with the secrets of the Church. However, this is by no means a general recommendation - only advice to carefully observe the fruits of such learning in the child.

Fourth, we need not only to teach our students to pray, but first of all, to teach ourselves to pray, to learn to sincerely and attentively stand before the Lord in general prayer and in secret prayer. Learn to be an example of prayer yourself, learn to be the first intercessors for our children before the Heavenly Father. Prayer is a universal and all-powerful means of influencing the soul and destiny of our children, and its effectiveness extends into eternity.

Fifth, you should wisely approach the problem of the child’s relationship with the outside world. In certain issues (especially those related not to the essence of faith, but to traditions), one can make concessions to the child so as not to develop in him complexes of forbidden fruit or inferiority, much less rejection from the imposed strict system of life. Let us repeat again that, in our opinion, it is very important to instill in a child the foundations of genuine culture: knowledge of history, literature, poetics, music and art education, etc. By creating in the child’s soul a vector of movement from the carnal to the spiritual, we thereby orient him towards growth to the spiritual.

Further. In the matter of education, the Christian virtue of prudence is extremely necessary. “Be wise as serpents...” () - to be able to determine the measure of severity and tolerance, the measure of pious orderliness and freedom, the measure of control and trust. You should never try to impose on a child something that he categorically does not want to accept from us (more precisely, given the unconscious motives of behavior, he cannot). In such a situation, you should look for workarounds (an authority that is convincing to the child, other living conditions); Naturally, we must pray intensely, placing on the Lord what we cannot accomplish on our own. And, in any case, without despairing at the apparent failure of our work, let us humbly accept what is happening as God’s permission.

Humility is necessary in every virtue. An unhumble state of spirit becomes a wall between us and the grace of God; Without humility you cannot create a temple for your soul, nor can you bring a child’s soul to God. Humility is necessary in order to recognize the work of an educator not as a burden, or, on the contrary, a source of earthly blessings, but as a field given to us by the Lord, as our task and our feat. Only with such a dispensation is it possible to have a sober reasoning in relation to any situation related to issues of education.

And finally. Let us repeat after the apostle: “And now these three remain: faith, hope, love; but love is the greatest of them" (). However, we admit: unfortunately, we do not always have enough genuine Christian sacrificial love in our relationship with a child. Parental love is, of course, one of the strongest feelings. But is she always free from selfishness and self-will? The sad fruits of “love for yourself” are obvious. The child grows up either depressed or violently protesting against “family totalitarianism.”

What to do in such a situation? After all, a person loves as best he can; as they say, you can’t order your heart. But no, you can order it. This is exactly what the experience of the holy fathers teaches us: to cleanse the heart from base states and lift its grief to the heights of the spirit. There is patristic experience in the matter of acquiring the spirit of love. Do you see passionate or selfish states in yourself? - repent of this. Is it the Christian spirit in love that you lack? - but the holy fathers teach: “Having no love, do deeds of love, and the Lord will send love into your heart.” And, of course, prayer is for our child and for the sending of true Christian love to our hearts. Then the Lord will instill selfless and humble love into our hearts, and only then will we find the perfect joy of parental work and achievement.

This joy will come - no matter how hard it may be at other moments in life. Let us believe in this unshakably and calmly, humbly creating what the Lord gives us to accomplish, and gratefully accepting the results of our labor allowed by Him. Even if you sow, and others will gather (See:) - your work is not useless. And the harvest is in the hands of the Lord, and the times, ways and dates are known only to Him. Perhaps we will see the fruits of our sowing only in eternity, but the fact that they will not be in vain is our faith, our hope, our love.

Let us selflessly, but at the same time calmly, patiently and humbly carry out our work, the work of co-creation with the Creator in the creation of the Christian soul, the work given to us by the Lord for the sake of our salvation. In this work we will find a “spirit of peace,” the spirit of life in Christ on earth and in eternity.

Priest Mikhail Shpolyansky (M., “Father's House”, 2004.)

To accept this help, to realize the given grace for good - this is already in the will of the one to whom it is sent. And here again there is a place for our love and prayer.

As an example of the attitude towards even “extreme” (for an Orthodox) phenomena of a culture that is non-Christian in spirit, we present an excerpt from an interview with the famous missionary Deacon Andrei Kuraev published in the “Bulletin of the Press Service of the UOC (MP)”: “The problem is not whether a fairy tale is good or bad , but in what cultural subtext it falls into. If Harry Potter had been written a hundred years ago, it would not have done any harm. At that time, Christian culture predominated, and a magic wand was the backdrop of any fairy tale. Then there was a Christian culture, a Christian state. Today this is not the case: children do not know about Christ, the Christian tradition is unknown even to adults. Here’s a living example: I go to the Publishing Department of the Moscow Patriarchate, I meet a priest I know, who says that his daughter not only became interested in reading “Potter”, but, having seen the advertisement, declared that she wanted to enroll in a school of magic.” Thus, occultists are trying to use the fashion for Harry Potter in order to involve a child in real occult practice, luring him out of the space of a fairy tale - a completely legitimate literary genre. And there is only one way out - to read this fairy tale with the children, so that a Christian teacher or parent can place emphasis in time. It is necessary that the child is not afraid to discuss what he has read with his parents. After all, even if you try to strictly isolate yourself from this phenomenon, most children, even in Orthodox families, will still read and watch it. But then the child will not come to his father and consult. And if we walk together, we will have the right to amendment.”

In such exceptional cases, you should seek the advice of a spiritually experienced mentor: your confessor or parish priest.

However, all this did not happen immediately. In our case, this was made easier by the priest’s many years of work with children and the large family of the priest himself. However, the effect of “children’s Liturgies,” in our opinion, should inevitably be felt - you just need to have patience.

For many years, our family has been raising, in addition to three “original” children, orphans who have found their new family in our house. Since 1999, we have received official status - a family-type orphanage.

See also Appendix II. “On the question of knowing the will of God” in the book: Priest Mikhail Shpolyansky. Before the doors of Your temple. M., “Father's House”, 2003.

In a “foster” family, orphans are raised with full state support, but such an organization is not limited by the formal (in terms of the number of children, etc.) and legal framework of a family-type orphanage.

In a family with several small children, it is difficult to give anyone much individual attention.

You can take such a step only with a special blessing, appropriate conditions and firm determination.

Chapter 5

You need to talk to a teenager differently. – “Difficult age” for boys. – They don’t understand themselves. – Who is better to talk to a teenager? - Start of conversation. The age of marriage, its signs. – The struggle of the flesh and demonic attacks. – It is necessary to subordinate the flesh to the highest principle of personality. – The body of a Christian is a temple. – The need to maintain chastity. - End of conversation. "We understand you." – Consequences of external, unspiritual assessment of a teenager’s behavior. – Depraved “enlighteners.” How does a teenager fall into sin? – Parental responsibility.

...Several years pass and a new need arises to talk with a growing child.

It is well known that from the age of 12–14 a boy begins to change noticeably, both externally and internally. Sometimes adults simply don’t recognize him: where is the open, kind, cheerful child? Where did this gloomy, ugly, lanky boy come from, hiding his eyes, muttering something under his breath in an unpleasant voice?.. Yes, boys change.

Those of them who were previously obedient and diligent in their studies, from this time until the age of 17–18, become disobedient and it becomes much more difficult to teach them. The teachers who have to deal with them during this transitional period will form a completely different opinion about them, different from the opinion of those who knew the boys before.

Adolescence... Difficult both for those around you and for the teenager himself. The saddest thing is that where a teenager does not understand himself, the people who are closest to him usually do not understand him either. In the years called the years of maturation, the boy develops and becomes a youth. This time is quite rightly called a “period of violent impulses,” pointing to a real revolution in the nature of the child, which often manifests itself in the most unexpected form. And one day a shocked Christian mother finds her son, whom he still considers small, looking at some Playboy...

If the boy, at the onset of the transition period, had received an explanation from his parents or educators about what exactly was happening to him, given in the form of tactful and friendly instructions, he would have experienced it more calmly and safely for himself and others.

Who can give a teenager such advice? A deep, not fully conscious feeling of shame will not allow the mother to discuss certain issues with her growing son. And she will most likely meet resistance on his part: he is also ashamed to talk “about this” with his mother. It seems that this time the mother should entrust this responsible and difficult task to the father (if the son maintains a trusting relationship with him) or another man he knows who enjoys the boy’s respect, or, best of all, an experienced priest.

You can imagine the conversation something like this. If changes appear in the boy’s appearance and behavior, the father, or godfather, or relative, at an opportunity, and always in private, could tell him something like the following in the form of instructions:

– You are going through a difficult period now, and I want to talk to you, because I myself experienced the same thing at one time. I remember well that I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me at the time.

You are entering a very important period of life - the period of transition from childhood to adolescence. You yourself, of course, already feel and notice some changes in your physical condition. You begin to experience completely new, previously unfamiliar feelings. You are overcome by desires unknown to you before; It’s unknown where strange thoughts come into your head. Sometimes they are associated with something bad, unclean. You have dreams that you could never tell your parents about...

All this means that you are now at the beginning of marriage, when your flesh is trying with all its might to overpower and subjugate the higher principle of your personality.

In addition, the demons began to attack you more strongly: after all, you yourself notice that you began to confess less often, have more fun, watch TV, even listen to rude, soulless rock music with your friends... And the demons, the enemies of our salvation, will not leave you in peace, will tease and torment your imagination. What do they want from you? They want to make you carnal, so that you don’t even think about the soul, but only seek to satisfy the various desires of your body. They want to turn you into an animal... Don't let them. You know that man is not part of the animal world. He is God's highest creation, the crown of creation, as they call him. He has his own special mission on earth.

You must know that not only your afterlife, but also the happiness of your future earthly life largely depends on what you choose now: whether you follow the desires of the flesh or subordinate them to the highest principle of your personality - the spirit. Some of your peers have chosen the first path: they think only about entertainment, are carried away by dirty, depraved films, pictures... But by doing so, they are unnoticeably corrupting their soul and body.

Do you know what the body of a Christian is? This! not a collection of meat-covered bones or a complex machine. It also differs from the body of a dog and a monkey... The body of every person is the dwelling of his eternal, immortal soul. The body of a Christian is also the temple of the Holy Spirit, that is, the dwelling place of God Himself. And to defile it with an unclean action, word or thought is to defile the house of God.

You are just entering the period of maturity; but in a few years you will become a mature husband. Whatever path you chose then: monasticism or an honest Christian marriage, now you must keep your body and soul pure. Do not think ahead of time about marriage: the time of marriage will not come soon for you, and your childbearing power is only maturing.

Can you imagine what will happen if you try to force open the bud in order to see the rose faster? As a result of such barbarity, we will not see either a rose or a bud. So in your soul lies hidden, like a beautiful unblown bud, the ability of marital love, conjugal love. But do not try to open it before the flowering time, take care of it for the only girl whom you will lead to the crown and who, in a legal, God-blessed marriage, will become the mother of your future children.

Don’t think, we understand that your gloom, stubbornness, and irritability do not come from a lack of love for us - this is a consequence of the internal struggle that you are now waging. We believe in you and pray for you.

As a last resort, a mother can talk to her son in this way. It is only desirable that the tone of the conversation be less didactic and more sincere love.

Unfortunately, it’s rare that a teenager these days hears something like this. Not understanding the true meaning of his condition and not being able to give it a correct, spiritual assessment, he becomes lost and succumbs to temptation.

The adults around him more often evaluate what is happening to him somewhat frivolously, outwardly: they laugh at his rough voice, tease him when the first fluff appears above his lip; constantly scolded for clumsiness and clumsiness; noticing his gloom and thoughtfulness, they laugh: “What are you daydreaming about? Are you thinking about girls?..” The carnal principle, indeed, prompts him to try to be attractive in the eyes of girls; lanky and clumsy at this age, like an “ugly duckling”, he often actually looks comical... But, meeting instead of friendly understanding, delicate and soulful conversation with indifferent and often unkind ridicule, the teenager “rebels”: he becomes defiantly rude, impudent , harsh, withdraws into himself, trying to somehow protect his inner world... Sometimes this ends in a complete internal break with his parents.

Often at this age, a boy finds “enlighteners” among his depraved peers: from them and through them he receives such an “explanation” of what is happening to him that, as a result, he falls into the most serious mental and then actual sins. He subsequently has to pay for them with physical and moral suffering.

And if, out of ignorance or lack of understanding of himself, succumbing to the temptations of this world, he falls (commits a sin) - he will face severe condemnation and often even his parents’ cooling towards him, the loss of parental love... But was it impossible to warn him in advance?

It would never occur to parents to give their child a sharp knife without warning them of the imminent danger when handling it. It would not occur to them to blame the child and turn away from him indignantly when, unaware of the danger, he cuts himself to the point of bleeding. And after all, parents know that bodily, carnal forces are awakening in their boy, which can turn out to be more dangerous and fatal for him than the sharpest knife. But still they leave the child without any explanations, without any instructions. Is this what true parental love should be like?..

Chapter 6

Difficulty talking with a teenager. – Lack of relevant literature. – Rely on Tradition and the Charter of the Church. – Parental efforts will bear fruit in due time. - Teenage girl. – Conversation in connection with periods of “bodily uncleanness.” – Correct attitude towards your own body. – A look at your future motherhood. – Protect your daughter from developing sensuality. – The harm of being infatuated with romance novels. – To engage in the sphere of other interests (scientific, educational, economic and spiritual). – Caring for the physical health of a teenager. - The importance of fasting.

It’s not easy these days to find an approach to a teenager’s heart. This is often more difficult for parents to do than for strangers. Sometimes a teenager simply refuses to accept his mother’s words, greeting them with gloomy silence and rudeness. He doesn’t want to listen, turns away, withdraws into himself, and gets off with jokes. But you still need to talk to him.

If we were writing these lines a hundred years ago, we could recommend that parents give their son relevant literature to read. Then parents could acquaint the teenager with the functions of his body and the rules of basic hygiene from popular medical publications, in the hope that the authors would scientifically explain to the reader the advisability of bodily cleanliness before marriage and proper abstinence even in legal marriage...

Alas, modern publications will not teach him this; on the contrary, they will “scientifically” explain to him that it is abstinence and chastity that are “harmful to health”! Therefore, it remains to orient the teenager and young man only to the experience of the Church, its Tradition, its Charter.

But perhaps parents will feel that obedience to the Church is not a strong enough incentive to influence a modern teenager? Well, even if now, entering a “difficult age,” the son brushes aside his mother’s words, her gentle reminders about fasting, prayer, and confession, we don’t know how these mother’s instructions will respond in his future life. Perhaps, having tasted the “forbidden fruit” and experienced the first burning disappointment, he will grab onto them like a saving anchor. And even as he grows older and experiences a deep fall, he will remember, along with his mother’s “botany lessons,” her spiritual instructions and, like the prodigal son, will fall to the Mother Church...

And finally, our parental duty is to raise a child at any age, to try to positively influence the mind and heart of the one who is entrusted by God to our care. To do everything in our power - and leave the rest to the will of God... If we had conscientiously and selflessly fulfilled this duty of ours, then who knows, perhaps the way of thinking of modern youth would be different.

As for the girl, she, too, in adolescence (which begins a little earlier for her) needs clarification and soul-helping instructions. She, too, like the boy, is going through a transitional period, full of anxiety, uncertainty, and unclear desires. Usually they treat her more carefully, more cautiously than a boy, they spare her vulnerable soul and do not offend her with ridicule. But most often she is not given the necessary explanations. The mother went through the same difficult period without explanations from her parents - why not leave the daughter in the same ignorance?

Thus, a mother often views periods of “bodily uncleanliness” associated with the reproductive function of the body as merely disturbances in the normal course of life, causing a number of inconveniences, and therefore strives, if possible, not to touch upon this issue in a conversation with her growing daughter. Meanwhile, for a girl, the onset of the corresponding period associated with “bodily uncleanliness” is sometimes a deep shock. In addition, talking about this function of the body will give the mother the opportunity to talk with her daughter about the most serious topics related to preparation for the mating season, purity and chastity...

That is why here, first of all, the mother herself must be imbued with an attitude towards the human body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, which must be kept in external and internal purity, and instill the same attitude in her teenage daughter. Timely explanations will not only protect the girl from temptations and possible falls, but will also prepare her to observe the necessary rules of hygiene and take care of her health, and, over time, reward her children with good health.

A girl should look at everything that relates to her future married life calmly and chastely, accepting her destiny as a woman and her ability to bear children as a gift from God. How much more specific physiological explanations are needed here is for the mother to decide.

And finally, one more piece of advice to a Christian mother: during the period of marriage, especially protect girls from excessive development of sensuality. How?

Protect them not only from obscene books and shows, but also from novels. Some mothers think that watching a sensitive love melodrama on TV without “bed scenes” is completely harmless and even useful for their teenage daughter. Unfortunately, it is not.

Reading novels or watching films “about love” develops unhealthy daydreaming, corrupts the imagination and inconspicuously excites feelings associated with the genitals, thereby causing their premature and unhealthy development. In the old days, strict and pious parents tried not to give their growing daughters love stories, no matter how well they were written, and hid the key from the bookcase. "So what? - another mother will say. “They still read novels.” To this we will once again object: we will do what depends on us, and we will surrender the rest to the will of God.

Here is what Bishop Varnava (Belyaev) says about reading novels:

“The founders of modern poetry and fiction... worked a lot to clothe lust in the most beautiful forms, to cover up the real ugliness of this ugly god with a poetic haze and to smother the stench of debauchery with the aroma of sonorous speech and flowing verses. What a subtle poison pours from the pages of novels and stories, all the more dangerous because it is presented in the most elegant form of a fascinating story that pleasantly excites the reader’s imagination!..”

Of course, girls, like boys, should be tried to be protected from the all-pervasive “blue screen”, which has become an evil “educator” of our growing children on sexual matters.

In a sense, boys have it easier: they often “relieve stress” by playing sports. They are not as sensitive to the attitude of others towards them and are not as concerned about their appearance as girls. Their very mental organization is usually somewhat rougher, and sometimes the boy reacts to what can be truly tragic for a girl with a healthy laugh. Girls, as experience shows, experience especially difficult life dramas in adolescence associated with problems of maturation.

How to help a growing daughter, how to strengthen not only her body, but also her soul? Orthodox educators have always advised parents: keep your daughter away from the world of dreams and fantasies - try to better interest her in the natural sciences, teach her useful needlework, give her constant assignments around the house, which require time and responsibility. A teenage girl willingly accepts such a permanent assignment, especially when she feels that it is not given “for educational purposes,” but seriously, that she brings real benefit to the family. This could be cleaning the room every day, or washing the dishes, or preparing dinner. This could be constant care for a younger brother or sister (dressing them, taking them to kindergarten or walking with them, etc.). Such an activity, firstly, will protect the girl from harmful idleness, which is not without reason called “the mother of all vices,” and, secondly, it will be the best preparation for her future married life, for the responsibilities of a wife and mother.

If we talk about reading for a teenager - both girls and boys - then a Christian mother, of course, will put spiritual literature at the forefront, from the lives of saints to popular Orthodox magazines and newspapers (which today necessarily have a “children’s page”). It’s good if you can interest a teenager in popular publications (or even TV shows) on the natural sciences.

As for the body, the best things it needs during adolescence are healthy eating, fresh air, movement and sports. Modern city children, cut off from nature, experience the most acute need of this.

Finally, perhaps the most important thing is to accustom your child from an early age to perform Orthodox fasting as much as possible. This will give him a precious treasure for life - the skill of abstinence. Possessing such a skill, a Christian will be able to consciously resist sin in any situation, being exposed to the bad influences of others and experiencing the harmful impressions of this world.